Oh What a Day!!!

I was going along with my new routine of waking up VERY early, getting ready, and getting to work so I can get my day off to the right start.  I even had a team meeting and made it through that fine.  My students came in and I began my day.....

Then as we were putting the homework up on the board to discuss the answers I began to have a hot flash (A wave of heat came up me and I began to sweat horribly) and then I began to have a TERRIBLE pain in my lower abdomen to the point I wanted to curl up in the fetal position.  I hurt when sitting and standing.  Luckily I have another teacher in the room with me so I asked her to take over (Thank you Katie!!!) and I went up to the nurses office (YES, teachers can use the nurses office as well... Katelynn was amazed!).  I must have looked awful because the office ladies scrambled to call the nurse and get her back to this end of the building.  She checked all my vitals which were rather normal.  We talked about all possibilities.  We discussed which doctor I should go to ....There is a problem when you have so many you are dealing with and it really overlaps a few of them.  I am hoping to have an appointment with Dr. Jason so we can talk about this issue. 

My mom came to get me and we decided to go to my Oncology Physical therapist since I was already supposed to see her later on today.  Robin was so helpful!  She was able to see me right away and as she pushed on my abdomen she felt it was a possible hernia.  I also confessed that I had been overdoing for about 5 days with lifting and just plain moving around.  I got the pep talk that I need to remember I am still healing from the surgeries and it may take a year to get back to "Normal." 

I will be going to see all the doctors in the upcoming weeks to make sure I cover all my bases.  I do feel better now that I have taken 2 cat naps today and stayed off my feet as long as I was able to. 

I had so many angels on my side today and I cannot thank them enough for helping me!  I am so blessed!  I hated leaving the kids and just throwing together a plan for them but I knew I would be useless to them if I stayed.  I will take it easy and ask for more help now since I do not want this to repeat!!!

Life now...

I think back to November of 2010 and am in awe of how life has changed for mostly the GOOD!!!

I have finished with all my chemo treatments and are now finding out what life is like NOT going to the Oncology office every three weeks... although it has not hit me quite yet.

I am healing and getting stronger each day from all the surgeries this summer.  The reconstruction was rocky but I am seeing how worth while it is now!  I am still not able to lift a great deal or do any hard, heavy moving of things.  BUT my energy is increasing each day and I am finding my way through the adjustment of working full time.  It has been exhausting and exhilarating to be back teaching Junior High Math again!  It has been 10 years since the last time I was teaching 7th grade and I am finding it to be like riding a bike.  I am a little wobbly on the specific changes in procedures but for the most part it is all so familiar!  The students are amazing and the parents have been wonderful so far.  I love my team and we have really bonded well which can only make the year better!

Living "Caner Free" has been amazing!  I am able to keep living and enjoy every moment of it!  The lessons have been learned and I will not go back to the life in which I let things pass me by.

It is the night before....

Herceptin- THE LAST ONE!!!!

Staples are removed from last weeks wounds clean up surgery.

The last drain comes out!!!!

I am home alone enjoying a quiet night to prepare for a BIG day tomorrow!  I will be in Libertyville and Skokie between the morning and early afternoon.  I will see both Dr. Chung and Dr. Lu which will be great!

Today was a GREAT day for the girls and I!!!  We had a shopping day together and were out from 9 AM to 1:44 PM.  I was so proud of myself that I was able to have a "normal" outing with the girls even though the staples are pretty painful at the moment!  I have a great deal of skin pulling and maybe even a little pocket of fluid that needs to be pulled out.  We went to two separate and the Mall as well as Tsukasa for lunch.  The chef was one of the best we have had there... he worked well with both the four engineers out to lunch as well as the three girls and myself.  We all laughed and had a fantastic time with wonderful memories!

I am seeing that life will become normal again!  I do see that my energy level will return in time and it is feeling so good to look forward to ALL the new adventures to come in the next few weeks!  School is going to be fun for all this year!

Wound surgery over

Surgery was on Wednesday afternoon at Lake Forest Hospital.  I had an angel for a nurse who found a vein on the first try.  It was a small one in my hand but it worked for the time it needed to work.  The nurses and doctors were all wonderful and took good care of me!  

Recovery was a rough time!  I had a reaction to the pain meds and my vitals went all crazy but once I got cooled down and it went through my system I was much better.  I was one of those patients that had multiple nurses come around me to help figure out how to get my vitals back to normal... no coding but worried faces at times.  Although to me it was like the worst hot flash I have ever had!

I was so glad when they let me get out of the bed and into a chair.  They gave me water and crackers... I was even happier to be in the car and be on my way home!!!

Mom had the girls for us over night so Nurse Keith only had to deal with the drugged up Lynn who needed help getting the recliner down at all hours of the night/ morning.  My home health care nurse, Angie called and came over to check in with me.  It was so reassuring to have her check the stitches and she was happy to see all Dr. Lu did to close me up... "Oh he used staples too!"  Angie has been so helpful to get through this wound time!  She will be missed once she is done checking in with me next week!

It is Friday and I am feeling better!  There is one part of my stomach that is being pulled and keeping me in pain... But once it calms down and starts to feel more normal I know I will move much easier.  I cannot wait to get off the pain meds so I can get back to driving and be ready to meet the needs of the girls again!  It is hard to be a mom on the sidelines!  

I was able to feel peace throughout this whole ordeal and know that it comes from all the prayers!  Thank you for all your support!

The Day Before Surgery...

Oh it would not b the day before surgery for me without some kind of crisis!!! Storms rolled through and the power went out this morning at 6AM. It is lunchtime and we still do not have power and have no idea when we will get it back.... last summer we were out for over a week and I am not looking forward to losing all the food I have all over again!! Last month when I was getting ready for surgery we had the dishwasher die on us and we replaced it the day before I went into surgery. Life is never boring BUT the way I deal with these things have definitely changed with this journey! I wasted so much of life worrying and being so anxious or even mad about things I have no control over... it only took cancer to learn to roll with all that is thrown my way. I even kind of make it a game of "Let's see how this will end up."

Getting ready for this surgery has been a game of changing the way I approach it... The memory of the previous surgery is one that I am not so fond of right now!! Those 10 hours under anesthesia really took a toll on the WHOLE me! SO now I am trying to think of this one as if I were going in for a root canal rather than a surgery. I cannot tell you how good it will be if this works because I am so tired of having to have these open wounds packed with gauze and then spend the rest of the day trying to keep my clothes dry from all the fluid that comes out... We have become good about making other things help in this area!

The girls are such troopers and I am proud to say that their routine has not been too altered by all these surgeries! They are in Vacation Bible School this week which is helping them not to really think about me going to surgery again! Only one of the twins is having some anxiety about me having another surgery.... She hugs me all the time and tells me she does not want me to have surgery again! She is really why I have come up with the Root canal analogy because she understands the dentist can be a little painful but it is over quickly. This has seemed to reassure her and has even helped me!

I look forward to the day all of this is past me and I can see all I had to go through to be where I will be! Life is a precious thing to me and I love living it everyday! I am just looking for the chance to not worry if I have energy enough for everything!!!

In 12 hours I will be in surgery and hopefully on my way to a FULL recovery!!

This afternoon I answered the phone as it was ringing and was pleasantly surprised to find out that the surgery date was set!  I will be going back into surgery next Wednesday (25th) afternoon to clean out the wounds and re-sew them all back up.  It is coming at a tough time schedule-wise for the kids activities but I know all will go as it should.

I am finding peace with all of this after the exciting day I have had.  I was able to drive to pick up the kids from camp today and even took them to the grocery store to get some fruit and veggies.  The freedom I felt in doing these two rather "normal" things was amazing!  I even made dinner tonight which has not happened in ever a month!  Keith welcomed me back to reality as the kids all complained about how they did not want to eat dinner (spaghetti and meat sauce)... one needed noodles with butter, another needed sauce without meat, and the biggest wasn't sure but tried a little bite before finishing the small helping and asking for more.  Mom is back but I have to take the reins back soon!

Life looks so good and I am excited to be back in the game again!  I know I will gain my strength back before surgery so I can come back from this as quick as possible!

The Roller Coaster is in full gear!

It has been quite a day and we have had so many decisions to make with still some uncertainty!  

Keith and I saw Dr. Lu after dealing with these wounds for 2 weeks at home.  There is some good healing but it will take about 6 more weeks to completely heal this way.  We talked about a wound vac and that would help to decrease the time it will take to heal about a week or two.  But the way that will get me to the end the quickest would be going back for minor surgery so he can clean out the area and re-stitch the area again.  After many questions and a great deal of discussion we came to the decision that surgery is the way we wanted to go.  It looks like I will go in for the surgery next week... now I am at the mercy of the OR schedule.  We will see!

I am feeling more and more human each day!  We are finding ways to help to get around comfortably and I can even begin to drive again which will be so cool!  I have been up all day today with only two times putting my feet up to let my back calm down.  I am finding the light at the end of the tunnel after having a few weeks I never thought it would show up again!  This has been one of the toughest things I have faced and boy did it kick me down!

Who knows what is to come tomorrow but I am enjoying today!

Wounds

I am dealing with so many wounds that have to heal with time and I am so impatient!

The two wounds on the right inner thigh are taking their own sweet time to close up.  One is doing better than the other, and the nurse is thinking the doctor is going to have to clean out the worse one.  Dr. Lu said that was a possibility I would have to go back to the OR for an out-patient procedure.  I had such a horrible experience with the Anesthesiologist I am terrified!  I know it sounds so childish but the experience was truly the worse I have had to endure... I was yelled at for having such bad veins by this doctor and scolded for not having something done before that morning.  I truly still have nightmares because my last thought before surgery was she was going to kill me in the OR since she hated me so much!

One other "wound is the heartbreak I am still working through with the loss of my Grandma!  I know I am so blessed to have had her in my life for so long and even more blessed that my children were able to have her in their lives.  BUT it does not make me miss her less!  I am so proud of myself for being able to have had the strength and courage to go up and share the memories and lessons she taught us all!  The services were AWESOME with more than 500 people coming through the wake and packing the church full for the funeral.  My children are amazing to me because death has been so much a part of their young lives starting with the loss of our dear Katie Beth a few years ago as well as the death of my other Grandma last year.  Sarah was so sweet!  She would walk past the casket and Grandma and say "Hi Gram!" & "Love you Grandma!" Then when we were leaving the wake for the night Sarah could not leave until she said "goodnight" and "Goodbye Grandma."  Katelynn struggled so much throughout the funeral!  She was the closest to Grandma and had her for the longest amount of time.  She was Grandma's first great-grandchild so she got the best of Grandma when she was still healthy and living a full life.  Lindsey did well even though there was a great deal of still time and the funeral was a tough but she did it! Before we could leave for home on the day of the funeral the girls asked to return to the cemetery to check on Grandma and we saw that they were able to get her in the ground and cover her with dirt.  They began to plan our next trip down when we are going to go to the Peotone cemetery and then to the Wilton Center Cemetery to be able to see both grandma's then to the farm to visit Great Grandpa.  These girls are amazing!... They are also planning Grandma's Angel day for next July.

I am so blessed for so many reasons and I am slowly coming out of this deep dark place I went to throughout this recovery period!  I am having to ask for so much help and this really is not what I know how to do!  I help others!  Please pray these wounds heal up and that God gives me the strength to deal with all that is going on in my life!

Thank you for all your help and support!

Good-bye Grandma!

At the services for my Grandma I was able to get up and share the following passages with the packed church of family and friends:

When I think of my Grandma Moore I think of a lady who embodied the lessons Jesus taught us about loving each other, caring for our family, and living a true Christian life.  She taught us all how to give without ever thinking about receiving. 

Shirley was the ultimate Grandma!  She was the happiest when she had a baby in her arms.  I look at all of our pictures and see that true twinkle in her eyes when that little bundle lay peacefully in her arms and know that I am looking at unconditional love!  She also loved to be the ultimate spoiler of the grand children and great grandchildren.  She made sure to be the first to give a baby the taste of pure sugar in the form of ice cream or even Tiramisu in the case of her first great Grandchild… who to this day cannot pass up the chance to eat this delicious dessert. 

My cousins and I are all blessed to have had the best Grandma who would NEVER say NO.  We could ask her for cookies, we could ask her to look at old photos, we could even ask to put on her wedding dress and each time we were given the answer of YES.  Although the SOX and Cardinals fans were allowed in the family circle, they were always reminded of her loyalty to the CUBs would not change… Even when ornaments of these championship teams secretly found a place on her Christmas tree.  Grandma loved us all regardless of any disagreements where we did not see eye to eye.

Grandma was a connector.  She kept an enormous network of family linked together.  She not only had 6 children of her own as well as each of their spouses but also 17 grandchildren and 18 great grand-children and counting.  Beyond this immediate family she was so close to her own siblings and their families.

The things I will forever be thankful for are the lessons grandma instilled in all who were willing to listen.  She always wanted us to play nice and not be mad at anyone.  She made sure we knew that family had to come first! But her ultimate lesson was about the expression of love:

“If you love someone, tell him or her.  Forget about the rules or the fear of looking ridiculous.  What is truly ridiculous is passing up on the opportunity to tell someone that your heart is invested in him or her.”

I end with a poem that I found on the day she died which has carried me to this moment because it speaks all the feelings I felt on that day!

Grandma,

With the gift of years

Comes the treasure of knowing

That there are many who love you dearly.

The memories you’ve made with us

Will last forever.

The tenderness you’ve shared with us

will never fade.

The most wonderful gift you could ever give

Is the special part of you

That now lives in each of us.

And the truth your love has taught us

Can only be strengthened

by the gift of time… 

For where the roots grow deep,

Memories grow

Forever. 

I love you Grandma!

Life changes in an instant!

There have been many life changing events in my life over these past two weeks.  Starting with all my drains being removed, finding two wounds that we are praying will heal, and then losing my Grandmother (dad's mom) on July 4th.  

All of these things came with ups and downs for me.  I was so happy to lose all the drains in just over 2 weeks out of surgery.  It is still a concern that I could accumulate some pockets of fluid but we know they can deal with that in the office if it happens. The wounds were my biggest emotional hurdle to overcome.  I was absolutely terrified when Dr. Lu checked these two spots in the office and started to explain that there were two ways to deal with them.  One way was to go back into the OR and have him clean the areas up and re-stitch it all up.  The preferred choice for him was to have us take care of the two areas to help them heal on their own.  Nurse Keith (It really has gone to his head that he can do all these new medical things for me!) has to clean the area each morning and pack it with saline soaked gauze.  We are so blessed to have a Home Health care nurse come out twice a week and so now she will be helping us work with these wounds to keep a close eye on them.  

The toughest event of the week is the loss of my grandma!  Receiving the call from my dad telling me that Grandma was in her last hours of life was so heart-breaking!  I had not been able to get down to see her for over a month because of the many events of the end of the school year and the surgery.  She had called me the day before surgery and left a wonderful message but we had not had a chance to talk since.  I have no doubt she knew I loved her but I did not get to tell her these words which was what I struggled with the most!  I am thankful she is at peace and does not have to endure anymore hospital stays, kidney dialysis, pain, heart problems, or anything else she had to deal with these past few years.  My grandma was an amazing lady who I have had 37 years with to learn about unconditional love and the power of the family circle.  She kept us all connected and that is a small miracle since there were 6 of her children with 4 of them having spouses, 17 grandchildren with 10 spouses and 18 great-grandchildren with one more on the way.  She showed us all how love made everything better!

I am finding a way to move more and more each day... Keith even had me walk all through Mariano's (my favorite grocery store in Libertyville/ Vernon Hills) this week which was a tough challenge as I was still unable to stand up straight BUT I did it and felt like I had finally crossed one finish line with many more to come!

It will be a tough weekend and beginning of the week as we will have the wake and the funeral but I hope to help make it a celebration of one of the most amazing ladies I have ever met!  It has been hard on the girls but they have had so many losses in their young lives I know they will do well in this experience as well.

Prayers for strength and healing are much appreciated!

No LASTS today!

Nothing went right today-- in my mind!

I should have known it would be a hard day for me when I woke up and felt rather anxious and almost sick to my stomach.  I was concerned about the PIC line we left in to try and have the Herceptin treatment put in without having to get an IV in.  It has been such a pain in my butt to keep it dry in the shower and it is located in a horrible spot because I drag it my food at times. 

So I moved rather slow and made us late to leave to drop girls at Kim's house.  All got to where they needed and we got to Libertyville in good time. 

At the doctors office I just keep feeling like I should turn around and run-- none of my favorite nurses were in the office at the moment and it just kept going down hill!!!  No PIC line, No Veins, and tears falling because I was so disappointed!  We gave up after 3 tries and no luck. I went in to see the doctor and that was the best and worst part-- Dr. Chung agreed this body needed one week to get back from surgery and so we would post-pone the treatment for a week.  Then she casually mentions she wants me to actually have two more treatments to ensure I have a full year of the meds.  At the end of July I should be done.... but I am waiting as seeing mode!

I can feel that there are great reasons this is all happening but while I sit here in the moment I am so sad and mad all at the same time! 

I realize my TRAM flap Breast Reconstructive surgery is missing from this blog... this one was a doozy!  It was rather overwhelming for all of us at the time of it all!

On Friday, June 15th I went into Lake Forest Hospital at 6 AM.  I was met by a stressed nurse and then terrified by a ranting Anesthesiologist who was pissed at me for having horrible veins..... Oh the tears flowed!!!  I must say though the tears stopped everyone from being in a negative way and even brought on an apology from the mean doctor.... I really thought about running out of there!  Each time a vein was massacred my anxiety rose to the roof!  A PIC line was decidedly the best way to go so they called for the nurse in charge of putting these in and she was up in a matter of minutes.  This was another experience that I had never had and hope I never need it again!  I was spread out like I was on the cross...I watched as she ultrasounded my veins and arteries to find the best placement.  I do not have very many options so she took the best one she could.  There were three nurses working on me and I was finally calming down. It went in successfully and they must have given me some beautiful cocktail to send me into a happy place.  The only regret I have is that I really did not say good bye to Keith before I went to surgery because he was kicked out for the PIC line.  ...But God saw to it that I came out of this one OK and I would see Keith in my ICU room.  

The ICU... a place I had never been and one I barely remember!  I do have two angels I met there, Nurse Sarah and CNA Heather.  The room did not have air conditioning that was working and no one would bring up a fan....I did feel at one time that I was going to start to boil.  I did not open my eyes much while in ICU because the morphine kept me pretty much asleep or dizzy.  The girls are such pros at the hospital and nursing homes that they visited me in all my different hospital rooms and were for the most part just fine.... Katelynn knew I wanted to hear all about what was going on with them, Lindsey wanted to be near me and hug away my pain, and Sarah stayed a little way away and looked at everything asking the occasional question of what this is doing to mommy?

Once I was in the regular hospital room, things began to move quicker.  I was no longer any lying around... Nurse Laurie was my drill sargent (but the kindest one I know!) and CNA Diane was a true angel for so many reasons!  I was also blessed to have Kellie who was being trained by Diane so I enjoyed both of them each day shift.  by my first full day in my room I was taken out the catheter and began to get out of bed.  It was a rough day on Monday when I wanted to give up and throw in the towel.  It is so much work to come back from this reconstructive surgery!!!  

By Wednesday I was given the best gift---- a SHOWER!!! Then I was able to have another on Thursday before I was discharged!  Water is truly my heaven on Earth!  I was ready to go home!!  Dr. Lu agreed on Thursday to let me go home and I cannot tell you how happy I was to hear those words!!  I was in the hospital for nearly 7 days... cannot wait to get that bill!  

Home was awesome but scary as well!  Things would hurt or I would not be able to move well and get nervous it was too early to get home.  But now it has been 5 days and I am walking slowly but more confidently and I am even able to shower without any help although I do not turn down help since it will lessen the energy I lose.  I eat one meal a day that the kitchen table and will be up to at least two.  I sat at a small table today and went through all the bills and mail that piled up.  

Each day gets better!  Each night gets easier! I am looking forward to losing all my drains and finding a way to make my abdominal muscles to work together better!  Thank you for everyones support and prayers!

I am not taking walking for granted anymore!  

I have accomplished so much these past five days!  BUT they are baby steps!  I am walking a little easier from the couch recliner to the bath room.  I am able to do the stairs in the house as long as it is once a day.  I am able to eat one meal at the kitchen table.  

..... I still have so much to still do!

God has been blessing us with so many wonderful gifts!  The ladies of the church have kept us well fed with both delicious and nutritious!  My cousin Amy was in from Guatamala where she is a missionary and we were able to have a visit that was so meaningful to me it truly uplifted my spirits and filled me with so much joy!  My girls are working on coming back to the responsible little girls I had raised them-- they got very used to all the spoiling! 

The day before Tram flap Surgery

As I am facing my last reconstruction surgery I am finding it an emotional roller coaster!  I was able to find some peace as I wrote this poem to share my feelings...

Cancer, I put you out of my every thought.

Cancer, I give you no more power over me!

Cancer, I say good bye to you with this surgery!

Cancer, I take only the good lessons with me.

You have taught me so much through the thought of my loss.

You taught me to love openly.

You have taught me to thank for all.

You have taught me to live like I have no more time.

You have taught me to take nothing for granted.

You have taught me I am strong

But vulnerable all at the same time.

I take with me all the angels in my life.

I take with me all the love I have been given.

I take with me all the care I have been shown. 

I take with me the power I have grown.

I take with me God’s love that held me up

When I wanted to fall.

I take with me every lesson I have learned.

I take with me the new, real me!

I move forward with strength!

I move forward with valor!

I move forward with the love of life!

I move forward to live!

I move forward to help others!

Really?!?!?!

Two days until surgery and so many things are going "wrong!"

Last night the dishwasher decided to die!  I could not figure out why I ran the same dishes two times and they were coated with powder and still dirty!  So then this morning Keith, the twins and I ran around trying to find one in stock.... Thank God for HH Greg!!!  We are going there for all necessary things in the future!!  The price was better than the other 3 places we tried (Sears, Home Depot and Best Buy) and they stock them in the store warehouse which is fantastic when you are desperate to get a HUGE amount of dirty dishes clean!!! I could not have gone into surgery without having those clean!!!

The laundry has overflown and I will be spending the next 48 hours trying to get it all done!!!

Today is our 14th Wedding anniversary!  It was such an awesome day of my life and I love looking back at the pictures to see one of our happiest days!  Keith is such a great partner!  I love him more today than ever!!  We have to postpone our dinner together until tomorrow night since he spent many of the hours he should have been sleeping to install the new dishwasher.  I cannot believe how blessed we are that he is so handy!  It makes for major household emergencies to become less stressful and much easier to be solved.  I do feel like the luckiest woman in the world for so many reasons!

I was so anxious about the surgery last week and now I am finding such a beautiful peace about the day that life will change!  I had PT yesterday and we went over so many different movements I will need to do and how to best do them after this surgery.  Jayne is my PT and she is one of my angels!  What helps me have peace is knowing she will be there after surgery to make sure I am progressing.  I cannot wait to see my "new" body.  This will be my silver lining for cancer!

Thank you to all for supporting us and helping us in so many ways!  I am one of the luckiest people in the world!

Life is never dull!

Panic attacks are taking over this body!  Cancer is a word that makes me think of true evil!! 

Cancer has been enveloping so many people around me lately I truly thought I was going to be swallowed up in sorrow when I heard about one of my cousins who is now having to go down this path!!  I did not have any sisters growing up but I had so many cousins who were just like sisters to me!  This is my oldest cousin who is the most recent diagnosed.  I know she will get through this because she is so strong!  I wanted to be the one to take it for the team and not have any one else in my family have to go through this!!  The second thought I had was how hard it is to be a mom and have cancer!!!  The kids are the ones who are constantly on your mind... I even remember thinking I should not go to the ER because it would cost money that needed to be used to pay for something the girls needed!!  It is not easy for moms to put themselves first (Most moms)!!!

I am struggling with "break through panic attacks" which basically means my body is over-reacting to my anxiety and is making me feel like I am in a continuous panic attack.  The break through comes from the fact that I am on meds to try and stop these.  I realize I do have some anxiety with the upcoming surgery but I really did not expect to be dealing with this like it is happening... I had an attack begin at about 9 am while driving in the car over to my school to do a few things and it kept happening on and off through lunch with Keith.  The feeling I get is an overwhelming fluttering of my heart and even a warm feeling in my chest.  I also do have a kind of worrying feeling from my head to my stomach.  The number one worst feeling is the need to cry for no reason!!!  It is also hard to think straight because all these other things going on are distracting!  I do feel like it is over for now but when I was in the oncology office I did ask about upping my meds until after the surgery which I was OKed to do if I needed. 

My 16th Herceptin treatment was today (17 total so next time is the last one!!!).  It was a terrible day for my veins!  They did not cooperate and it took 5 sticks... OH and I had my first vein blow out when they were putting in the saline--- I do not wish that on my worst enemy!!!  I am so sore still and it was hours ago!  I was needing to ask a few pre-op questions which all got answered so that was good!  The nurses are all wonderful and I do not blame them for the problems today!  I just have the worst veins to get an IV in and I have no idea what miracle will be done to have one put in for the surgery coming up BUT I do know they will find a way!

I am doing rather well after Herceptin because Keith got me home quickly and I was able to lay down and fall asleep for a few hours.  I am totally exhausted and am on the couch for the night BUT my head does not feel as fuzzy as it has in the past.  Tonight I am the luckiest mom-- Katelynn is off camping with dear friends of ours and the twins are set up in the same room as I am in sleeping bags ready for a campout of their own!  Daddy had a wonderful idea to help me get through the night without a lot of trouble... even the American girl dolls are sleeping in their tent my mom got the girls!  :)

I am blessed and know that all I am going through is making me stronger!  I will walk away from this surgery with a "do-over" chance to get healthy and fit.  I am planning to take advantage of the change in my body to spark me into a more physical life in which I respect the whole me! 

I am in the midst of praying for all the new babies in our life: Brianna Grace, Addison Lynn, and the many that have not yet been born but who are absolute miracles to those being blessed with them.  I am also praying for those who have been recently diagnosed with cancer and those who have lived with the diagnosis for years.  Thank you for all of your prayers for me!

Herceptin is tomorrow (instead of Friday).. and it is the next to last one!!!  I will have one more on June 29th and that will be the end of these treatments!!!  I have MADE IT!

I have dealt with many medical professionals this week and am looking forward to focusing on having some fun living for the next 6 days after this treatment and before the surgery! 

Yesterday was the zoo with all three girls and mommy.  I took the girls to the zoo by myself and had so many fun memories from it!  We saw all our favorite animals and we did a great deal of people watching (it was a packed house full of buses!).  The girls ended the trip with a Carousel ride after which Sarah had the quote of the day:  "That seahorse gave me a wedgie!!!!  It's shell was skinny!"  It was a great day and one I am glad I was brave enough to accomplish on my own!

New days to come and new fun to be had!

I met an angel at Walmart

Have you ever had an experience when you knew that something bigger just happened to you??? 

Today was an exceptionally overwhelming day of phone calls to hospital nurses and case managers at the Insurance company, doctors appointments for Pre-Operation appointments, and scheduling all the activities needed to get the girls through the surgery week as well as the rest of the summer.  Needless to say I was pretty anxious and nearly exhausted by the time I was driving home from the last appointment down in Skokie.  I decided to stop at Walmart to pick up some good picnic food for the girls and I to go to the zoo with tomorrow.  As I was checking out with a cart load of junk food and other household things, I began to converse with the employee checking me out.  Her name was Judy and she was such a lovely person!  I donated to the Children's charity which changed the subject to my own diagnosis.  She shared a wonderful story of a friend who had major medical issues and how she defeated all odds to prove the doctors wrong!  As we said our good-byes she took the time to tell me that she knew I would also defeat this cancer and have a wonderful life ahead of me... she may have been a stranger but she said everything I needed to hear at a rather crucial moment!!!  THis leaves me to ask... God, did you send me this angel to let me know I could let go all of my fears?  God, did you send this message to me so I could find peace before this major surgery and life changing moment of being done with treatments?  A beautiful calming came over me and was uplifted again!  I decided to go over to the Family Christian Book store at that moment.  I have been wanting to pick up a few books to read while I am recovering for a few weeks but have not made the time.  I was enjoying looking through all the various sections (without the distractions and complaints when I take the girls with me) and as I was checking out the two ladies said a prayer for me once they knew why I was buying the various books.  I have been so blessed today by complete strangers!  God works in mysterious ways!!

My doctors appointments went well.  I met with Dr. Jason to do a pre-op appointment.  He did find that my thyroid looks a little abnormal when I swallow so we will be watching that... not really needing any new diagnosis at the moment.  He okayed me for surgery and is sending out the report needed.  A few hours later I was off to Skokie to meet up with Dr. Lu.  This appointment was filled with information about all to expect after surgery.  I am so blessed to have such a fantastic set of doctors taking care of me!  this appointment went so well and I am so thankful Dr. Lu is tkaing care of me!  I could not ask for a more caring or kind group of medical people on my team!!

I have had some high stress days this past week and I am looking forward to some fun ones ahead of me!  I am trying to take the girls to the zoo this week as well as to the beach or other places around home.  I will be trying to cram lots of activities into a short amount of time since I know that after June 15th I will not be doing much of anything but sitting around the house. 

I will forever be looking for those angels who are everywhere!!!  Thank God for little miracles and messages!

Ups and downs...

Today is a day of mixed emotions!  

We received tough news last night that a dear friend of ours has lost her mother.  This amazing woman battled cancer and fought such a tough fight until the end.  She was a sweet woman who had many parallels to my own life:  she was a mother to many, she had a strong marriage, she was a teacher, and she was so caring to all!  It hurts me to think of my friend having to go through life without her mother physically here with her. BUT as I have said in the past:  There is a new angel in heaven to watch over those she loved.  May God bless the whole family and help them to find peace in the new way of life.

We also got good news about our friends who are down in Florida with their daughter they are adopting.  Brianna was born to a young mother who had been trying to get off drugs while she was pregnant.  Unfortunately the baby was affected and is having to go through with drawls. I am feeling rather connected to this family since the new mommy, Tracey was diagnosed with Breast Cancer only a few months after I was and we were in Junior High and High School together.  Keith has even gone to school since Grade school with her.  We were able to cheer each other on throughout our journeys and now to know that she has been able to make her dream of being a mom come true is so amazing to me!!! I can only wish the entire family all the happiness and enjoyment in life with children!  

I am also finally feeling better!  The unbelievable pain has subsided and I am able to accomplish some of my To-Do-List that I have for myself before surgery.  It is a good day for me!

Please pray for all to find the peace they need!

Pain is still one of those bad four letter words in my life!  I am having one of the worst days since last year at the end of the MEGA chemo treatments.  I am do not know what is the cause of this pain entirely but I do know that it is so bad it is driving be crazy!!  I tried to ignore it this morning hoping it would go away BUT then it just got worse.  I ache from my hips down to my toes.  This could be from all the packing and moving I have been doing at work or the PT I had this week on Monday and Thursday or even just from overdoing in general.  All I know is that nothing seems to be helping so I am up.

I am on my count down to surgery... 18 days and counting!  June 15th is the day of the NEW Lynn!  This will be the final Breast Reconstruction surgery.  I will come out of this surgery a new woman and as soon as I recover from it all I will be able to say I am cancer free and move on with life without any treatments or multiple visits to doctors offices in a month.  I will LIVE again as a healthy woman who does not have to be defined by having breast cancer  but rather I will be a SURVIVOR and so proud of it!  

I was at church tonight (we went to our contemporary service for the first time) and felt so uplift by all the music and the message.  I am in such a fantastic place spiritually and I am so proud to be able to declare that because there have been times this was not the case!  

I am also blessed with such fantastic support system!  You all make this journey so much easier for me!  I will be forever thankful for each and every person who has walked with me through this journey!  I would not have made it through without each of you.  

I am finding myself coming to the end of one chapter of my life at work and realizing how much I am looking forward to the new challenge that lies ahead of me at work next school year!  I am moving to 6th grade math and am so very excited!  The first four years of teaching I began in Junior High and now to be returning to this is so fantastic!  I cannot wait to share my love of math and teaching with older students.  I hope that all my new found life lessons will also help prepare me for my change as well as be able to help those that I will teach!  I will also be going back to work full time after 9 years of being part time.  I do know that it will be exhausting at first but the thrill of the change will pull me through that I am sure!  I love to teach and I love a challenge as well as change so this is going to be one of those moments in my career that will be a milestone!

The girls are out of school and are pushing the limits at times.  They seem to feel Keith and I should entertain them every moment of the day.  This has been difficult at times but for the majority of the last few days we have all survived.  It will be great to have a couple of weeks together before surgery so I can have some fun with them before I am bed ridden and unable to do a great deal of physical activities with them.  

Changes are abundant!

15 down and only 2 more to go!

OH it was so good to get #15 Herceptin treatment done yesterday!  I am having some side-effects such as a headache and some body aches but I am absolutely thrilled to be coming so close to the end of these treatments!  

We had Katelynn's last dance competition in Rockford today!  My parents and I took her out there and it was such a blessing to have them with us to get through this day!  

School is almost out and boy is it coming at a perfect time!  The girls are done the middle of this coming week (Yes, before Memorial day) and I am done teaching the end of the following week,  It will be good to have a couple of weeks free before my surgery.  I am praying that all gets done before June 15th.  

OK, You got me!

Jen Stiles (with help from Keith and my mom) gave me one of the best surprises!  This wonderful friend nominated me for a makeover for Cancer patients/ survivors at Studio 21 in Gurnee.  This amazing salon gave me a day of beauty that I will remember forever!  

The day started as all do with the girls waking up first and then I get up.  Keith and Katelynn left early to go help out at a church work day.  The twins and I got showered and ready to run errands before I dropped them off with Mom and Dad.  Jen had planned this day with me months before and I was so looking forward to getting away with a good friend and having a me day.  I thought we were going for manicure and pedicure together as well as get some food.  I got to her house a little early since Mom encouraged me to go after I dropped the girls off... I should have known something was up since my mom agreed so quickly to help me get the girls to their dance pictures for tumbling class.  Let's just say this is not her first choice of activities to help out with since it can be chaos...Once Jen was ready we were on our way to the Salon.  As we entered the salon there were at least three ladies greeting me and so excited to see me,  They had flowers and chocolates for me as well as telling me all the wonderful surprises they had in store for me. I cannot tell you all that was going on in my mind.  It really did not register right away!!  I can honestly say I was in shock!!!!  I hugged Jen and that was when I broke down and cried.  The realization of all she must have done to make this happen was overwhelming. It was also unbelievable that all these ladies wanted to do all these things for me!  I had a mini-facial, manicure, pedicure, a new outfit (many layers, jewelry, and shoes), make-up and hair (highlights, a cut and styled).  This salon took such great care of me!!  The facial was AWESOME!!! I had never had one and it was absolutely amazing and relaxing! The mani and pedi were fabuluos!! My hair is unbelievable!  AND OH my make-up is making me like a whole new person!!  

The women at the salon were so kind and such fabulous cheerleaders!  I loved feeling this wonderful and realizing that I have been without this feeling for my looks for a very long time!  Don't get me wrong:  I have been very happy each day to be alive and be able to love life BUT I have not been as positive about how I look.  I have had my moments of hating the fact that cancer took so many things from such as my breasts and my hair.  Loving life does help to make these feelings go underground for a while but it always creeps back up.  

Jen is so amazing to me!  She made sure this day was an absolute dream for me!  Andrea at the salon was the next one who made his day perfect!  The other women I have also added to my Angel Team are Bridget, Lyni, and Tina.  Everyone loved doing it for me and were just the kindest people you could meet!

"Hello Gorgeous" is the name of the foundation that gave me all of this!  A woman in Indiana started this and it is slowly growing.  What a fantastic idea that has grown to touch my life!  I am in awe of all that I was given today!  Thank you just won't tell anyone just how appreciative I really am!  

My whole family and Jen's sister and mom were there for my reveal!  It was awesome to walk into the waiting area and look stunning in front of those that love me!  We all toasted, eat yummy snacks and talked about all the ways this day came about under my nose.  We then went for food at Tacos El Norte.  

...WOW!!!  I am exhausted and so happy!  It truly feels like I am in a fairy tale and I really do not want to wake up!!!  This is such an amazing feeling!  A picture will follow once I get it out of the camera.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!

PT is amazing!

Today was a PT day... I had started going to PT for tendonitous in my right foot.  It has evolved to help me get ready for this reconstructive surgery I will be having in one month. 

Jayne is my Physical Therapists and we have really connected -- she is a twin and they sound so much like Lindsey and Sarah as they are very different from each other.  She has done so much to help me get stronger and really understand how the parts of the body work together or against each other.  She has now brought in her new colleague who specializes in Oncology patients.  Robin is another wonderful person who is now on my team and knows so much about this surgery- she has even watched one done before.  She filled us in on what kind of recovery I would have to endure.  She put me at ease because she filled in all the missing pieces of the surgery that I did not know.  Robin gave Jayne some different ideas on what to focus on before surgery and then they will come up with a plan after the surgery to recover stronger than before.  Robin is also very willing to do home visits after surgery just to make sure all is going OK in the first weeks which will be the hardest.  It was a great appointment!

I am so thankful that I do not have any treatments this Mother's Day weekend!  I am looking forward to spending time with friends and family all weekend and enjoying all the surprises these girls have tried to tell me about this past two weeks.... 6 year olds were not made to keep secrets.  The twins have almost told me my presents and the plans for me so many times.  Lindsey even asked me one day if she could just tell me it all so that she did not have to feel like bursting with surprises.  I told her that it would be most disappointing to her sisters if she told me since they worked hard to plan it all with her. 

Herceptin will be the following weekend and after that there are only 2 more until I am done with that part of this journey!!  WOW!!  I really did not think this time would come!!! 

Looking through clear eyes

Waking up feeling good!  Wow does this feel great!!

I realize now that I have been feeling sick for about a month- congestion and sinuses that were painful and a cough that shook my whole body.  It feels so freeing to be rid of all of that!  I am ready to enjoy life again to the fullest!

Life really is good for this family!  We are heading into summer with such anticipation and excitement.  It will be divided into a few weeks of fun before surgery and then the rest will be a recovery summer for me again.,,

June 15th-- This is the day of final reconstruction.  I am having a procedure called a Tram flap Breast Reconstruction.  "The TRAM flap (transverse rectus abdominus myocutaneous) is a tissue flap procedure that uses muscle, fat and skin from your abdomen to create a new breast mound after a masectomy."  Recovery will be much longer than last summers surgery but after this I will be DONE!!  In July I will be Breast Cancer free and ready to get on with life!

Before all of that, we all have to finish off the school year.  The twins will finish Kindergarten and Katelynn will complete 4th grade.  I am finishing up my last year in the Gifted program and get ready to go full time and teach 6th grade math.  We are all looking towards exciting new adventures in the upcoming year.  It is time on our journey to soar!!!

Reminders

I wanted to share a sweet story from today so that I would not forget it!

I have been dealing with a horrible cough for the past 5 days and I have gotten little sleep so that sets the stage for how I was feeling.  As I was feeling sorry for myself that I was so sick and I was having to go in for the Herceptin treatment tomorrow something so wonderful happened.... I decided to go onto Facebook which was something I have not given a lot of time lately.  I went around commenting on others status updates and smiling when seeing all the good going on in everyone's life.  I decided to update my status so I wrote exactly what I hoped everyone would pray for me... my veins to work tomorrow during treatment and the ability to get through it all even though I was so anxious.  Do you know what happened???  Those prayers were answered in the form of many awesome women in my life sending me the most uplifting messages and prayers!  I am tearing up again just as I did the first time I read all the comments!  This is when I really do know that God gives us angels here on Earth and I happen to blessed with so many!  If only everyone would live life in a positive way I really do believe this world would be a better place.... one of those crazy thoughts I have had during all the couch time I have had is.... wouldn't this world be different if it were run by a cancer survivor!  Compassion and caring would be first and foremost instead of set on the back burner. 

I am so thankful for all the friends who support me and help lift me up with prayer through these hard times! 

Herceptin treatment is this Friday.  I am praying my veins work well and all can be done in a short amount of time.  

I am doing physical therapy which started out to help the foot I hurt when I had neropothy during chemo.  The foot is increasingly better and now we are working on getting my stomach muscles ready for the reconstruction surgery in June.  We also have Sarah going to PT to help with her trouble walking and running.  She is a great patient who is so excited to go each week!  Maybe in a few months mother and daughter will have more of their muscles working correctly!

I am struggling with my allergies and am now thinking I am also dealing with asthma symptoms.  The cough chokes me and makes me feel like my lungs are flattening as I cough.  I am starting the inhaler tonight and have the nebulizer ready to go if needed!  ... thank goodness I learned so much about lungs from Lindsey when she was a baby.  

A weekend of having to rest will be a welcome change for me!

WHY???

I am having a good week!  It is always tough to come back after an eventful Easter weekend but I was doing well!  Work has ramped up and I am finishing off this year as well as getting ready for the move to 6th grade math for next year.  I went to a workshop on Tuesday and was still doing well... until I returned on Wednesday and found out something I would not have imagined!

My dear friend, Yvonne, who was a huge help in getting me through last year since she is a survivor, told me that she found out she had cancer in her lungs.  This was her former breast cancer that was able to lay dormant for the past 13 years and is now showing its "teeth."  This threw me for a curve ball since she was such strength for me.  BUT it also threw me into helping mode!  I am going to be her rock and help her all I can!  I know that cancer is inevitable but it is so hard to hear those I love have to deal with a new battle!  Please pray these treatments will work to rid her of this horrible thing!

I am doing well!  I have been to the foot doctor again and am progressing well in PT to improve the function of my right foot and my hips that seem to be the reason I am having many of my pains. 

I am hoping to have two good weeks before I have the next round of Herceptin.

Blessed week and weekend

This week has been one of many blessings and even some small, personal miracles!  

The MUGA scan is my small miracle for the week!  I went in on Thursday morning to Grayslake Lake Forest Hospital building extremely anxious but determined to get through this test ... as I joked with Dr. Chung on Friday, I finally took a Big Girl pill and just did this test!  I had, of course, prayed over and over for the test to go well and the technician I wanted to be there!  I got to the Radiation department and was greeted wit the news that John would be my technician and I wanted to hug the girl!  I thanked her and told her she just made my day because I was hoping it would be John!  When John came to get me from the waiting room I could tell he recognized me and I let him know I was so relieved he would be doing the test!  He was surprised at my last experience and took GREAT care of me!!!  The IV went into to my hand and worked well!  The test took about two hours from start to finish but it went so smoothly I would have been fine to be there all day!  

Friday was a different story!  I had spent much of Thursday night decluttering for the cleaning ladies... so I got only a little sleep.  Everyone was home while the ladies came and cleaned so I had to keep them all in their rooms.  The house looked so WONDERFUL!!! I just love the sight of a newly cleaned house in which I did not have to do all the cleaning!  We spent the rest of the morning eating breakfast and getting ready for the rest of the day... the girls were heading over to Kim's house as they usually do on treatment days lately.  They could not wait to get there and play with their friends and eat "junk food" with Ms. Kim!  I got ready for treatment by making sure I drank as much as I could stand to have hydrated veins (Like that would even help my little veins!) and I made sure I had my Nook charged to keep me distracted during the quiet time of treatment....

The girls excitedly went to Kim's while Keith and I went to Libertyville!

My IV did not cooperate two days in a row.... It took two tries and the final one went into my wrist,,, WOW was that painful from the first poke until the day after treatment.  I did find it so ironic that on Good Friday I would end up with having to have an IV in my wrist and feel the tiniest bit of what Jesus felt on the cross.  I also had a very moving experience at chemo... Dave is a patient who is a fun character!  He is a five year survivor of cancer that is inoperable and pretty much unstoppable, He is a fun, older guy who has a great sense of humor and enjoys talking to anyone who will strike up a conversation!  I really do believe that if you want to learn about the meaning of life all you need to do is visit a chemo room and talk to the patients who are at a point where they want to talk.  Life looks differently to those who have learned a great lesson from this ugliness!  Dave is past the time they thought he had to live and I can tell he is seeing the inevitable is coming.  He is not giving up but he is taking charge of life.  He is getting everything in order to live life his way for the last bit ... whatever it ends up being!  Our talk was a great one!  He loves car racing so he and Keith talked about all kinds of cars and races.  He and I talked about my treatment and how I was doing and how teaching was going.  He has no children and his family is all in St. Louis so I know that going home is lonely.  He is a talker and I was so happy we had our chance to talk with him!  I gave him a big hug before he left!  Once he did head out I was filled with sadness.  I talked with nurse Katie about how I did not know how she did it!  

We did meet with Dr. Chung during this afternoon and had one of the most uneventful appointments.  Although I do know I have made an impression on her: for one I laughed when she told me she got my MUGA report back on Thursday afternoon and it made her laugh as she noticed I waited until the absolute last moment to get it done as well as knowing that I detest this test but I did it!  The other reason is during the end of the appointment we were talking about how much she appreciates my willingness to help other patients who are in my same situation (young and/or moms of young kids).  She was passing on my info to a couple of others.  I am so blessed to have such a caring doctor!  I also so blessed to have the opportunity to know what it is to have a cure!

I went home from treatment with the worst headache and more nausea than I ever remember before with this drug  I went to bed and did not really get up until 11am on Saturday.  I missed out on a great deal but was so blessed to have the last half of the weekend to enjoy the Easter Celebrations. 

Tests and treatments this week

This week is a full one for me.  I am transitioning back into work after a week off for Spring break and the girls are trying to get back to waking up early for school which is a slow go in our house.  We all enjoyed our vacation but now it is reality!

I have a MUGA scan on Thursday morning... as you may know this is my LEAST favorite test I have to do every 4 months (Or whenever I get the courage to make the appointment). 

I have Herceptin treatment on Friday.

It is a full weekend with all the Easter events and I am hoping to feel OK so that I can enjoy all that the kids will be enjoying!  We shall see!!

Life is changing greatly in my world starting next school year!  I am so excited to say that I am going back to my first love... Junior High math!  I am so looking forward to being full time and I am joining a fabulous team!  I so look forward to all that is to come... BUT first I am finding myself taking more time to enjoy each of things I am doing this year as a last time of doing them.  I have loved the last 8 years of teaching math to K-2 students.  I am so passionate about making math fun for all I have been able to make a difference in all the students I am able to see each year. Now I will be able to influence the entire class each year in 6th grade.... As I think forward to next year I am going to be walking into the building with a new body and a new position. 

The new body I am talking about will be complete after I recover from my reconstruction surgery on June 15th.  My tissue expanders will be removed and the surgeons will use the tissue from my stomach to re-create new breasts and then flatten out my stomach as it is sewn back up.  OH have I found the silver lining to this thing that started as my worst nightmare! 

I have been given so many signs of being on the right path by having twins follow me through each part of this journey... Lauren, Jen and Kate at the oncology office are either a twin or have twins, Dr. Posner(radiation oncologist) has twins, and more...
Now we have joined a new church which has been wonderful for us all!  I was keeping my cancer quiet because I did not want to be defined by it in a new place.  But there was one Sunday in Adult Sunday School that I was compelled to share my story only to find out that a woman I had connected with was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer just that Friday.  I have been able to help her and encourage her over this past month as she has had beginning treatments.  I have since connected with a couple survivors in the church and we have now been joined by a newly diagnosed woman.  I do not wish to increase the number of woman who have this same diagnosis but if it must happen I am happy to make it my ministry to help others know that they too will get through the different phases of treatments.  Just knowing I might give others comfort in a time that is so unknown and uncertain gives me such peace!

Love is the best way to go!

Vacation was a learning experience!

My body is still not back!  I went out to Colorado this past week on the Annual Moore family ski trip.  My dad was wonderful and made it possible for us to all go.  The twins have skied in Wisconsin but never in the mountains.  Katelynn made the trip for the 4th time so she is an old pro!  I was hoping to fulfill my promise to the girls that when I beat the cancer I would ski with them once.....
We traveled late on Saturday and made our way to the house we rented about 12:45am on Sunday.  We slept for a few hours and were up and eating breakfast by 7:30am.  I was not feeling so good but I was trying to get myself psyched up for this new experience!  I was actually not nervous but rather trying to deal with all the altitude symptoms.  We made it to Copper by 9am and were signing the twins up for ski school and renting all equipment we needed.  I did not realize that there was so much energy needed for just putting on ski boots!  By the time I got through the lines and had all my equipment my body was EXHAUSTED!  I was so tired I could not even stand up.  I sat for a while but I was so worried I was taking away from Keith, dad, and Katelynn's day.  I really wanted to ski and have time with the family BUT I could not go on!  I really had not felt like this since Chemo.  I did get so mad at the cancer because it has taken so much away from me and I was sickened that I could not do what I had promised!  I got all the equipment back to the shop and just went up and sat for a long time trying to recover.  It was a good thing I was available in the late morning because I got a call from the school that Lindsey was having a very tough time.  I ended up going to see her to calm her down and we got her to finish off the day. 

All things happen for a reason and I did realize that I was being reminded of the lesson I learned about listening to my body and not overdoing for others.  I even took the third day of skiing off and stayed back at the house with the twins.  We got to go swimming an extra time and I even got a nap.  This was what I needed!

Our trip was awesome and even relaxing after the first ski day.  We spent a wonderful time with friends and family which is so good for the soul and spirit!  We did feel like we ate our way through Colorado but it was all good!!

A vacation is fun but being home today is GREAT!!  I slept in and recovered some of my energy the altitude took away from me.  Life is good!

One more new thing...

I am a new DANCE MOM!!!  Katelynn is competing with her Tap Team at the Elite Dance Studio and she is doing so well!!!  Her confidence has come from the bottom up and I am loving the girl she is becoming!!!  She is an amazing dancer and I just want her to see herself as we see her!

This is something I would have never imagined before cancer but I am so glad it has brought us the gift of living to the fullest potential!!!  We are all trying new things and cheering each other on..... OH that reminds me prayers please for me for a safe trip down the ski hills of Colorado on Spring break!!!  We are 9 days away from flying out there with my dad to have the annual Moore family ski trip with ALL this Klunder family along for the fun!!  I bet the girls that if we beat this cancer I would go skiing for the first time in my life.... well we did it so now here I go!!!!!!!

Learning a new way of thinking about things!

I am doing so well I have not had a moment to even do a update on me!  I am again Taxi Mom and Wife and Homemaker and Teacher and friend and daughter and.... wow!  did I learn anything over this past year and four months?? 
Yes, I have!  All those things I rattled off are the things I love!!!  I have also learned a huge lesson that I am putting into play each day:  To look at things in a different way!

I am having Hergceptin treatment today.  I have noticed that I have been rather negative about this treatment in the past!  I was resentful for having to still go to treatments when I had my mind and heart set on being done as of surgery last summer!!!  BUT that was not the case and now I am realizing how grateful I should be that the medical world has this drug for us to take to give us a longer life!!!  I am going in today in a much better place and will hope that this turn around is in time to ensure all will be good once this medicine is in my body.  We did figure out that on JUNE 29th I will be DONE with these treatments!  (Or should I say SHOULD be done!!!  since things can always change! and I am not always the one in control!) 

I have taken this lesson of looking at things differently to most of the parts of my life!  I take each challenging situation and work on thinking of it as a good thing.  And you know it generally comes out better than the pessimistic side of me would think it would!!!! 

Oh and the ever sharing Lynn has come out again!!!  I am in a new Adult  Sunday school group and I was not wanting to be defined as the cancer patient so I had not divulged that part of my life yet... UNTIL three Sundays ago.. and since then it has brought me so many more supporters in life as well as others I am now helping!!  God is so good!!  He has really taken such good care of us and we are now seeing all the good we are able to give as well as receive!! 

Work has been stressful with all the changes that may or will occur for next school year!  I am coming back to teach full days next year but where that will be is a mystery to me still!  This would have torn me apart in years past!!!  I do not like to give up control remember!!!  BUT I am taking it day by day and working through the uncertainty pretty well!  I will also take the news when given as a good sign of what should be even if it is not exactly what I am hoping for... which would not have been the case before because I could not always see that even when the answer is not what we expect it can still all turn out OK!  .... More to come on that in a week.  I hope!!

Thank you to all who have helped me on this journey!  You are all the reason I am able to share and be as strong as I am today!

Free as a bird!

Oh the responses I have received from some of you has been almost overwhelming and I cannot thank you enough for following my journey!  This journey has been one I could never have imagined!!  It is Heaven sent and I am feeling more blessed each day!  I just hope and pray that each one of you can join in with me and remember to live each day to the fullest and always remember to SMILE!!! 

Change used to scare me!!  I would do almost anything not to deal with changes but now I know it is a good thing!!  I may not understand why things have to change but the answer will come in time.  That is how I am getting through the waiting for knowing what position I will hold at school.  It would have been eating me up a few years ago if I were in this situation because I would worry all the time!  Today I know that the answer will come in the near future and there is nothing I can do to make it happen any faster... so I will not waste any precious energy worrying about it now.    WOW!! That is so amazing even to me!!  I really cannot believe this worry wart could be so changed by cancer!

It was such a freeing experience to share my story in response to a discussion about the book of Ephesians in Sunday school.  For so many months I have shared my story with people who loved me long before cancer.  This time I was able to choose to share my story with a group who has only known me for a month but who have opened up their arms and hearts to us from the first visits.  This community is an answer to my prayers and it came at the perfect time for this family!  We have all found a stronger relationship with God and we needed to spread our wings and grow.  Each one of us is getting all we need and I am so thankful that Keith has been able to make such a good connection with Pastor Steve!  This is one more answer to a prayer because it has been so hard to be in a different place than he was on this spiritual journey.  The hardest thing is that I am thankful to God for this journey and Keith is still struggling with the "Whys" of it all -- why did this happen to good people? why us?  why now?...  If you have ever read the book of Ephesians it is Paul's letter to tell those in Ephesus how to live a Christian life.  It is a powerful letter that really speaks to me in how to proceed with life to be able to live life to the fullest!  I am seeing this study may be the way Keith and I get back to the same place on this journey.  I look forward to seeing what is around the next corner!

The girls are all keeping life normal:  taxi mom, fights, screaming matches, bossiness, complaining... and it is only Monday!  Sarah did lose her 2nd tooth last week and she had us all in stitches!  She wrote a note to the fairy and asked to keep her tooth, and then she asked this question:  "What size are you?  Tiny, Small, Medium, Big or Large?"  The fairy circled Medium so then she and Keith discussed whether that was medium size for us or medium size for fairies.... I am sure the next note will be much longer with even more questions!  Look out tooth fairy!!!

Life is a joy because all of you are in it with me!

Herceptin was easy!

Friday was a Herceptin day! Not to mention it was a snow day for Wauconda but a work day at Oak Grove.  There was a great deal of schedule changes to make everything happen but it all went well! 

My IV was not easy and we had to put it into my right arm which they do not like to do but it was the only way we were going to get the meds into this body.  I saw Dr. Chung and discussed all the various things that have been happening and how I changed meds with Dr. Jason.  It was a quick visit since we were not dealing with any problems.  I also found that I did not have as many problems this whole weekend after.  I was so thankful to not have any problems since there were many different things going on I would have hated to miss. 

Katelynn competed with her tap team for the first time at a National Competition.  It was a new experience for all of us!

We went to church today and it was another chance for God to show me He has a plan for me!  I was in Adult Sunday school and was rather quiet during this lesson because I have been taking it all in and not had much to share yet.  Then came a moment in which sharing my experiences over the past year and a half became very appropriate.  Since we are visiting a new church these past five weeks I have kept my cancer quiet because I did not want to be defined by that... although I am looking at it differently tonight!  I shared with the class how I have found that cancer was a gift in my life and I defined that by explaining that it has made me a stronger and more relaxed person.  As I shared these experiences that got me to this moment, I was complimented for my choice of words by Pastor Steve and then one of the ladies who have been so welcoming to us since the first time we were in church opened up and let me know that she had just been diagnosed on Friday with Stage I Breast cancer.  She was the reason I needed to share this experience and share the positiveness of this horrible, scary monster!  She and I teared up and I hugged her to let her know that she is not alone!  She thanked me for sharing this and WOW was God still speaking today!!!  I also was given the gift of one of the other women coming to me to tell me she is a 13 year survivor and wanted to connect with me and help me in anyway she could!  I also saw Keith allow the whys to wash away and maybe even begin to forgive God for making us go through this.  We have been at two different places on this journey for a while but I am so thankful to be present to watch his journey start to catch up with mine and I know that it is the guidance and love we are receiving from St. Peters that is opening up his heart!!! 

I have had a wonderful day that has left me lifted up and feeling great!  I am so blessed to have my eyes open and being allowed to see all these beautiful connections!  Life is meant for sharing and I am one of the luckiest people to have so many connections in my life!  Thank you all for your love and support and connections!!!

This week has been a test for me to see how I would do in more stressful situations... I think I passed!!!

Valentine's day meant candy and kids to me instead of love, roses and dinner  AND I loved it!  All weekend I was planning and getting ready for the Valentine's party for Katelynn's 4th grade class.  I was able to gather all the necessities by Monday morning and had so much help from other parents which was a HUGE help!  We worked on a few projects during Monday evening and Tuesday morning but was not too stressful.  I worked on Tuesday and then started on my Valentine's party marathon by stopping to get the ice cream for the party.  I picked up Keith and the twins and we made our way to the school.  The party was an awesome success.... I even had the class next door join us because my dear friend Kim was stressed out over what to do with the kids.  Everyone had a BLAST!!!  The fun was not over though....
The girls still had dance classes which began at 4:45PM for the twins and ended with Katelynn's class finishing at 8:15PM.  We took a break in between to have dinner at home and say good-bye to Keith as he left for work.
Life did not slow down the rest of the week... I had a workshop to go to on Wednesday which meant I left in the morning as Keith got home from work.  Then on Thursday the girls did not have school because of parent teacher conferences so the twins got their chance to visit my school and see what mommy does at work.  I realized they had never gotten to see me in action.  They loved seeing what Kindergarteners at my school do.  Finally it is Friday and I am heading into work for our teacher institute.  I am beginning to work on getting up earlier and more importantly getting ready earlier since life next year is going to be quite a change as I go back full time!!!

WOW!  I am still astonished that I have all of the energy to do all of these things and even more of the normal things I did not even list!  It is surreal for me to think back to what a year ago looked like in my life!  I was nearing my lowest of lows by this time!  The chemo was taking such a toll on my body and all I could do was count down to the end!  Now I am living for each day and all it brings to my life! 

I am also growing spiritually which is amazing!  My girls are the reason I am able to say this!  They were craving more from church and so we spread our wings to find a church that makes children and their needs a priority!  The entire family is so happy each Sunday morning as we get ready to go to Sunday School and we have so much to share when church ends.  I was in tears after the first visit to realize that my children were missing so much for so long!  It is such and uplifting experience each week. 

I do need an extra nap this weekend but I am so glad I have made it through this week as well as I have!  Life is so GOOD!!

All is well with me!!!  This is a phrase I have been waiting to say for a long time!!!  I am feeling so much better today!  My cough is getting better and I am feeling stronger.  It feels so good to say these words!!!  Praise God!

I was so blessed this weekend to have a chance to catch up with a dear friend from chemo, Tammi!  It was so good to get a chance to commiserate over all the different things we are still dealing with and have experienced!  It was also great to be meeting up in a Starbucks rather than in a doctors office!!!  Tammi is such a great help for me since we are both "the young ones" from chemo and can truly relate to each other!  This was so helpful to me and I cannot wait until we get together again!

Keith and I were spoiled last night because we were able to get away on a double date!  At the last minute we were able to have Cinde and Pat (Keith's parents) come over to watch the kids so that we could go out with Wendi and Ken.  We could not have made it through this last year without Wendi and Ken!!  They have opened up their house and their hearts to our girls during all of these life changing events!  I have not let one day pass that I have not thanked God for these friends in our life!  We were all able to get away and go to a special dinner at Bob Chinn's!  We had a fabulous time and will enjoy these memories and the chance to be out without the kids.

My spirit is soaring with happiness for so many reasons and I am so thankful my strength and my health are on the rise!