The Smillie Lynn has gone away for the day and she has been replaced with a pain filled, depressed Lynn... but I did get better!
I was unable to sleep much last night and I was so uncomfortable as I laid there praying for sleep. It was the first night I was truly unable to relax enough to sleep. My muscles are sick of sleeping in the one position I am able to lay in. I woke up with a horrible headache and a severe tightening in my chest muscle. If this was not enough I was so sad and the tears flowed all morning long.
Mom and I are thinking that the pain has just gone on so long that it is getting to me mentally. I also talked through anything I had done that might have made the chest muscle hurt and I do know that I lifted a pitcher of iced tea out of the fridge which was rather full and heavy. The headache could have been from no sleep and the change in pressure with all the storms. The heartache are my hormones going crazy as well as the fact that I have been away from my girls for a whole week... I have never been away from all of them for this long ever!!! I am missing them soooooo much!
The girls sound like they are having a wonderful time camping and we all know it is Keith's favorite thing in the world to do! It is nothing compared to sitting around the house taking care of me. I know they are having a rainy day today but they have been able to hike, swim, play in the sand, and eat tons of smores. It is so good to know the girls have a chance to count on Keith for everything and they have done well! I do know he has realized how much I do to make sure everything is packed since the first night they wanted to go to sleep and found out that there were no pillows... daddy improvised with towels and then ran to Walmart and got new pillows for everyone.
Today has been a mental and physical challenge for me! I was hoping to be up and ready to start taking walks around the block and doing more for myself, but I was reminded again that I am not in control! I slept most of the day away and cried during the hours I have been awake. There is so much to get used to now... I look in the mirror and still do not recognize myself right away. I am struggling with the fact that I still have not much hair and I now have a very different body. I am going to have to get used to everyone's reactions to the changes in me, I am just glad it is not today because I am very weak in all ways.
You would have thought that after all I have been through this surgery and recovery would be easy for me... I went through 10 rounds of chemo and more biopsies than I want to recall... not forgetting all the mammograms they had to do over those 2 weeks in November. I feel like such a failure at the moment and I am feeling like the biggest burden to all! I am struggling once again to know how to let other people take care of me or ask for help.
i am going to call this my Boo-Hoo day and hope that there will not be another one!!!! I am praying for peace and for healing.
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