This weekend has seemed like an eternity since just on the other side of it I will have the final meeting before I get the anticipated surgery date. I have been using this time to do things that I have not been able to do throughout the past 6 months. I have been trying to tackle the cleaning out of our office/craft room which during these past months could also be called the dumping room. If things did not have a place in the house they came to this room for holding. It was a HUGE mess but the girls helped me empty the room and now I have slowly put things back or thrown things out. It feels good to accomplish a big project since I am getting more and more energy back.
Yesterday I took my longest trip since Christmas. I went down to see my grandparents. It was a bittersweet trip because my mom's mom is with hospice (again) and has truly taken the turn for the "worst." She is a fighter and we have seen her bounce back before but this time her body is telling us it is time for her to go. I was worried that the girls would struggle more than I would but they showed me how to look at it through their innocent eyes! They were able to take their experience of losing their friend Katie two years ago and apply it to this. Grandma slept most of the time and when she opened her eyes she really was not there. We left telling her we loved her and I stayed a little longer to kiss her, say a prayer for her, and then telling her over and over how much I love her. When the girls were kissing Grandma's cheeks and telling her they loved her, Grandma smiled for the first time with us. Love really is powerful and can break through all barriers.
I was also able to go out and see my dad's parents. Grandma on the farm (as the girls refer to her) had a mastectomy on Thursday and was home from the hospital on Friday. By the time we saw her Saturday you could hardly tell she had had surgery. She was moving around well and we had a memorable visit with her and Grandpa. We also walked over to my Uncle's greenhouses and bought a whole bunch of veggies for all our family members at home. He grows mushrooms so I went home with many varieties like Shitaki, creminis, and portabellas the size of my hand.
It was a rather emotional day in which I have come home quite down and am fighting to find that happy Lynn. She is still here but it is amazing how words can pierce even the happiest of people. One conversation during the day was unpleasant but yet I allowed it to take all the positive feelings I have felt and been surrounded by and throw them out the window. It has become so clear to me that words can be powerful weapons. I have faced death and come back stronger than ever but I crumble when a family member places the blame on me for a time years ago I was victimized by another. When do we stop needing our elders to approve of us or see us in a better light than they obviously do? How do I not let someone burst my happy balloon? I have tried to call upon all the beautiful, unconditional love you all have sent to me through your messages but this black cloud has persisted all night. We really do hurt the ones we love in the worst ways!
Tuesday cannot come soon enough! I will look forward to sharing with everyone all that we find out and ultimately share THE DATE!! I am sending my love out to all our veterans and those who have fought for us and gave their lives. I am also sending out love to their families and loved ones! This weekend has always been a special one in our family because my mom's father served in WWII as well as Korea. The military are one huge family who truly are the ones who know what true sacrifice is. Thank God for all these men and women!
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