I WANT TO KNOW!!!

As I was placing my cell phone on the charger I saw that I had two voicemail messages.  When I checked them, it was Dr. Chung letting me know that the one piece of pathology we are waiting for won't be available until next week.... so we do not need to have the appointment tomorrow. 

I am not doing well with this waiting thing! I keep finding myself crying because I am able to work myself up to the day of the appointments only to have the need to cancel it.  I am on such an up and down roller coaster it is painful!  This too will pass! 

I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL 4th of July weekend!

No News......YET!!!!

Well Keith and I had dropped the girls off with my girlfriend, Anne on our way to the doctor's appointment.  Halfway there we received word that one of the pathology reports was not available yet so we would need to reschedule the appointment.  We are now going in on Friday to hopefully find out what is next.... I am so bummed because I wanted to have the answer today!!!  I wanted to know if I am DONE or if I still have a few more steps on this journey!  Patience is not a virtue I am blessed with and I want to know all the answers right now!!!

.......More to come on Friday (I hope!!)

Friends...

We are just home from enjoying a fun pizza dinner with one of Keith's college roommates and his family.  Danny and Toni were a couple all through college as we were and they have been such great friends to us throughout all these years!  They have two beautiful girls who are 10 and 7 and all the girls got along and enjoyed many of the same things.  They are up at Key Lime Cove for a short vacation.  We are so blessed to have a chance to be with such good, old friends.

Friends come in our lives at all times and under all circumstances.  It is such a blessing for us to have such wonderful friends!

I was able to take the girls to the library today to turn in our reading logs so we could get our prizes.  I drove for the first time and all went well which was such a freeing feeling!  I am no longer stuck at home without any way of going out.  It is a MAJOR accomplishment!

I have been on the phone with so many friends today and I am still not caught up with talking to everyone who has called or sent a message over this past week!  I will get to everyone as soon as I can!

Tomorrow is the DAY!  I will be going into the Oncology office to meet with Dr Chung about all the pathology and where we go from here.

Today I should have been presented at the Tumor Talk.  My Cells and information will be shared with the best of the best cancer specialists in this area.  They will discuss whether or not I should have radiation and what the future looks like for me.

I am so hopeful to hear god news but I do realize there is a possibility we still have a little more fighting to do to ensure we are completely done with this disease!  The lymph nodes are still the unknown entity at the moment.  If anything it should only be radiation that is left to complete this fight!

It is such a nice day out and I was able to take the girls out to the library this morning.  It was a great outing and the girls were so well behaved as well as helpful to me.  We are all doing the reading clubs so we all turned in the latest list of books we have read.  The girls are motivated by these little prizes which is nice to see them enjoying books!  I also had many books I had read in the past three weeks.  We made it there and back without a problem.  I have now fed them a lunch they each liked and we are having some quiet time (TV time for them).  They will be playing outside in a little while.

I have been thinking about how thankful I am for everything I have and have experienced since November!  I have always had many great friends but since November I have learned to cherish all of my friends as well as allow them to take care of us.  Friends mean so much more to me and I am so thankful for each of you!  I have stayed in the house and not been in contact with many people over these last 2 weeks but it has been quiet time that I have been able to reflect on all of you and all you have done for us!  You all can take credit in my success because I could not be here without everyone of you!

My family is also some of the most helpful people in my life!  I have been blessed to be given such fantastic people in my life!  You are all a gift from God to me!

THANK YOU!  .... looking forward to sharing the news from tomorrow with you!

THEY' RE BACK!!!

Last night at 5:15pm the troops made it to mom and dad's after a day of packing up, hiking, and riding in the car for hours.  It was a warm welcome home and a nice reunion.... of course the mom in me was called to duty in a matter of minutes of them walking through the door.  We would not want to have a day without sister fighting, would we???  After realizing that there are still rules and mommy was not so "sick" they could get away with anything, we exchanged many stories and the girls gave me the gift they had all picked out... a pink breast cancer t-shirt that said, " I fight like a girl!"

We enjoyed a nice dinner with my parents and then we sent Keith and Malibu home to get the house ready for me to come home.  We are now all up and dressed and waiting for him to come and pick us up. 

It has been such a blessing to have stayed here at my parents house while I recovered this first week after surgery!!  They took such good care of me and gave me everything I needed! My mom was the best nurse I could have ever asked for!  She and I had a fantastic routine to empty my drains, put ointment on the incisions, and get ready for the day as well as the night.  It was a nice week to return to being the child and not have anyone else to worry about!  I did have my lowest day in the middle of the week but other than that brief time it has been a time I have cherished!  Thank you mom and dad for taking such good care of me!!  You are the BEST!!!

I also see how the time the girls and Keith had together was wonderful for them!  They had good times together and learned a great deal from each other... All four seemed to have grown up over the week!!!  I also selfishly love the fact that they all seem to recognize all I do for them to make many of our family trips easier for each of them.  (Well they at least always have a pillow when I do-- thank you to all who are not letting Keith off the hook for that mistake! :) 

I have worked out a plan with the girls which I am finding is working well:  The twins are in charge of helping me pick up things on the floor or too low for me.  Katelynn is going to help me get things too high for me or too heavy for me.  The twins have really taken their job seriously and at the moment there have been no complaining from any of them as they have helped me.  I know this will change but I do see that the girls recognize the things I cannot do and those I can do pretty well but they also understand I will be able to do more and more as I heal. 

It is wonderful to have all of us home together!!  It will be a tough week that will take all of us working together to get through it.  I am praying I will be strong enough to take care of everyone and heal at the same time.  This will be a job I have to share with others for the week.

Even more to celebrate!!

I am just home from a dinner out with my mom!  We decided that if I am having to get into the car and go to Skokie tomorrow to see Dr. Lu I had better make sure I would be able to do it without a ton of pain.  Dad had a business dinner tonight so we took the opportunity to go to Oregano's for an early dinner.  I have been craving my favorites from there since I came home from the hospital and thought this would be a great test of my stamina and ability to be out.  I also went out without a hat or wig which was another leap for me since I am a little self conscious about how I look these days. 

So today was the first day I am dressed in clothes to leave the house in...AKA not pjs or extremely comfy clothes that do not necessarily match.  It was also the first time I have gotten in the car since I left the hospital.  Now it is the first time in public since my entire body has taken on a new form which is still a work in progress!

Here is a Sarah story for those who need a laugh... Every year the girls go to the Park store to pick out a Devil's lake t-shirt.  They are all choosing the one they want and checking if they have the right size.  Sarah catches sight of some hats and went over to check them out and there she came across a skunk hat (live the Davey Crocket type hats but looking like a skunk).  She decided that was all she wanted instead of a shirt.  So tomorrow when they come home I will have two girls with fun camping shirts and one who will look like she has a skunk on her head.  I love that Sarah is such an individual!!!  Missing them all so much and cannot wait to see them tomorrow!

Again I have to thank you all for your support, messages and prayers for me over these past 24 hours!  I could not be here without all the help!

sleep + good pain meds = better day

WOW!  Yesterday was a terrible day for me!  I really cannot believe how low I could get. The pain was horrific and my emotions were all messed up.  I am so thankful that this is a new day!!

I cannot thank all of you who helped me through yesterday enough!!!  The messages of encouragement and the phone calls to remind me that it is OK to have a bad day and to allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel were some of the best medicine.  My mom was also the biggest help when we sat on the couch crying together and sharing our feelings.  She made me realize I was not the only one who was scared or emotional when she shared how she could not lose me and how proud she was of all I had done to get rid of this cancer.  It validated how hard I had worked and that I was not alone in being scared during this journey.  My mom is always so strong and to have her break down with me was powerful.  She also helped me physically find some comfort when she had the idea to rub Ben-gay on my back to try and help my muscles relax in order to sleep.  This really did help last night!  I also found a slightly new position that gave some of my muscles a chance to be comfortable.  I slept all the way through the night until 8:45AM.  YEAH!!! 

I am taking it easy today and staying on top of my pain with the meds.  This will hopefully help me to be strong enough to make the doctor visit tomorrow a good one.  Getting into a car is frightening because the ride from the hospital was painful... any bump or swerve or turn was uncomfortable even with the use of a pillow against my chest.  But it must be done to get some of these drains removed and find out how we proceed from here.

The future is what I look forward to and pray is increasingly better as it comes!!!

... there is nowhere else to go BUT UP!

The Smillie Lynn has gone away for the day and she has been replaced with a pain filled, depressed Lynn... but I did get better! 

I was unable to sleep much last night and I was so uncomfortable as I laid there praying for sleep.  It was the first night I was truly unable to relax enough to sleep.  My muscles are sick of sleeping in the one position I am able to lay in.  I woke up with a horrible headache and a severe tightening in my chest muscle.  If this was not enough I was so sad and the tears flowed all morning long. 

Mom and I are thinking that the pain has just gone on so long that it is getting to me mentally.  I also talked through anything I had done that might have made the chest muscle hurt and I do know that I lifted a pitcher of iced tea out of the fridge which was rather full and heavy.  The headache could have been from no sleep and the change in pressure with all the storms.  The heartache are my hormones going crazy as well as the fact that I have been away from my girls for a whole week... I have never been away from all of them for this long ever!!!  I am missing them soooooo much! 

The girls sound like they are having a wonderful time camping and we all know it is Keith's favorite thing in the world to do!  It is nothing compared to sitting around the house taking care of me.  I know they are having a rainy day today but they have been able to hike, swim, play in the sand, and eat tons of smores.  It is so good to know the girls have a chance to count on Keith for everything and they have done well!  I do know he has realized how much I do to make sure everything is packed since the first night they wanted to go to sleep and found out that there were no pillows... daddy improvised with towels and then ran to Walmart and got new pillows for everyone. 

Today has been a mental and physical challenge for me!  I was hoping to be up and ready to start taking walks around the block and doing more for myself, but I was reminded again that I am not in control!  I slept most of the day away and cried during the hours I have been awake.  There is so much to get used to now... I look in the mirror and still do not recognize myself right away.  I am struggling with the fact that I still have not much hair and I now have a very different body.  I am going to have to get used to everyone's reactions to the changes in me, I am just glad it is not today because I am very weak in all ways.

You would have thought that after all I have been through this surgery and recovery would be easy for me... I went through 10 rounds of chemo and more biopsies than I want to recall... not forgetting all the mammograms they had to do over those 2 weeks in November.  I feel like such a failure at the moment and I am feeling like the biggest burden to all!  I am struggling once again to know how to let other people take care of me or ask for help. 

i am going to call this my Boo-Hoo day and hope that there will not be another one!!!!  I am praying for peace and for healing.

I have been "home" for 24 hours and am happy to say I had one of the best night sleeps last night! I am adjusting to being taken care of by my parents again... this is taking me back to the years of my childhood and I am trying to enjoy every moment! They have always cared for me even as I have been an adult but I have not had this wonderful opportunity of living with them for this many days. I am such a lucky girl!

Sleep has been a big part of there 24 hours. I slept all night without being woken up for vitals or meds or change in staff. I even slept in without children desiring to be fed or fighting over the remote to watch different shows. I have napped after doing a simple task of eating lunch or taking a shower or just being awake for a few hours straight.

Physically I am still unable to do much without pain. Using my arms is one of the most difficult thing right now. My chest muscle is still so tight and when I try to do anything using them it HURTS!!! You are not aware of all they do for you until they are not available. I am so happy because I do not seem to be swelling at this time which I was struggling with in the hospital. he freedom of movement here at home has ben very beneficial to me overall!

There are so many wonderful things that happened in the hospital for me I will have to blog those over the next days when I have the strength. I have to say that Lake Forest Hospital is a WONDERFUL place to be taken care of after surgery. The nurses and techs could not have been better! I learned so much from each of them have helped me heal as well as I have!!

Drains are one of my new "bad four letter" words.... Stop reading if you are easily grossed out.... There are four drains coming out from under my armpit area (2 on each side). They are plastic bulbs attached at the bottom of a LONG IV type tubing. This tubing is sewn into me where the fluid accumulates and has to get out of the body so everything can heal. The drains are squeezed so that they have suction to get the fluid out of the body. They have to be drained each day 2 times a day and measured to find out the cc output. I found out today that as soon as they are only putting out 20cc or less. Let me tell you having these things hanging from me is quite obnoxious and they are always in the way.

Soon I will have to blog about my new ones... still trying to figure out how I feel about it all! The weight is off and feels good BUT I lived with the others from since I was in 4th grade. I do have to mourn them in some way since they were there to give my babies the nutrients they needed and they were probably one of the reasons the boys were drawn to me when I was in Junior high and even gave me a way to keep Keith during the early days... :) I am working through all of this and know I will be happy when we are completely done with all the r​e​c​o​n​s​t​r​u​c​t​i​o​n​!

More to come when my arms are ready to type again!

I'm Back!!!

Hello Everyone!  I have been let out of the hospital and am now in recovery heaven!  I am at my mom and dad's house for this week.  I am being cared for by two of the most wonderful people!!!  I am such a lucky girl!

This blog will be short only because my arms have trouble staying away from my body without a great deal of pain.  I wanted to let everyone know that Lynn IS BACK!!!  My body looks different and my journey has changed me for the good but I am on the road to recovering back to the person I used to be and probably even improved!

There is a great deal of pain still and a variety of interesting things I have to do each day but all of that is minor when it comes to the day I can announce that I am the big C word-- a four letter word that means I am free of cancer!!!  I can already feel all the celebrations we are going to have over this summer!

More to come tomorrow....

Surgery Update...done by Keith

The Big Day...
The big day finally arrived.  We woke up very early on thursday, and arrived at Lake Forest Hospital at 6a.m.  Lynn seemed a little nervous and slightly less teary than I thought she would have been.  Once we entered the hospital the whole thing started pretty quickly.  We started in day surgery and within a couple of hours she had been visited by all of the surgeons and was ready for surgery.  Then after an emotional and beautiful prayer with friends, just before 8 a.m.  I gave her the final kiss goodbye and she was wheeled away.  

Now the wait started.  I was sent to the waiting room where Katie, Fran, Marcia, and I began the wait.  We made ourselves as comfortable as possible and watched the status board for information.  Just before 10 a.m. Dr. Ganshirt came out and gave us the news that his part was complete.  He informed us that everything went great and the injection from the day before had not traveled anywhere! (that was the radioactive shots that are attracted to the cancer cells) The area near the chest wall that we were all worried about looked great.  I was so relieved and excited, I could not wait to tell Lynn.

Then the info started to go out.  (I felt like a high school teenager)  I sent and received over 300 texts on 2 phones.  Sorry to all if I missed anyone or sent the same text twice.  

The next part of surgery was now going on.  Dr. Lu was putting her back together.  We were expecting this to take till 2:30.  Just about 1:15ish Dr. Lu came out with a big smile on his face.  He said Lynn was in recovery and doing great.  Dr. Lu explained his part of the procedure and answered all the questions we had.  She finally was moved to a room and began to rest.

Right around 3:30ish we were able to go to her room.  She and I were so happy to see each other.  Then I was able to tell her what the doctors had told us.  When she heard what Dr. Ganshirt had told me she took a big breath and teared up (HAPPY TEARS!).  Then she asked what about the chest wall?  I told her that the injection did not travel, all looked great and possible no radiation. :)  She looked so relieved.  Grandma Marcia brought a beautiful get well card from our 3 beautiful girls, and the gift shop delivered pink roses from my parents.

Dinner.  Lynn was fed a gourmet dinner of cherry jello, hospital chicken broth and a popsicle.  She was so hungry that it tasted good.  After dinner she finally started to look awake and aware.  The only issues she had was pain, and the morphine pump would beep at her when she had her limit.  I stayed with her till midnight, and then made her as comfortable as possible and left her to rest.   SHE MADE IT!

The Day after Surgery update
The first morning after surgery was the start of physical recovery.  Friday started by bringing the kids to see mommy.  Each of them seemed to focus on a different part of mommies medical equipment.  They were happy to see mommy out of bed and in the recliner chair.  Katelynn would not leave mommy alone until she helped Lynn pick out lunch and phone in the order.  She thought it was cool that mommy could pick anything and it would be delivered right to her room.  I told Katelynn not to get any ideas. (she also picked up on this same food deal with Great Grandma Peck in he nursing home)  Sarah took time and did not say much.  She looked at all the machines with lights and numbers flashing, and followed the leads to mommy.  Sarah will quiz mommy when she gets home.  Lindsey, our little bundle of OCD energy, just wanted to push the morphine pump hand button.  After Lynn was in need for a button push, Lindsey was there for the job.  Then she was able to enjoy seeing mommy.  During the visit with the children, Lynn's first surgeon made a stop to check on Lynn.  I introduced Dr. Ganshirt to the girls and explained what his part of the surgery.  All of the the girls thanked him for taking the cancer out of mommy as he left.  They all gave Lynn as many little hugs and tons of kisses as they wanted.  After 1.5 hours they had as much hospital as they could take.  They were now off to a play date with the Bonk's and James families.

While I was dropping the children at the play date, Lynn was visited by Dr. Lu.  He checked his work and applied an ointment on her incisions.  This was the first time Lynn saw her new parts.  "Wow, they are so much smaller" Lynn said.  She has been amazed how it feels.  

When I returned her dad was in visiting.  He had been with her during lunch, and left shortly after I returned.  Lynn was so glad to see him.   

I have been joking with Lynn (and you think I wouldn't) and keeping her spirits up.  She has 2 new "sisters" and 10 newly found toes!  Lynn would probably slap me if she could catch me.  I will get mine just give her time.  She has noticed that her balance is off, and is happy that her back pain may be gone.

Lynn had a number of visitors that seemed to have planned their visits.  We never had a backup, they were so evenly spaced one after the other.  In my opinion that is just what she needed.  All of the talking she did helped her with the breathing exercises.  For all the parents, aunts, uncles, friends and former oncology nurse, thank you for keeping her laughing.  I think this also helped her want to sleep last night.  Thanks for all of the flowers and cards, they make her smile and brighten up the room with color and fragrance.  I left just after 11 and she was ready for bed.

Hopefully after today she will get out of the hospital.  There is a small chance she will be there until sunday.  If that is the case I will continue to write her blog.  Sorry if i seemed to ramble at times, but when I sit here my mind races on things I need tell all of you.  I thought I would have blogged auto websites about suburbans or campers, but nothing is as important to me as my wife/family and our battle with cancer.  Thank you again for all the thoughts and prayers, they mean so much to us.  She made it one full day!

Breaking news.  I just talked to Lynn, and she will be at the hospital until sunday.  They want to keep her, to get her even stronger.

The night before surgery

It has been a day of running around and finishing things and saying goodbye. 

The day started early with me going to see Dr. Chung as a followup to the trouble with my port.  All seems fine and it gave us a chance to catch up on all I have been doing and all that will happen tomorrow.  I also made my appointment to go over all the findings in two weeks with her.  I also was thrilled to see the Nurse Practitioner, Jennifer and talk with her for a few minutes.  I made sure I went back to the chemo room to say Hi to the nurses and give one of my "Gratitude" bracelets to Maria who was the nurse who had to deal with my port whenever it refused to work!  I was always her challenge! :)  I cannot help but be happy and smile whenever I am in this office!

I spent a few hours packing for everyone and myself for the weekend.  I made sure the girls had all they would need and even had time to record a story book for them so they would still have me tucking them in even if I was not there.  The book turned out so cute and they opened it at mom's and loved it!  Sarah had already listened to it three times when we had to say goodbye.  We took the girls to mom's after Smiling Stars camp and we brought Wendy's for them for lunch.  Keith and I brought in all their stuff and made sure they were settled in before we left.  Saying goodbye was hard for all of us!  Tears were flowing from all of us but we were able to get everyone calm as we walked out.... except for me because I let the tears out when I got to the car.  It is so hard to leave these beautiful girls for even a few days!! 

The day ended with Keith and I going to the hospital for a sentinel node injection which was rather an interesting procedure.... four shots in the nipple area which was rather painful!!  I was glad to be done with that and going home!!  On our way home we picked up my pain killer prescription and then went to Slyce for a wonderful dinner together.  At dinner we realized that it will be exactly 7 months from the day of my diagnostic mammogram when life changed to the day of surgery which is another day life will change for this body.

Keith will try and blog for me over the next three days.... be patient with him!!  He is a rookie!

The Day before surgery

Thinking back to November I did not foresee how I would get to this moment in the journey but I am here!!!  It is a relief and a terrifying moment for me! 

I am finding more and more peace about the surgery but it is now the fact that I will be leaving the girls for a few days that is stressing me.  I know they will be well taken care of by my parents and the friends who are helping them.  I am also realizing that I will not see much of them for over a week since as soon as I get out of the hospital Keith is taking them camping for the week.  This really is not a long time in the scheme of things.

I am packed for the stay at the hospital and for the week after when I am at mom and dad's.  I am taking all of you along with me as I bring the cards and well wishes that have come to me along with your continuous prayers for me.  I have so many wonderful tokens of everyone's support which help remind me I am never alone!  I am also taking with me all the different suggestions I have been given by so many to find peace with the surgery. 

I have prepared all I can!  I went out and got a recordable book from the Hallmark store that I have recorded for the girls so I can still help tuck them into bed even if I am not there.  I have made sure they are packed for the weekend and have a schedule printed out for mom and dad.  Keith and I will have an opportunity to have dinner together tonight alone.  I will cherish this time with him!

I am trying to focus on the fact that when I wake up from the surgery I will have the cancer out of my body finally!  I look forward to having no more cancer in this body which will allow me to be free of this!!

Updates will come as often as we can get them to you!  Thank you for your constant support!

I was reminded today that I AM NOT IN CONTROL!!!  We dropped the girls off at Smiling Stars camp and then drove to the oncologists office to have the nurses check my port because I have been in a great deal of pain in that area.  The nurses were concerned it needed to come out... so I saw one of the other doctors (Dr. Chung was at the hospital doing rounds), Dr. Ahmed who was very nice and he sent me to get an ultrasound to make sure there is not a clot.  This was a fascinating test because I got to see the blood flowing through the veins in my arm.  The ultrasound tech let me know that I looked good and she did not find any clots.  The port does have scar tissue which one of the doctors thought might be the reason I am having some pain.  This adventure took all morning which meant I did not get anything I wanted to get done.  I found myself crying in the oncology office because I was not ready to go into the hospital and have this port removed right now.  It would have thrown all my plans off BUT I believe that was God's plan to make sure I have learned all my lessons.  The one on the top of the list is that I am not in control!!!

I am fine and we made it down to our pre-surgery meeting with Dr. Lu (the plastic surgeon) and his nurse.  We got my prescriptions and asked any questions we had for Dr. Lu.  It was a very good appointment and I am feeling better about going into surgery.

I am still feeling pain in the port area but I am happy to know that there is not a clot to worry about.  Tomorrow is my big day of getting ready for surgery and pack the kids for their grandma and papa stay!!!

Today is very special because it is our 13 year anniversary!!!!  I have been married for 13 years to my high school sweetheart who I am so in love with!!!  He has also been my night in shining armor this year because he has helped to save me this whole past year!  I love you honey!

This has been a fabulous weekend!!!  I have had so much more energy and was spoiled by my whole family all weekend!

I have been treated to some of my favorite meals out at some of the yummiest restaurants.  We celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary along with Mom and Dad who have been married for 41 years.  It is fun to have the same wedding anniversary as my mom and dad because we all enjoy celebrating together!  This year we went to the family favorite restaurant (B.C.) with all of us, Brad, Mom and Dad.  We had such a fun time eating and talking and catching up on all the happenings in the family. 

Everyone treated me to all my favorites that I will miss while I am recovering from surgery.  I also got all the necessities that everyone has told me to get for surgery and recovery.  Today I found the button up clothes since I will not be able to raise my arm with the lymph nodes removed. 

We ended the weekend with a graduation party for our dear friend Saige who is one of the best role models for the girls and who they love so much!  She is Wendi and Ken's daughter who have taken the girls on a great deal of chemo days (when Kim allows them to have them).  Saige is such a sweet girl who the twins connected with instantly and who Katelynn truly looks up to!  The party was fun and we enjoyed all we talked with and caught up with on life. 

I am now exhausted and will sleep well tonight- I hope!!

The next three days are full of appointments and prep work at home to get ready for all that is happening this week.  The laundry is almost done and the camping stuff is being gathered for them.  I will do all that I can but I know it will not be everything.  I have to be willing to lower my expectations for now since I do not have all the energy and do not want to get sick before surgery. 

I have been so blessed to have been given all of you!  There have been so many wonderful ideas to help me find peace with this surgery by many of you!!  I am taking all of them with me when I go into the hospital.  I know there will be fear but I know I won't let it consume me as it has over this past week!  I especially love the idea that I need to think of Jesus being one of the people in the O.R. with me.  I know He will be there and if I can visualize him there it should bring me peace of mind to know all will go well. 

Thank you to everyone for all your love and support!!! 

What a good day for me!

I had to go back to the doctor's office to have a blood draw so the girls got up on their own and got ready so they could come with me.  They were such happy kids for most of the morning.  We drove to Gurnee and after about a half an hour we were done at the doctor's-- my veins are so impossible that it reminded me how awesome my port was for chemo!!!  Once we left the office we went to Panera to get mommy some food  and coffee as well as a treat for the girls.  It was a very pleasant time!!  The girls were so well behaved and enjoying each others company!  They helped each other with various things and we all had a great time talking and eating!  Then we began to make our way back towards Wauconda.  Ultimately we ended up in Island Lake at the Playland McDonald's to meet up with the Browns.  The twins had a fun time seeing Nate and Katelynn was automatically attached to "little Audrey."  It was so cute!  Melissa and I had a great time catching up on the previous weeks events and what is to come in the next weeks.  We are all so excited to know the three Kindergartners are in AM kindergarten together!  This will be a blast to celebrate Nov. 7th for all three of these kidos (the twins and Nate were all born on the same day).  It was a great time and we all went home tired and ready to relax.  My nap was WONDERFUL!!

The evening brings out the worst in these girls!  They are on the verge of crabby and want to still be entertained which is sad since they live in a house FULL of toys, games and activities.  I have them up in their rooms finding the floor so we can vacuum in a little while... such a mean mom!! 

I am starting my list of things I want to do before surgery... I have a few meals to eat that I may not have for a while, I have a few places I want to go to, and I definitely have to go shopping.  I am trying to envision what it will be like after surgery to know what I won't be able to do that I will miss... I will not be able to raise my arms well-- especially my right arm-- so I need to think about all the things I enjoy I cannot do.  I am thankful I have a NOOK from mother's day because it is light and can be used easily without much movement.  I am working on my IPOD to ensure I have a good amount of music to listen to especially in the hospital when I am attempting to sleep through noise and vitals checks.  I am finding myself doing many searches to find out the things I should pack for the hospital and what to expect for after surgery.  I have gotten a wedge pillow to have to help me sleep comfortably.  I have been given a couple different pairs of PJs that button up the front from my aunt and my mom which will be so nice and comfy for me!!!  These ladies are so thoughtful and wonderful to me!  The support of everyone is so AWESOME!!!  We have the girls covered and I know they will be so well taken care of when I cannot! 

I am so thankful for all the messages I have received to help me get more comfortable about surgery!!  I am finding it a little easier to think about the surgery and waking up by using all the suggestions and encouragement to know that I will wake up from it.  I love when someone suggested to me I should think of it as a well deserved nap that will bring about a chance to wake up a little lighter!  :)  Thank you to everyone for your encouragement!! It is priceless to me!

I am still trying to get everything done on my list of must dos but I am not sure I will finish... I will do the most important ones first and leave the others for last.  Today was encouraging to me because I was able to be out and about for longer than I have in a long time!  I will look forward to all I can do tonight and all I get done tomorrow with Keith's help. 

ONLY 6 MORE DAYS.....

One week to go...

Pre-op physical is complete!  I went to see Dr. Jason this afternoon with Keith to complete the physical I needed before I can have surgery next week.  We had a great visit with Dr. Jason.  I have to go tomorrow to have blood drawn for a liver check and then I will be all clear.  We really do have a fantastic team of doctors on our side!  Jason is such a fantastic doctor as well as a person.  He spent half an hour with us catching up on all that has happened since the last time he saw me.  Keith is also his patient so we are all comfortable talking and we had some good laughs...First he asked me if I drank alcohol or did drugs.  I looked at him and said "would you consider morphine doing drugs since that was the pain meds I had at home?"...  Then my favorite was when Dr. Jason was asking more of the questions and he got to "Are you sexually active?"  Keith and I said at the same time... "No.  Who has energy for that?"  All three of us had a good chuckle over this!

Life has changed in so many ways!  I cannot wait to have energy to carry the laundry baskets up to the bedrooms.  I look forward to going for walks and not worrying about whether I should go any farther or if I am going to be able to make it home.  I want my house to run like it should and not do the minimum.  

As I get closer to surgery I am still finding myself so nervous about it!  I keep asking everyone whether I will wake up again?  I am not worried about the pain after or recovering because I have been beaten down so many times this past 6 months that I know I will be fine in the end... it really is the surgery and going under that is scaring me out of my mind!  I have been praying for peace to come to me when I think about surgery but my heart and my head do not seem to agree.  I was looking at Sarah's preschool report card and I began to cry because I want to see these girls grow up.  I am so proud of these three beauties who do so well in all they try.  I want to see them meet each milestone of life!  May God bless me with a long life full of memories, laughter and love

Count down has begun...

... 8 days until surgery!!!!

I am finally feeling better but now I have so many things to get done before I am out for the count.  I am in the feverish mode of making the mommy do lists and preparing everyone's schedule.  I guess I have not changed very much!!  I am not going to have time to pack everyone for their camping trip so that will have to be Keith's job this coming weekend.  I will have to trust that he will do this since he really never has had to do it in the past. 

I have just gotten a bunch of loose tops and shorts with pockets for my recovery weeks.  I will be coming home with drains on both sides so I will need the pockets to hold them while I am up during the day.  The loose tops are so I can stay comfortable once I am towards the end of recovery when I can finally move my arm with the lymph nodes removed. 

Mom has generously taken the girls today for me so I can get more done and not have to be the cruise director for these "bored" children.  I am also glad we can get out of the house and let Keith get some sleep.  I am currently waiting for the laundry to finish so that I can complete my packing for staying at mom and dad's the week after surgery.  It will be so nice to be taken care of and not have to worry about caring for everyone else.

Thanks to a very special person in my life who is a wonderful minister and a breast cancer survivor I am finding more and more peace about the surgery itself.  This amazing lady has given me to the gift of a blessing she will say the morning of surgery with me and all who are coming to sit and wait.  She has also given me an idea of how I can bring a very comforting set of verses from the Bible with me into surgery.  I am so blessed to have someone like Fran taking care of me spiritually as I struggle through this part of my journey! 

I am also so blessed to have so many who are willing to help in any way they can!  We have been so blessed by friends who have given us the gift of groceries!  Peapod is our new friend and Jewel gift cards just arrived in the mail from Keith's Wisconsin "sister" which will be a huge help for him when he has to run out for those items we always run out of quickly!!  These are all such a huge help!

I am asking for prayers for me as I try to stay calm about this surgery and all it takes to prepare for it.  I am also asking for prayers for this family as we get ready for the changes we will endure with this part of the journey.

Thank you to all!!!  Love to you all!

Tough Weekend

This was a very tough weekend for my body which hindered my spirit!

I have been struggling with a great deal of pain and even a terrible amount of nausea.  I feel as if I had all the side-effects of my chemos hit me in one day.  Friday I began to have the chills, a delirious amount of pain and terrible nausea.  I cannot recall more than one day that was like this throughout chemo so I was so surprised when it came on so strong!  My energy level is so low and I am becoming so frustrated because I have so many things that have to get done!

I did accomplish the one goal I had before surgery-- The Girls Dance Recital!  We had rehearsal yesterday which I was able to be at with them.  Today they had the recital in the Genesee Theater in Waukeegan.  They were beautiful and did sooooo well!!  Afterwards we had a fantastic time with all the grandparents and Uncle Brad at Firkin celebrating the girls and all we have to be thankful for!!!  It was a nice way to end this personally horrible weekend. 

I can be proud of myself for going on with the activities of the weekend even though I was being challenged by my pain and uncomfortable physical feelings.  I know that each day is a gift and I will enjoy all that I can do in that time.  I do realize that I cannot do it all and it is OK to stay home when necessary.

As I type right now I am thoroughly exhausted but so happy and one of the proudest mom's in the world!  Life is so good!

WE HAVE A DATE!

Thursday, June 16th is the beginning of the end of this journey!  I will be going into surgery to have all of this cancer removed from my body so that the rest of my life can begin! 

I have many things I have to do in order to get ready for this surgery to occur.  I have to go to Dr. Jason to have a form filled out and blood taken to ensure my body is ready for surgery.  I have to go back to Skokie to meet with Dr. Lu, his nurse Lauren and his assistant Freddie.  I have to go in the day before and have the lymph nodes checked to allow Dr. Ganshirt know how many he needs to remove.  I was going to have to have a chest x-ray but luckily for me I was sick in January and we did one to ensure it was not pneumonia.  WOW!  I thought I had to endure so much while going through the chemo but this will be a tornado of events in this short amount of time. 

I also have to get the girls schedule all planned out and know who to ask for help.  I will have to set up all scenarios and know that everyone around me will keep everything going without me. 

I will need to get myself ready to be down for the count and I will have to recover at mom and dad's since the Sunday after surgery Keith and the girls will go off to their camping trip....OH boy! I have to get all their needs met for the trip before the end of next week!  I will have to start packing for them today.  It really will be worth all of this!

I am so relieved to have a date and know we really are moving forward.  As I have been home and not having chemo these past weeks I have felt a little in limbo.  At least when I was having chemo I was able to count down to the end of it.  These past weeks made me feel like I was slacking off since I was not working other than working to get stronger and ready for this moment.

Everyone who has heard about the date so far has been wonderful about asking what they can do.  I am not sure all I need yet but I know I will ask!  This is the best lesson I have learned over these months!  I will ask for everyone's prayers and there will be a time for each to help!

Thank you for holding me up and helping me get to this point!

I made the phone call to get a date for surgery.  I spent most of the night thinking about all the information Dr. Lu gave us yesterday.  It took a lot of looking at the options and weighing out the pros and cons for each option... there is the option of implants (silicone) or using my own tissue either from my tummy or my back.  With the unknown of whether I will need radiation it is hard to know what is the best way to go.  It would be best to have implants if I were going to have radiation since I would not want the tissue that is moved from other parts of my body to be radiated and possibly damaged from that radiation.  BUT if they find I do not need radiation I would much prefer to use my own tissue for the reconstruction.  Decisions....decisions....decisions!

I have decided to go with the implants to start.  That will allow us time figure out if I am having radiation or not.  I ultimately want to be cancer free!!  So I will do all I need to do in order to GO FOR THE CURE!!!  With this decision it means that I will have a shorter surgery but it also means I will have at least one more surgery if not two in the end.  This surgery will be a double mastectomy with the reconstruction consisting of expanders that will be in the place where the implants will ultimately go.  These expanders give the body a chance to make room for the implants.  Once I have the implants for a while and radiation (if needed) is completed I can opt to go back into surgery and have the implants replaced with my own tissue.  This recovery will take 4 to 6 weeks so I will most likely choose to do this next summer to have all the time to recover. 

I will be relieved once I get the call with the date for this first surgery.  I will have a 2 day stay in the hospital and recover from this one in about 1-2 weeks.  I will let everyone know when I know!