A day like no other

Well this was an interesting day in my life!  I was half way to work and had a full blown panic attack.  For those that do not know a panic attack feels as if you are going to die:  your heart races and it is hard to catch your breathe and you may even cry uncontrollably.  I was having all of these things happen to me on Peterson Road this morning.  It came on as a surprise to me because I have suffered from panic attacks during post partum of all my pregnancies.  I have been put on medicines and gone through counseling to learn how to alleviate them in the past.  I was not expecting to feel this way again but it was like a BLAST from the past!  I was not willing to allow these attacks to rule my life again so I called the doctors office and got an appointment for the afternoon.  I then called around to try to find my mom to hhelp talk me through it, but she was not available.  So I ended up calling my dad's cell phone not thinking I would get him BUT he picked up.  I know it was a tough call for him since I sounded so hysterical in one sense and my words were rational in another.  It meant so much to have dad help me get through this.  By the time we were getting off, I had my breathing under control and I was feeling more in control of my emotions.  I kept telling dad that I knew this was all happening because the Tamoxifen is changing my hormones and my internal chemistry.  After pulling myself together, I made it through the day at work with very few people knowing about all the happened to me on my way in there.  A smile can cover a great deal!

At the doctors office I was able to talk with my friend Lauren as she took my vitals!  She is such a blessing for me!  She was the one to answer the phone when I called during the panic attack to get the appointment and she transferred me to a wonderful nurse who found me an appointment.  When Dr. Chung came in we began to talk about why I was there.  I explained how this all truly started 9 years ago after Katelynn was born.  We talked about the different drugs and how we could move forward.  We are going to up one of my drugs to see if this can hhelp and I will have a prescription for another drug that can hhelp if another attack comes on as strong as this one did.  I left this appointment feeling better and empowered that I can be in control of this terrible disorder as best as I can!

I pray tomorrow will be a better day!

One more "first"

Today I started taking Tamoxifen for the first time!  This is the pill that I will take once a day for the next five years.  As I have learned from all of those breast cancer survivors before me that this is just one more of the treatments that helps ensure we are rid of this demon BUT it comes with its own fun side-effects... hot flashes, headaches, and other fun things.  I do realize how lucky we are that there is so much known about this cancer that I am able to have all the treatments!  I am just feeling like I will not have a time in life where I will feel "normal" again-- whatever that is! 

It is Monday and I am feeling like I have the most energy I will have for the week.  I am hoping to get more chores done tonight than I will get done the rest of the week.  This house is like a never ending set of piles!  We are changing out the girls clothes and I am trying to be as organized as possible but it seems to all look like a mess!  It all should be done in a couple of days and be stored away but that does not seem to happen fast enough!

I will say I was so excited as I drove off to school this morning I saw one of the most beautiful things in nature-- a rainbow!  It was in my rear view mirror and was absolutely gorgeous!  I LOVE rainbows for their beauty but also because they are a great reminder of God's promise of LOVE!  Work is stressful at times and this was a great way to begin the day for me so that the stress cannot get to me!  The kids are great but the lack of contract is an absolute strain on us all!  There is pressure coming from all over and the tension is so strong you can feel it in the air!  I will be so relieved if we are able to get a fair contract!

Life is amazing to me and I will not let small things get me down!  I am making the most of every moment as well as everyday God blesses me with!

Herceptin update

Herceptin treatment was Friday and I am finding that since I have no other treatments overlapping that this one is not as hard.  I have a slight headache and body aches but it is so much more manageable.  Although I need prayers for the next time because the nurses struggled horribly to get the IV in!  They tried 4 times on the left hand and arm.  Then they got permission to try the right side and was able to get one in.  I am a bruised mess and many of the sites hurt.  I cried at one point because I was so horrified that I was such a burden!  The head nurse, Maria, was so worried about me she got my doctor to come back and check in with me.  There was no one to be mad at because these veins of mine are so small and collapse so easily!  They are my burden and always have been!  Maria wants to make sure I only have her try so that no one else takes a site that she would have been able to get.  This will help but prayers could only make it less stressful on all of us! Even with all that trauma I am so excited because I was able to go on with life yesterday without much trouble!!  I actually should have been exhausted but the day was my best medicine...

Mom and I put on a wedding shower for my cousin Maggie!  It has been so wonderful for me to get closer to her over these past few years!  A pretty terrible thing brought us closer but I am so thankful to have such a wonderful relationship with her now.  In our family there are 17 cousins and I am the 2nd oldest while Maggie is around the 5th youngest... we have a pretty big age difference so we were not close as kids.  The shower went well and it was a blast to have all the aunts and cousins together although so many of us have had children so the adults were almost out numbered by the little ladies of the family.  It was so much fun to be surrounded by so many I love! Plus I got to have quality baby time with two of the little ones that were at the party!  And the best part was that was not the last of my baby time for the day....

Then we went to our soccer family party at the Wheelers.  Erin was in town with her husband and her brand new baby girl, Reagan.  I was tired from the shower and was not sure how I would survive the evening event.... but the loving atmosphere and the joy of seeing everyone gave me the boost I needed!  Plus there is nothing like enjoying the time of catching up with loved ones you have not seen in a while and holding a new life that is so full of life!!!  Our soccer family is an amazing group of people who I am so blessed to have in my life!  We have all grown up together and have shared so many wonderful times in our lives as well as supported each other through tough times!  We always have such a wonderful time together and each gathering seems like we have never been apart!  Colorado will be home for Jim and Sherri soon and we are going to miss having them here in Illinois but we know that our visits will be that much more special!  Plus the Klunders have a perfect vacation destination when we start to travel again!  Love crosses all state lines and lasts forever!

I woke up today rather exhausted and soar but so happy for the blessings I have been given this weekend!

I am finding it fun to do things I have not had energy to do in so many months!!  Tonight I baked chocolate chip cookies and zucchini bread.  It feels so great to be back to "normal."  It is a new normal since I did have to take a nap this afternoon since I was still tired from the weekend and work was rather busy. 

I am looking forward to gaining even more strength over time and find all the other things I have not done while fighting this cancer.  It is like Christmas each day when I open up a new activity that I have not enjoyed in a long time! 

A new nightly ritual we have started in this family is to play a rowdy bunch of games of Uno right before bed.  The girls have gotten so into playing this game and they are all at the perfect ages to play it!  Keith and I played with them last night and then the girls and I played tonight.  It is a great way to find family time and have our competitive nature come out in a good way.  These are some great memories!

I know you will say I am crazy but I am Katelynn's room mom!  I was called last night and decided I wanted her to have a great year overall so I took the "job" since no one else did.  I have already googled ideas for 4th grade parties and think this will be a lot of fun in the end.  ...We will see!

I have to make more appointments to check in with the doctors and find out the next steps.  I will meet with Dr. Lu to discuss when the final surgery will be now that radiation is over.  I have to talk with Dr. Ganshirt about the possibility of putting in another port... still not sure about this!  My veins are difficult but I do not know if I want to put another port in?!?!?!  I see Dr. Posner in a few weeks as well as Dr. Chung.  Herceptin is this Friday afternoon so all is just moving in the right direction!  I do have to begin the Tamoxifen which I have put off for a week and need to just start it!

REALLY?!?!?!

So the past few days have been BUSY!!!  The girls dance classes have begun and work is in full gear and the house looks like a bomb blew up in it!!  All these things are so normal but my body still is not so I am trying to adjust to functioning at a lower level and still come through for all these areas of my life.  I know I will do it I just have to find the way.

....but amongst all these normal activities there have been somethings that have been unbelievable and hilarious all at once!

On Monday we were trying to get home from the evening activities during rush hour (176 backs up horribly from 4 to 7) so I took a back way over to Gilmer Road and what do we run into????? Cows in the road!!!  There is a farm back by St. Mary's in Freemont area and they move the cows from a pasture on one side of the road to the barn area... if you have never driven on a road with a herd of cows I must say it is an experience!!  The girls LOVED it because the cows were within inches of us and they could watch as they swung their head to spray spit everywhere.  They also loved how slow they moved and how HUGE they were up close... let's just say I drove slow and prayed one of the cows did not try to come any closer for its sake and mine!!

Yesterday I was given the reason for some of why I have not felt good these past few days...my OLD friend that I had thought was not coming back arrived unexpectedly!!!  (If you are not sure "who" I am meaning just read on and the hints will help.)  It has been since January that I have dealt with this blessed natural event and I forgot how much "fun" it was!!!  I am now seeing why I have felt so horrible for the past 5 days specifically.  My hormones and my depleted body were battling for my energy!  I really do not want to complain as I have so many people in my life that are struggling to have their own family and now my body is working as if it could and I AM DONE!!!  I will be much better in 5 days!

Life is always interesting and I am finding ways to see the humor in even the things that used to make me crabby and cringe!  Enjoy your day and know you help to make me smile each day!

Cancer Free has not been exactly as I wanted it to be!!  I am reminded again that I am human and not Super Woman!!  I have tried to do too much and am paying for it all weekend long!!  

I am struggling with physical issues such as swelling in my legs and exhaustion like I have never felt it!  I am also finding my emotions are out of whack!!  I am so thankful it is the weekend and I have allowed myself to rest as often as my body has needed.  Although that means I gave up doing a lot of fun things that were on the calendar!!  I missed out on activities with friends and activities with family as well!  I am feeling more like a typical cancer patient now that I am not fighting through all the treatments... but rather I am fighting off all that the treatments did to my body!  That battle seems a little more intense since it has accumulated in my body for all these months.

I am so thankful for all the support I am still receiving each day!  I am one of the most blessed people in the world!

WE DID IT!!!!

As of 9 am this morning I completed radiation!  That means that in 9 months I have completed all the treatments that we decided to do all the way back in November when I was diagnosed!!!  I could not have done this without the love and support of all of you!!  The prayers were powerful and pulled me through when even I was ready to give up!  

THANK YOU for being a cheerleader and one of my angels as I have lovingly called all those that have taken this journey with me!!  Take a minute and enjoy the feeling of victory with me today!

It's CELEBRATION time...

I received a voicemail message on Friday that I would like to find a way to frame and put on my wall for a lifetime....

Sarah, my radiation therapist, called to tell me that as she was going over my file for the week she found out that I only have ONE more radiation treatment until I am done!!!  She said that the calendar I was given in the beginning of all of this was for 28 sessions but Dr. Posner had decided I would only need 25 sessions....SO I am done on Tuesday!!!!!

I was speechless when I heard the message and could almost not understand it at first!!  I quietly repeated the message to Keith and then it hit me so I yelled the message over and over!!  I would have done a dance if I had not been in the car and not feeling really well from the Herceptin.  

Friday was an interesting day for Keith and I... He got home in the morning and we got the kids ready and off to school.  Then we left together to go up to radiation together.  Keith wanted to see what the radiation room looked like before I was done with the treatments.  So he came in the back with me and we asked Sarah if he could come in while they got me ready. She was so awesome and showed him everything and explained all that they were doing.  He even got to go into their room where they watch me and make the machine do all it does to me during the treatment.  I was so glad to have him with me and allow him to be behind the scenes throughout the whole treatment.  My radiation therapists are such great people!  We even got to see one of the other patients complete her last treatment at which they gave her a certificate of completion... at that time I was telling them I was soooo excited to know I would be getting my certificate the following Friday.  I did ask Sarah and Depoche if they would be here the next week.  They both said they would and I was so happy because as you know the people that are part of my team are always so important to me!!  I want to be able to say my thank yous in person.... so when Sarah left the message she also let me know that she was scheduled to do CPR training on Tuesday so she would not be there.  I am sad but know that I will make sure to go back to see her later.

I went to work after radiation and then Keith picked me up at 1:30pm from school to head to the oncology office to meet with Dr. Chung and have my Herceptin.   It was a good appointment and we talked about all the needs to begin and appointments I need to make.  Then I went to have the treatment... although getting an IV in was near impossible and have made me decide to go back under and get a new port put in so I can stop worrying about extra needles and such.

I felt OK after the treatment but was tired.  SO I took it easy Friday night.  Then I woke up Saturday groggy and lightheaded but I tried to keep going.  I ended up in bed again shortly after getting up and stayed there for much of the day.  

Today my friend Katie was in town and came over with the boys.  We had a nice time catching up and having lunch together.  It is so wonderful to see these friends and I loved catching up on her brothers wedding I had missed yesterday when I was so sick.  Mike is the big brother I never had and I am so thrilled that he is now married to his high school sweetheart!  Love is such a powerful thing!!

I pray everyone has a wonderful long weekend and stay safe!