No LASTS today!

Nothing went right today-- in my mind!

I should have known it would be a hard day for me when I woke up and felt rather anxious and almost sick to my stomach.  I was concerned about the PIC line we left in to try and have the Herceptin treatment put in without having to get an IV in.  It has been such a pain in my butt to keep it dry in the shower and it is located in a horrible spot because I drag it my food at times. 

So I moved rather slow and made us late to leave to drop girls at Kim's house.  All got to where they needed and we got to Libertyville in good time. 

At the doctors office I just keep feeling like I should turn around and run-- none of my favorite nurses were in the office at the moment and it just kept going down hill!!!  No PIC line, No Veins, and tears falling because I was so disappointed!  We gave up after 3 tries and no luck. I went in to see the doctor and that was the best and worst part-- Dr. Chung agreed this body needed one week to get back from surgery and so we would post-pone the treatment for a week.  Then she casually mentions she wants me to actually have two more treatments to ensure I have a full year of the meds.  At the end of July I should be done.... but I am waiting as seeing mode!

I can feel that there are great reasons this is all happening but while I sit here in the moment I am so sad and mad all at the same time! 

I realize my TRAM flap Breast Reconstructive surgery is missing from this blog... this one was a doozy!  It was rather overwhelming for all of us at the time of it all!

On Friday, June 15th I went into Lake Forest Hospital at 6 AM.  I was met by a stressed nurse and then terrified by a ranting Anesthesiologist who was pissed at me for having horrible veins..... Oh the tears flowed!!!  I must say though the tears stopped everyone from being in a negative way and even brought on an apology from the mean doctor.... I really thought about running out of there!  Each time a vein was massacred my anxiety rose to the roof!  A PIC line was decidedly the best way to go so they called for the nurse in charge of putting these in and she was up in a matter of minutes.  This was another experience that I had never had and hope I never need it again!  I was spread out like I was on the cross...I watched as she ultrasounded my veins and arteries to find the best placement.  I do not have very many options so she took the best one she could.  There were three nurses working on me and I was finally calming down. It went in successfully and they must have given me some beautiful cocktail to send me into a happy place.  The only regret I have is that I really did not say good bye to Keith before I went to surgery because he was kicked out for the PIC line.  ...But God saw to it that I came out of this one OK and I would see Keith in my ICU room.  

The ICU... a place I had never been and one I barely remember!  I do have two angels I met there, Nurse Sarah and CNA Heather.  The room did not have air conditioning that was working and no one would bring up a fan....I did feel at one time that I was going to start to boil.  I did not open my eyes much while in ICU because the morphine kept me pretty much asleep or dizzy.  The girls are such pros at the hospital and nursing homes that they visited me in all my different hospital rooms and were for the most part just fine.... Katelynn knew I wanted to hear all about what was going on with them, Lindsey wanted to be near me and hug away my pain, and Sarah stayed a little way away and looked at everything asking the occasional question of what this is doing to mommy?

Once I was in the regular hospital room, things began to move quicker.  I was no longer any lying around... Nurse Laurie was my drill sargent (but the kindest one I know!) and CNA Diane was a true angel for so many reasons!  I was also blessed to have Kellie who was being trained by Diane so I enjoyed both of them each day shift.  by my first full day in my room I was taken out the catheter and began to get out of bed.  It was a rough day on Monday when I wanted to give up and throw in the towel.  It is so much work to come back from this reconstructive surgery!!!  

By Wednesday I was given the best gift---- a SHOWER!!! Then I was able to have another on Thursday before I was discharged!  Water is truly my heaven on Earth!  I was ready to go home!!  Dr. Lu agreed on Thursday to let me go home and I cannot tell you how happy I was to hear those words!!  I was in the hospital for nearly 7 days... cannot wait to get that bill!  

Home was awesome but scary as well!  Things would hurt or I would not be able to move well and get nervous it was too early to get home.  But now it has been 5 days and I am walking slowly but more confidently and I am even able to shower without any help although I do not turn down help since it will lessen the energy I lose.  I eat one meal a day that the kitchen table and will be up to at least two.  I sat at a small table today and went through all the bills and mail that piled up.  

Each day gets better!  Each night gets easier! I am looking forward to losing all my drains and finding a way to make my abdominal muscles to work together better!  Thank you for everyones support and prayers!

I am not taking walking for granted anymore!  

I have accomplished so much these past five days!  BUT they are baby steps!  I am walking a little easier from the couch recliner to the bath room.  I am able to do the stairs in the house as long as it is once a day.  I am able to eat one meal at the kitchen table.  

..... I still have so much to still do!

God has been blessing us with so many wonderful gifts!  The ladies of the church have kept us well fed with both delicious and nutritious!  My cousin Amy was in from Guatamala where she is a missionary and we were able to have a visit that was so meaningful to me it truly uplifted my spirits and filled me with so much joy!  My girls are working on coming back to the responsible little girls I had raised them-- they got very used to all the spoiling! 

The day before Tram flap Surgery

As I am facing my last reconstruction surgery I am finding it an emotional roller coaster!  I was able to find some peace as I wrote this poem to share my feelings...

Cancer, I put you out of my every thought.

Cancer, I give you no more power over me!

Cancer, I say good bye to you with this surgery!

Cancer, I take only the good lessons with me.

You have taught me so much through the thought of my loss.

You taught me to love openly.

You have taught me to thank for all.

You have taught me to live like I have no more time.

You have taught me to take nothing for granted.

You have taught me I am strong

But vulnerable all at the same time.

I take with me all the angels in my life.

I take with me all the love I have been given.

I take with me all the care I have been shown. 

I take with me the power I have grown.

I take with me God’s love that held me up

When I wanted to fall.

I take with me every lesson I have learned.

I take with me the new, real me!

I move forward with strength!

I move forward with valor!

I move forward with the love of life!

I move forward to live!

I move forward to help others!

Really?!?!?!

Two days until surgery and so many things are going "wrong!"

Last night the dishwasher decided to die!  I could not figure out why I ran the same dishes two times and they were coated with powder and still dirty!  So then this morning Keith, the twins and I ran around trying to find one in stock.... Thank God for HH Greg!!!  We are going there for all necessary things in the future!!  The price was better than the other 3 places we tried (Sears, Home Depot and Best Buy) and they stock them in the store warehouse which is fantastic when you are desperate to get a HUGE amount of dirty dishes clean!!! I could not have gone into surgery without having those clean!!!

The laundry has overflown and I will be spending the next 48 hours trying to get it all done!!!

Today is our 14th Wedding anniversary!  It was such an awesome day of my life and I love looking back at the pictures to see one of our happiest days!  Keith is such a great partner!  I love him more today than ever!!  We have to postpone our dinner together until tomorrow night since he spent many of the hours he should have been sleeping to install the new dishwasher.  I cannot believe how blessed we are that he is so handy!  It makes for major household emergencies to become less stressful and much easier to be solved.  I do feel like the luckiest woman in the world for so many reasons!

I was so anxious about the surgery last week and now I am finding such a beautiful peace about the day that life will change!  I had PT yesterday and we went over so many different movements I will need to do and how to best do them after this surgery.  Jayne is my PT and she is one of my angels!  What helps me have peace is knowing she will be there after surgery to make sure I am progressing.  I cannot wait to see my "new" body.  This will be my silver lining for cancer!

Thank you to all for supporting us and helping us in so many ways!  I am one of the luckiest people in the world!

Life is never dull!

Panic attacks are taking over this body!  Cancer is a word that makes me think of true evil!! 

Cancer has been enveloping so many people around me lately I truly thought I was going to be swallowed up in sorrow when I heard about one of my cousins who is now having to go down this path!!  I did not have any sisters growing up but I had so many cousins who were just like sisters to me!  This is my oldest cousin who is the most recent diagnosed.  I know she will get through this because she is so strong!  I wanted to be the one to take it for the team and not have any one else in my family have to go through this!!  The second thought I had was how hard it is to be a mom and have cancer!!!  The kids are the ones who are constantly on your mind... I even remember thinking I should not go to the ER because it would cost money that needed to be used to pay for something the girls needed!!  It is not easy for moms to put themselves first (Most moms)!!!

I am struggling with "break through panic attacks" which basically means my body is over-reacting to my anxiety and is making me feel like I am in a continuous panic attack.  The break through comes from the fact that I am on meds to try and stop these.  I realize I do have some anxiety with the upcoming surgery but I really did not expect to be dealing with this like it is happening... I had an attack begin at about 9 am while driving in the car over to my school to do a few things and it kept happening on and off through lunch with Keith.  The feeling I get is an overwhelming fluttering of my heart and even a warm feeling in my chest.  I also do have a kind of worrying feeling from my head to my stomach.  The number one worst feeling is the need to cry for no reason!!!  It is also hard to think straight because all these other things going on are distracting!  I do feel like it is over for now but when I was in the oncology office I did ask about upping my meds until after the surgery which I was OKed to do if I needed. 

My 16th Herceptin treatment was today (17 total so next time is the last one!!!).  It was a terrible day for my veins!  They did not cooperate and it took 5 sticks... OH and I had my first vein blow out when they were putting in the saline--- I do not wish that on my worst enemy!!!  I am so sore still and it was hours ago!  I was needing to ask a few pre-op questions which all got answered so that was good!  The nurses are all wonderful and I do not blame them for the problems today!  I just have the worst veins to get an IV in and I have no idea what miracle will be done to have one put in for the surgery coming up BUT I do know they will find a way!

I am doing rather well after Herceptin because Keith got me home quickly and I was able to lay down and fall asleep for a few hours.  I am totally exhausted and am on the couch for the night BUT my head does not feel as fuzzy as it has in the past.  Tonight I am the luckiest mom-- Katelynn is off camping with dear friends of ours and the twins are set up in the same room as I am in sleeping bags ready for a campout of their own!  Daddy had a wonderful idea to help me get through the night without a lot of trouble... even the American girl dolls are sleeping in their tent my mom got the girls!  :)

I am blessed and know that all I am going through is making me stronger!  I will walk away from this surgery with a "do-over" chance to get healthy and fit.  I am planning to take advantage of the change in my body to spark me into a more physical life in which I respect the whole me! 

I am in the midst of praying for all the new babies in our life: Brianna Grace, Addison Lynn, and the many that have not yet been born but who are absolute miracles to those being blessed with them.  I am also praying for those who have been recently diagnosed with cancer and those who have lived with the diagnosis for years.  Thank you for all of your prayers for me!

Herceptin is tomorrow (instead of Friday).. and it is the next to last one!!!  I will have one more on June 29th and that will be the end of these treatments!!!  I have MADE IT!

I have dealt with many medical professionals this week and am looking forward to focusing on having some fun living for the next 6 days after this treatment and before the surgery! 

Yesterday was the zoo with all three girls and mommy.  I took the girls to the zoo by myself and had so many fun memories from it!  We saw all our favorite animals and we did a great deal of people watching (it was a packed house full of buses!).  The girls ended the trip with a Carousel ride after which Sarah had the quote of the day:  "That seahorse gave me a wedgie!!!!  It's shell was skinny!"  It was a great day and one I am glad I was brave enough to accomplish on my own!

New days to come and new fun to be had!

I met an angel at Walmart

Have you ever had an experience when you knew that something bigger just happened to you??? 

Today was an exceptionally overwhelming day of phone calls to hospital nurses and case managers at the Insurance company, doctors appointments for Pre-Operation appointments, and scheduling all the activities needed to get the girls through the surgery week as well as the rest of the summer.  Needless to say I was pretty anxious and nearly exhausted by the time I was driving home from the last appointment down in Skokie.  I decided to stop at Walmart to pick up some good picnic food for the girls and I to go to the zoo with tomorrow.  As I was checking out with a cart load of junk food and other household things, I began to converse with the employee checking me out.  Her name was Judy and she was such a lovely person!  I donated to the Children's charity which changed the subject to my own diagnosis.  She shared a wonderful story of a friend who had major medical issues and how she defeated all odds to prove the doctors wrong!  As we said our good-byes she took the time to tell me that she knew I would also defeat this cancer and have a wonderful life ahead of me... she may have been a stranger but she said everything I needed to hear at a rather crucial moment!!!  THis leaves me to ask... God, did you send me this angel to let me know I could let go all of my fears?  God, did you send this message to me so I could find peace before this major surgery and life changing moment of being done with treatments?  A beautiful calming came over me and was uplifted again!  I decided to go over to the Family Christian Book store at that moment.  I have been wanting to pick up a few books to read while I am recovering for a few weeks but have not made the time.  I was enjoying looking through all the various sections (without the distractions and complaints when I take the girls with me) and as I was checking out the two ladies said a prayer for me once they knew why I was buying the various books.  I have been so blessed today by complete strangers!  God works in mysterious ways!!

My doctors appointments went well.  I met with Dr. Jason to do a pre-op appointment.  He did find that my thyroid looks a little abnormal when I swallow so we will be watching that... not really needing any new diagnosis at the moment.  He okayed me for surgery and is sending out the report needed.  A few hours later I was off to Skokie to meet up with Dr. Lu.  This appointment was filled with information about all to expect after surgery.  I am so blessed to have such a fantastic set of doctors taking care of me!  this appointment went so well and I am so thankful Dr. Lu is tkaing care of me!  I could not ask for a more caring or kind group of medical people on my team!!

I have had some high stress days this past week and I am looking forward to some fun ones ahead of me!  I am trying to take the girls to the zoo this week as well as to the beach or other places around home.  I will be trying to cram lots of activities into a short amount of time since I know that after June 15th I will not be doing much of anything but sitting around the house. 

I will forever be looking for those angels who are everywhere!!!  Thank God for little miracles and messages!