Panic attacks are taking over this body! Cancer is a word that makes me think of true evil!!
Cancer has been enveloping so many people around me lately I truly
thought I was going to be swallowed up in sorrow when I heard about one
of my cousins who is now having to go down this path!! I did not have
any sisters growing up but I had so many cousins who were just like
sisters to me! This is my oldest cousin who is the most recent
diagnosed. I know she will get through this because she is so strong! I
wanted to be the one to take it for the team and not have any one else
in my family have to go through this!! The second thought I had was how
hard it is to be a mom and have cancer!!! The kids are the ones who
are constantly on your mind... I even remember thinking I should not go
to the ER because it would cost money that needed to be used to pay for
something the girls needed!! It is not easy for moms to put themselves
first (Most moms)!!!
I am struggling with "break through
panic attacks" which basically means my body is over-reacting to my
anxiety and is making me feel like I am in a continuous panic attack.
The break through comes from the fact that I am on meds to try and stop
these. I realize I do have some anxiety with the upcoming surgery but I
really did not expect to be dealing with this like it is happening... I
had an attack begin at about 9 am while driving in the car over to my
school to do a few things and it kept happening on and off through lunch
with Keith. The feeling I get is an overwhelming fluttering of my
heart and even a warm feeling in my chest. I also do have a kind of
worrying feeling from my head to my stomach. The number one worst
feeling is the need to cry for no reason!!! It is also hard to think
straight because all these other things going on are distracting! I do
feel like it is over for now but when I was in the oncology office I did
ask about upping my meds until after the surgery which I was OKed to do
if I needed.
My 16th Herceptin treatment was today (17
total so next time is the last one!!!). It was a terrible day for my
veins! They did not cooperate and it took 5 sticks... OH and I had my
first vein blow out when they were putting in the saline--- I do not
wish that on my worst enemy!!! I am so sore still and it was hours
ago! I was needing to ask a few pre-op questions which all got answered
so that was good! The nurses are all wonderful and I do not blame them
for the problems today! I just have the worst veins to get an IV in
and I have no idea what miracle will be done to have one put in for the
surgery coming up BUT I do know they will find a way!
I am
doing rather well after Herceptin because Keith got me home quickly and I
was able to lay down and fall asleep for a few hours. I am totally
exhausted and am on the couch for the night BUT my head does not feel as
fuzzy as it has in the past. Tonight I am the luckiest mom-- Katelynn
is off camping with dear friends of ours and the twins are set up in the
same room as I am in sleeping bags ready for a campout of their own!
Daddy had a wonderful idea to help me get through the night without a
lot of trouble... even the American girl dolls are sleeping in their
tent my mom got the girls! :)
I am blessed and know that all
I am going through is making me stronger! I will walk away from this
surgery with a "do-over" chance to get healthy and fit. I am planning
to take advantage of the change in my body to spark me into a more
physical life in which I respect the whole me!
I am in the
midst of praying for all the new babies in our life: Brianna Grace,
Addison Lynn, and the many that have not yet been born but who are
absolute miracles to those being blessed with them. I am also praying
for those who have been recently diagnosed with cancer and those who
have lived with the diagnosis for years. Thank you for all of your
prayers for me!
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