Being a single mom is eye-opening to me!!! I have always been in awe of people who were raising kids all by themselves but now that I have had a taste of it I am finding myself so much more thankful for having the wonderful husband I do have!!!  I also will look at single moms much differently and give them the kudos they deserve!!!  I must confess though.... I have not done it alone at all!  Mom and Dad have stepped in and helped as well as my dear friends, Melissa and Wendi!  I really would have not made it through these past three days without them!!  Plus so many others who have cheered me on through these days of craziness!

Today the girls and I are going to enjoy some fun with family and friends so there will be more to report...

******* Mushy warning!!!    Just letting you know before!  *******

Having some time alone last night made me think about all these things and I find myself reflecting on life a great deal lately!!  I have to go back to the beginning to make this make sense so here goes...
Keith and I are high school sweethearts from LHS (Libertyville HS).  We have known each other since 7th grade but way back then I could not stand him because he was so immature!!  :)  Freshman year was the year in which I claim cupid shot me with an arrow because I fell in love with Keith during gym class.  We began "Dating" after flirting during square dancing and to date myself even more he asked me out at the roller rink when my friends took me there for my birthday.  The thing I am so grateful for is that we truly became the best of friends as well as madly in love with each other!  This is really what I believe has made our love last even through this huge test of life!  Keith is an amazing father as well which we have just talked about recently that since we have placed our priorities in life on family and friends instead of wealth we have really been so blessed!!  He is seeing so many amazing parts of the girls lives that he would have missed had he been working a more stressful desk job.  He is really my hero and even though I get mad at him for leaving his socks all over the house I still know that I am the one who is so lucky for having him in my life!!
All of these thoughts came about because I sent a thank you e-mail to his cousins who have treated him to this "Make-a-Wish" weekend.  Sean and Tim are amazing men who have known me since my early years of high school.  They are more like brothers than cousins and that entire family has been amazingly supportive of Keith and I through our entire time together!  I truly wanted these two to know how thankful I was and how amazing they were for doing this for Keith... this is more than just the money!  This was the thought and love that they put into making it all possible!  It is a pure gift with no strings attached!
I wish I could reproduce the relaxed and happy feelings I sense from Keith every time I have talked with him while he was there.  It sounds like the world has been lifted from his shoulders.... I just hope he wants to come home on Sunday.  :)
We love him and miss him very much so Sunday will be a day to celebrate for us!!

This week has been chalked full of events both anticipated and unexpected!  I am up early this morning sending off my wonderful husband to Las Vegas for a much deserved getaway with his cousins!  I am lovingly nicknaming this weekend Keith's Make-a-Wish trip!!  His cousins have really come through to making this weekend one Keith will not soon forget!  He is having an all expenses paid Big Kid vacation! I am so thankful he will get to have a time in which he does not have a care in the world!  He has held this house and family together over these past 11 months and I am so grateful for his families help to give him some time away!

The girls will keep me on my toes this weekend while Keith is gone BUT we are going to make it a fun girls weekend together!  We will spend some much needed time with my parents as we finish going through Grandma's final belongings.  I miss Grandma so much but as some of you know she has not been the grandma I knew for quite some time!  In her prime she was a feisty old lady who was best at telling everyone else what to do.... in these past few years that person has been disappearing and a frail woman who slowly lost the ability to remember appeared.  In the end, my mom gave me the best gift when at her last visit with grandma days before she went to heaven mom put the phone up to Grandma's ear and I was able to tell her I loved her.  Mom tells me her eyes responded to me which is comforting!  I know that on Monday we added another angel to heaven and Grandma can be at peace and in control again of her movements and actions!

I am physically recovering from an awful MUGA scan that took place on Monday morning.  In the past you may remember that I dread this test... it creeps me out the way they take blood out and then put it back in with radioactive markers mixed with it.  I also hate it for the fact that it is another time my veins are asked to work with an IV.  I went on Monday and should have walked out when I found out it was a different radiologist but I stuck it out.... and then I was stuck four times before they managed to get the IV in.  The radiologist had to get an ER nurse to get the final one that worked.  In the meantime I was so upset by this and not to mention I knew that Grandma had passed by now so I began to cry.  The tears just kept on flowing and would not stop.  If that nurse had not been so kind and was not able to get it I would have walked out without the test being completed!!  BUT we managed to get the meds in me and complete the test.  I am interested to see the results!!!  In the future I am asking for another option to have my heart checked!!!

It is allergy season for me and so I am having some reactions to the leaves falling and the changes in the weather but other than that I am feeling well.  It will be nice to get back to some normalcy!

Life really does keep going on!!

Goodbye Grandma Peck

I would have spent this time updating you on a weekend chopped full of events with the kids and family BUT one phone call early this morning changed that....

After many years of waiting and wondering how a body could hang on while the mind was leaving, my grandma was given the peace she so greatly deserved!  She is now in heaven with all her other family members and friends.  For the past four years she has been in and out of hospice as we waited for this day.  I may sound emotionless but it really has been that many years of grieving which brings me to the final stage of relief that the strong, bossy woman I knew my whole life is able to be that beautiful person again.  She has been trapped in a body for so many years that did not work.  She has been wheel chair bound for almost 20 years after her first major stroke.  She has lived in her nursing home for over 10 years.  I will and am missing her so much!!  She was the grandma that sewed all my doll clothes for me and she was the grandma that took care of me when I was horribly sick with the chicken pox at one years old.  I love this lady so much and will miss her forever!!  I am so blessed to have had her in my life for this long and I am even more blessed to have had her in my children's lives!!! 

So glad it is the weekend and I can relax after a week that was exhausting-- both emotionally and physically!

I have gotten my next appointment with Dr. Lu, my plastic surgeon to be able to talk about the next step.  I will be meeting with him on Nov. 2nd in the morning.  I am hoping to discuss all the options and a time-frame for all that will occur. 

It has also been a fun day because I found out a new connection to this being a small world... I just found out that one of the teachers I have known for the past 14 years and the secretary at Radiation have children who are married to each other (so they are the mother-in-laws).  These two women have been angels to me in different ways and it gave me goose bumps to find out that they have a connection to each other!!  It has been so much fun to find all the connections God has put on my journey!!  I am still in awe of all the twins that have been on this journey with me.  There have been twins in every office I have visited throughout this journey-- nurses with twin children, nurses/ techs who are a twin, and doctors who have twin children.  It is almost the way in which I know I am in the right place-- a little inside "joke" with God.

I am not sure I have shared this before and I know it might be a little TMI so feel free to stop reading..... One annoying thing about these new boobs is that since my muscles have been moved and are on top of the tissue expanders I am having muscle spasms.  All of a sudden my boobs will flex or jump.  I now have a new talent of being able to make my chest move when I concentrate on it.... aren't I lucky!?!?!?

Oh the hormone saga still goes on... I am waiting to see if the Tamoxifen has put me into Menopause again or if I will be at the mercy of this drug and how my body reacts.  I am doing better with the panic attacks which is a blessing because they are so draining!  I am so glad this medicine is available and will give me years to watch these girls grow up!!  They are amazing to me and I love to see them as they are changing each day!!

Radiation Graduation

Today was the last day I had to go to Radiation! I met with my Radialogy-Oncologist this afternoon and was given the great news that I do not have to go back for any check ups or visits at this office!!!! I was given a great farewell from all and was told to come and visit whenever but they all hoped that I never had to return to them again. Dr. Posner checked to make sure I was still going to all my other appointments and talked about life in general since we both deal with twins in our lives (his are exactly 1 year younger than mine). This was one of the best appointments I have had!!

I am now just enjoying this feeling of freedom that I found as I left this office! It feels like ..... Check: One more thing has been completed on my list of treatments.


Now it is off to dance for all the girls tonight and plan for Katelynn's Halloween party at school and keep up with life.

Thank you to everyone who is still keeping up with me even as I ramble on about some of the craziness in my life that goes beyond cancer... although it does not really have its own space in my life that is separate from all the other parts of my life.

I have had some sleep and have prayed a great deal about all I wrote about last night after attending a board meeting at my work.... I am realizing that I forgot to look at the positives that were present in those stressful moments.  I forgot to thank all the members of our staff who have worked so hard to fight for fair treatment!  I have forgot to embrace the entire staff that I call my Oak Grove Family who stood by me and even held me up when I wanted to fall apart!  Last night I was one of a large group of wonderful people!  I also have to realize that there were so many parents who were present who love us and are behind us as a group.  I have prayed a great deal and worked out all the shock and negativity to become proud this morning.  It is in the eye of the storm that we are able to walk out at the end and find the rainbow.  This is exactly how I feel this morning!  As I have done even with my biggest enemy --cancer-- I am sending the negative feelings and thoughts away while only allowing the positive things to stay with me.

AS I sent the girls off to school today I was reminded why I am here.  I am a caring and compassionate person who always wants to make everything better for others.

Reality hit again!  After months of everyone first shielding me from negativity to putting up my own boundaries against the evils of life, I was faced with an enormous amount of negativity tonight.  It was probably the most tense situation I have faced since the cancer diagnosis. 

I am a teacher.  I never wanted to work in the business world nor have I ever thought that I would be a millionaire by following this life long dream!  These times in this country are ugly for anyone trying to do the right thing in my profession.  I was faced with being watched by armed police officers at my place of work.  I am so disheartened tonight as I try to get the awful images out of my mind!  As a breathing human being who has spent 14 years of my life caring for other peoples children and spending more time with them than even their parents do on a daily basis, I would never in my wildest nightmares thought I would be enduring this environment.  I am thankful that my colleagues are as strong and loving as they are!  They have been so hard working to try and resolve this issue of our contract.  I am struggling because it slapped me square in the face when I let down my safety net and went to support my position.  I personally have to guard against this again in order to make sure that I stay healthy and keep healing.  I know that this will also be resolved in the future and I have to keep myself positive even in the face of all of these tense moments.

As far as our insurance change issue, I have been finding more and more info about this new insurance to the point that I realize all will work out.  I am just trying to make sure we go the least stressful route for all of it. 

I have my 6 week follow-up with my Radiology-Oncologist tomorrow.  I am looking forward to seeing all the people who I saw each day for those 25 treatments.  I am also hoping that all is OK with me since I do not have any residual problems from the radiation. 

I also have a MUGA scan again next Monday morning.  If you remember this is the heart monitoring test that I truly detest!  It is the one in which they take my blood and put in radioactive "stuff" to the blood and then put it back into me.  Then they monitor me on this interesting looking machine that I am strapped down to while it monitors.  I am praying that this test shows my heart is withstanding these treatments so that we can keep from getting cancer again. 

Love is amazing and it is the one thing that has allowed me to get the negative memories of tonight's board meeting go away.  The minute I picked up my girls from mom and dads I hugged them and remembered why I am going through this all!  I want to give them the life they deserve and that is why I will keep going on this path to get to the end result.

What an interesting Sunday!!  The morning was rough so I was not able to get to church as I had hoped.  It did allow Keith and I to talk about church and how important it was for the girls for us to get back to going to church regularly.  I miss worshiping in a church!  I was able to understand where Keith was on his journey to find out that he was still mad at God.... as a caregiver he has every right to be mad and it seems that God has taken the brunt of this for him.  He is willing to go to church and try to work out these feelings. Keith is such a complex person at times and I would have never known all of this without the frustration of the morning bringing this out to the front.

We were able to go to the Bonks for pumpkin carving and delicious food.  It was a gorgeous afternoon and we all enjoyed getting together.  The girls came home exhausted and were in bed early tonight. 

I am struggling emotionally tonight because work is so stressful right now since we are without a contract.  It is getting so nasty amongst the parties involved and I am finding myself struggling to keep the negativity away from me.  We are having to go through Federal mediation for negotiations which has never had to happen before.  I will never be wealthy but I would like to provide for my family.  Only time will tell!

I am working to calm myself and focus on my recovery.  There will be many decisions made over this week and I need to get ready for changes that are about to occur.

Treatment went well yesterday!!!  Alleluia!  Nurse Maria was able to get the IV in with only one stick!!!  Keith, of course brought his usual humor to the stressful situation and was trying to consult with Maria about which vein he would use.  They were able to keep my mind off the anxiety I was feeling which allowed me to relax.  She is just amazing!!!  Although this body had to make sure it was not that easy so the IV would not give the blood needed so she had to get that from the other arm with one more stick.    

As I look back on life I am amazed how humor has gotten us through so many hard times!  The negative energy goes away when laughter is in the air and I am proof that smiling is the best way to keep negative energy far away.  Kindness is contagious and I am always amazed at all the things that come from being kind.  

In talking with Dr. Chung it looks like all is going well with my recovery and now the new phase in the treatment.  I am having to go back to have another MUGA scan which is one of those tests I dread!!!  BUT it will be good to make sure this medicine is not hurting my heart.  I am doing well on my new meds and will hope all keeps going well.

We did find out some unwanted news from Carmax...  they are switching insurance companies as of Jan. 1.  We will no longer have Blue Cross and Blue Shields and will not have Atena.  This is making us re-look at our plans for reconstruction and may work with Dr. Lu to see if it can be done before the change.... More to come on this topic!

Will I ever stop worrying that I have a new cancer???  (I know the answer but this is the question that is running through my head all the time now.)

I was lying on the couch after finally getting everyone to bed... after a typically crazy day of getting kids ready for the day, working, napping, taxiing kids to activities, breaking up fights, dealing with crabbiness, and finally feeding the children as well as get them ready to go to bed.  WOW!! No wonder I am so tired!  I guess I earned the nap and the relaxing this evening.  :)

... as I was lying on the couch I had a pain in my head nagging me so I began to wonder if this is a brain tumor.  Then I had a little twinge of pain (or what could be just some feeling coming back after surgery) near the area of the underarm in which they removed the lymph nodes during surgery.  I had a pain in my spine earlier in the day and my thoughts went straight to cancer.  OH how that day in November last year changed all my thoughts!!!  There is no enemy I detest more than cancer!!  

I do find myself praying more often when these fears creep into my thoughts!  I know that if I give my worries to prayer I will find peace of mind.  I want to live life in a positive way and not be in fear at every moment!  This will be what I work on now.  

There have been some great improvements in my emotions and in my daily activities!!  The meds that we increased to aide in settling down the panic attacks that were occurring after I began Tamoxifen.  I am also finding myself being able to do a little more each day as my energy level seems to be increasing gradually.  These are some of the wonderful things I am thankful for today!

This past weekend I went camping with my family.  We were at Jellystone up in Wisconsin with many friends.  It was a nice time but I did have some trouble with sleeping and with achy bones.  It was wonderful to watch the girls have a fantastic time with friends and enjoying Halloween fun at the campground.  By Monday I was more exhausted than I remember being in a long time!  I came home, showered and then spent the day in bed trying to feel better.  I am now recovered today!!

This is a treatment week so I will be going back to the Oncology office so they can give my Herceptin.  Please pray that the IV can go in with less stress than last time!  I am praying my veins miraculously strengthen and pop up for the nurses!  I will be so relieved when the treatment is over!!!

I read a fantastic saying this weekend:  "Happiness is beautiful!"  I realized that so many commented at how I was glowing throughout last year and when I smile.  I see now that my consistent happiness even through the toughest times really did bring out the beauty in me.  I am so proud of the way I have fought this battle!  

Lessons to learn...

Dear God,
Why do I let my worries consume me and feel that I have to find the answers all by myself?  Why have I not learned that there is always an answer when I ask for help?  When am I going to learn????


...This is how I am feeling right now after a dear friend (and a chosen sister) insisted to help me today!  My friends have done so much for me over these past 10 months and even before that!  And they are still coming through for me in my weakest hours!!!  Kim and Wendi are who I am speaking of today but there are others that I could talk about by just changing their names!  Kim took the twins on Friday afterschool for us so that Keith could have all our trees cut down (NO we are not reenacting the Mr. T incident- but rather getting rid of the weeds known as Cottonwood trees!).  This was a huge help since I did not want the girls to get in the way of all the cutting and mess.  Then after school I was able to pick up the older two and we met Wendi and her boys over at Kim's.  These friends were able to make a Friday fun and end with laughter and togetherness!  It was a great day!

Yesterday (Saturday) we went to the anticipated Ms. Laura and Ms. Carolyn Halloween bash!!  The girls looked adorable and there was so much fun to be had!  It was a blast for everyone BUT mommy's body was done before anyone else was ready to go.  It got cold and by the time we were leaving there was not a part on my body that did not ache.  Keith was great and helped me get into a hot shower to relax and found my comfiest pjs to wear.  I settled into the couch for a night of TV and resting with the girls.  It was adorable because at one point the twins were asleep on either side of the couch while Keith and I were in the middle of them and Katelynn was on the floor lounging and watching Funniest Home Videos.  All was right in our world- except for my pain.  I went to bed and slept on and off all night.

This morning I woke up to a body that was not working well.  It was the day we were planning to go apple picking and Keith was renting the chipper to get rid of these branches.  We had a full plate BUT I was not able to do any of it.  The girls were so disappointed that we had to cancel going apple picking.  I was so guilt ridden that I was the one making it all not possible. Then Wendi calls and will not take "No" for an answer.  They were going apple picking still and they wanted to take the girls with.  I was worried this was too much to  ask BUT Wendi would not hear of it!  So Katelynn and Sarah are on their way to the Orchard with their friends while Lindsey and Keith are off to get the chipper and work all day together.  I am just about the luckiest person I know!!!  The love of all of you is amazing and I really would not be here right now without it!

... If I could learn my lesson I would have less stress and guilt built up in me!  I have learned so many lessons but there are still so many I need to remind myself of each day!  I guess that is what life is all about!  We are constantly learning and growing no matter our age!  I just have to trust and ask for help so that the enjoyment of life increases for me!