The Question of the Day:
How can a happy day turn into a morning full of fear?
Let's start with the happiness I felt yesterday (ALL DAY!)...  I had a full day of appointments and work which started earlier than I am normal up and functioning.  I had a physical scheduled since before I was diagnosed (It is hard to remember what that time was like).  I decided to keep the appointment with my General doctor because I selfishly wanted to go do a "Normal" activity and I thought it would be good to talk over all that was going on with someone medically who knew me long before the new me.  Dr. Jason has been such a great support to me!  He called me the minute he received the news of my diagnosis and was just as surprised as I was at the time.  He has offered any help I have needed with a variety of needs as a behind the scenes.  My appointment was at 8:30am and I had the energy to get up early and get ready as well as get breakfast for the kids.  As I drove to this appointment I realized how good I was feeling.  I had a good appointment in which we talked about all areas of life and health.  I left the office feeling validated in how surprised we were by this diagnosis and how it is not my fault for having this cancer but it is a cell that got away from the killer cells in my body and divided beyond my bodies ability to get rid of it.  I have been blessed to have such wonderful doctors on my side!!!
After this appointment I had time before work so I went to the DMV to pay for all the cars and trailers to get stickers.  It is so nice to be able to go there and get this errand done in such a short amount of time!  I left there and was able to go to downtown Libertyville to treat myself to a comforting lunch from my favorite Sandwich and soup place that I have loved to go to since high school!  The same family owns it and I love to go in and see all the familiar faces!
Going to work is always a good  thing for me because it means another day that I have energy enough to do what I love!  As I had prep time during the first part of my day, I was able to get so much done!  I had a fantastic lesson with my 2nd graders!  It was the one day I challenge them to work as a whole class to solve a rather large problem.  I had to help throughout the process which tired me out but the success they had was so exciting I forgot to be tired.  After teaching I had an opportunity to talk with a dear friend at work who is such a spiritual inspiration!  It was a bust to my spirit to talk with her!
After work I headed to the Oncology office to do blood work and meet with Dr. Chung.  My Port, of course, acted up and would not let my blood out!  Nurse Maria seems to get the gift of "unclogging" it each time it is at its worst!  She worked her magic with the lovely "drano" and all went back to working order.  It was the first time that the port did not fluster me to tears but rather I realized they will make it work if it is possible.  I let go of blaming myself and allowed it to be what it was just a clog in the system that seems to happen about every 3 to 4 weeks.  It was worth the wait because my numbers came back GREAT for me!!!!  My White blood cells were in the normal range the week after chemo which has never happened and I was not anemic this time either!!!  :)  My appointment with Dr. Chung went well!  We talked about the progression of this chemo throughout the first few days-- pain, misery, etc.  After a good conversation about the next treatment we had a few moments to just talk.  She is an amazing person and the perfect doctor for me!  She puts me at ease and always finds the best way to make me more comfortable while keeping the eye on the end result we want!  She and the staff check in on the whole family each time and really give us all so much encouragement!  Nurse Tech Lauren has been such a huge part of journey and I really get a feeling of all will be good when I see her coming to get me.  Yesterday was a strange day because when I went back to the treatment room to get my blood work done I got there and it was empty of patients.  Now I realize it was a Friday afternoon but I have NEVER gone in and been the only one!!!  I had all the nurses to myself which is fun because they are all so different but such a dynamic team of women!!!  It was an overall happy appointment for so many reasons!
I went home and had to relax because I really had used up all my energy.  I had fun hearing about all the girls days.  They were getting excited to head off to a school "Gala" at Katelynn's school where they could dance, play, eat, and much more.  Keith took them while I stayed at home to rest.  They all had fun and saw so many friends!
We all went to bed at 9pm.... I slept but then woke up with fear running through me.
I realized that I am still holding on to fear that these cells are throughout my body and we won't be able to get rid of it.  I am also holding on to a memory of my 3rd cousin, Erica, who lost her battle of cancer in her early 30s.  Erica was such a vibrant person who was someone I had looked up to my whole life.  We would go to Easter on the farm with Grandma's whole family.  There would be Great Aunts and Great Uncles and cousins of all ages.  At this HUGE event, it was always fun to see all the kids and hangout with the older cousins.  As we got older Erica was such a fun person to talk with and learn about all she was doing.  She had a little girl a few years before I had Katelynn and we loved to watch Gabby grow since she was the first baby for all of us.  It was such a shock to me when Erica was diagnosed and had such a struggle with the treatments working.  I rushed down one day to see her when she was at her parents house and on Hospice.  In such a short time she had lost her sight and was in so much pain and looked so different.  When talking with her, the Erica I knew was there but she was facing so much!  I remember asking her if there was anything I could do for her and her words are etched in my mind:  "please watch Gabby grow up for me since I won't be able to be with her."  I cried so hard all the way home because I had not faced death of a person just a few years older than me.  She died soon after that visit with her family around her.  Since that day I have prayed Erica is at peace and that I am able to do as she asked.  Throughout my battle I have held Erica in my heart and prayed that I have the strength to fight this cancer!  I want to watch my girls and Gabby grow up into the women they will become for both Erica and myself! 

A quote from a church sign:
"Patience is a virture that carries a great deal of wait."