The holidays flew by...

WOW!  I know we all feel this way but how does it work that we prepare for Christmas and all the festivities for weeks or even months but then it is all over in a matter of minutes.  The presents are open quickly.  The food is devoured and the cookies just disappear into thin air!

I found myself sitting back this year at all the wonderful gatherings I was present at and taking in all the things I love about the event.  We started with Klunder Christmas the weekend before Christmas.  It is always a fantastic time to get together with this supportive part of the family.  The girls are all old enough to enjoy each other and they played so well together!  I was looking at the kids table and in awe of all the gorgeous Klunder girls that we created!  They are all strong willed and have very similar genetics which is comical at times.  We had such a wonderful time with everyone and it is so fantastic to think back to all the support and love this group of people sent our way during our battle and beyond.

On Friday before Christmas I had a Herceptin treatment.  I had not slept the night before because I was wrapping presents and doing other preparations.  I was rather anxious when I got to the doctors office and realized I would not have my nurse Maria.  Panic began to set in and even the nurses were anxious about who would actually attempt it first.  Kate took the challenge and at first looked like she did not get the vein.  But as she was going to pull the needle out it went in perfectly!!!  It even gave blood as well as took the saline.  We all did a celebration dance!  I did have some nausea and a headache but we thought it all came from my anxiety.  I was able to get through the treatment and went home for a nap.  It took a lot for me to stay relaxing all day as there were other things to do.  I prayed that night that I could have the strength to enjoy and participate in all the activities of the Christmas weekend... and God listened.  He provided me with the strength and the ability to be at all the events.

Christmas eve was a day FULL of family activities!  Santa has to come on this morning in our house as he did throughout my whole childhood because we travel to the farm on Christmas day.  SO Katelynn woke up first and was so excited to see all the presents she ended up waking up everyone else to open presents.  It was a fun morning full of exciting surprises for all!  Around 10:30 AM we headed off to my parents house for the annual Moore family Christmas brunch.  Mom makes such wonderful casseroles and we had an abundance of yummy food.  We love to spend quiet time with Brad and my parents so this is a fun day.  We took the annual family picture which is always an adventure especially since we tried to get Malibu in the picture.  Kids are hard enough but then the dog makes it even harder to get a good picture.  Of course, we opened presents which was completed quickly and we all enjoyed many fun new "toys."  After Keith had a quick nap we packed up all the presents into the car and came home for an hour and a half before we had to be at church.  We all took part in various aspects of the Christmas eve service at church.  It was a very memorable service for the Klunders and Moores!  After church we went over to Keith's parents house for a small gathering of the Pepsniks.  We ate dinner with everyone and again opened presents.  The kids were spoiled rotten but so happy with all they received.  I was so amazed that I had enough energy to make it all the way through the day.  I did fall asleep in a chair at Keith's parents but that was really good for me!

Christmas day is the Moore family gathering down in Wliton Center, IL.  The family farm is a great place to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.  We are such a large group that we meet at the church in the recreation room to have our gathering.  We had so many great food items to choose from and so many family members to catch up with!  I absolutely love this event because it has nothing to do with gifts but rather it is all about the togetherness of family!  There are 18 great grandchildren and they were all present so we were able to take a picture to blow up for Grandma and Grandpa.   All my dad's siblings were there as well so we had a great picture session.  There are so many memories I have from that day and I know that each one of my family members has those memories too!  One sweet thing was when I was able to take a picture with my Aunt Leann and my grandma who are both survivors with me.  I could not have been as strong as I was during my battle without the support of my Aunt Leann!  I love you Aunt Leann and know you are ALWAYS in my prayers!!

The past two days I have been resting up from the weekend exhaustion.  BUT I have also taken the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with each of my daughters.  Each one has a different activity they want to do so I have gone shopping with Sarah and I went to a movie with Lindsey.  Katelynn and I will be going to the Marriott with my mom to see White Christmas.  I am enjoying this break to the fullest extent as I want to enjoy life!

Coming back from that wonderful getaway was hard but we are adjusted and moving on with the festivities of Christmas! 

It is amazing to me as I reflect upon just one year ago!  I was wrapping presents last night and realizing how much has changed in a year!  I have energy and am felling more and more healthy each day.  I am really not sure how anything got done last Christmas but that was truly amazing!  I am so grateful that I have been given the chance to make more memories!

I also realized how used to going for treatments I have become!  I am going in for Herceptin on Friday and I am not anxious about it!  After the last treatment which I drove myself to and was alone for, I have a sense of empowerment and knowledge that I can do this on my own.  Although I do enjoy having company!!!

Life has come back to normal.... as I have been out shopping with the girls this week and seeing Santa with them I have been reacquainted with the joys of breaking up constant fighting.  It was only a matter of one hour after seeing Santa that the girls waged a war against each other in the middle of Macy's.  It was so bad that one of the associates came over to try and help me... oh the joys of being a mother.  BUT I am still so thankful that I am here to break up the fights and even scold the girls to learn to get along! 

Oh it is so good to be alive!

Life in Paradise

I am sitting outside on a balcony on the 26^th floor of a gorgeous hotel wearing sunglasses and pjs enjoying an ocean view in December.  All of these things are so uncommon to me but are FABULOUS!!  Hollywood, FL is the location I am sitting in and we are overlooking both the Atlantic Ocean as well as the view to Miami.  This morning is absolutely beautiful!  It is sunny and warm!  I am enjoying getting my Vitamin D naturally!  Although we are here during the Christmas season and it is very hard to digest the palm trees decorated with Christmas lights or the garland hanging all over while there are palm trees and 80-degree weather without any snow.  It is rather amazing how much fake snow there is and how many ways they create that effect!  (Too bad we cannot send some of the winter weather to them to experience!) 

This gift is one that we enjoyed last year BUT I did not take in all that there is to experience!  I am such a changed person from last years trip down here (Pre-diagnosis) I did have a moment of mourning for that Lynn right when we got here.  All week leading up to the trip I was a little on edge.  I of course thought it was all the preparations I had to accomplish in order to take this trip and I know that contributed…. BUT I realize now that there was some anxiety in facing what was the changing point in our lives. 

One of my first moments of realization was when we were in the airport waiting for the plane and my nerves were not racing a million miles a minute (Pre-cancer I was terrified of flying because I ultimately was terrified to die.)  Instead I was taking in the sites of people watching and enjoying my alone time with Keith.  I was quietly praying all would go well for the girls and all who are taking care of them while I was gone… BUT even that was no longer worrying but rather honest hope and love being sent their way!  On the plane I was calm (and exhausted from not being able to sleep the night before and getting up at 3am) and slept a great deal of the time away.  On arrival we began to fly through the clouds.  They were big beautiful cumulous clouds and I began to think of my girls and remembered one of them asking me if these were the clouds angels sat on.  I found my self looking to see if there were angels on the clouds so I could tell Sarah that I did not see anyone but I could feel they were there.  I am really enjoying the calmer me and the Lynn who sees the beauty in just about everything and every situation!

Today is the girls Winter recital for dance!  We are missing all the rehearsals and then ultimately to performance!  I am sad not to be there but over this past year I have learned to miss things and have them share it with me afterwards!  I have also learned to let others take part in the caring for and bringing up of my girls.  I am still mom but it takes a village to raise children and I am allowing my village to do more than I used to!  This trip would not be possible without so many people in our lives who love us!  First and foremost our parents who are taking over for us with our children.  Marcia and Ed have the weekend duties.  They are also teaming up with Laura and Jen during the recital to help them do all the backstage work.  Laura is even taking the girls for the day during the time between the recital and the performance which is so much weight lifted off my parents!  Cinde will be taking the girls to our house on Sunday night to be at home for the rest of the week we are gone.  She will get the girls through their Monday and Tuesday routine for us as well as get them off to school on Wednesday.  Pat drove us to the airport and will pick us up from the airport when we return home Wednesday.  The school staff will be looking out for the girls and knows we are gone so I know they all will be extra helpful this week as we even transition back into real life when we return.  I may not have seen any angels in the clouds because God has blessed us with so many here on Earth!

My energy level and my body are showing signs of change from last year.  I was so exhausted yesterday and when I overdid because of all the excitement I really paid for it in pain.  I did sleep wonderfully last night once I was asleep!  So this morning I am refreshed and ready to go!  I do realize that I could tire out again so I know now to prioritize the activities.  I listed out for myself all I wanted to do in order of importance.  That way if we do not get to it all I will have most likely done all I truly wanted to do and miss some of the extras!  This is a life skill I probably should have been doing all along but it took cancer to make me really learn it!

I pray everyone I love is safe and well!  I pray that all is going good for everyone involved in making this trip possible for us!  Know we are sending all of you love from sunny Florida!  We hope some of the sun and warmth gets to all!

Life goes on...

It's Official!  Everyone in my house has decided cancer is gone and so we are back to Mommy doing it all!!  I had a fit the other morning because every time I decluttered an area in the living room one of the girls would come along and pile something new where it was cleaned... needless to say mommy lost her cool and everyone got an earful from me.  We are all readjusting to life without cancer again!  It is a slow transition but a refreshing one!

Today I did what I have laughed at friends and family for doing.... I scrambled to clean before the cleaning ladies came over today for our first major cleaning.  WOW!  I did not realize all the "Stuff" we had piled everywhere!  Aunt Candy and Uncle Terry gave us this generous gift certificate for last Christmas to have Molly Maids in to clean for us.  We final got the courage to use it and I am SOOOOOO glad!  It was such a blessing to walk into a clean house that I did not have to use up my limited energy to do!  I am so glad we waited till now because I was able to then have energy to pull out the Christmas tree tonight after all the activities of the day and decorate with the girls.  It was such a fun evening!   They were so excited to pull out their ornaments and talk about each of them!  I loved watching them work on the tree as they decorated in their own way!  I used to wonder why my mom did not decorate with her ornaments until we were all done with ours.... but I found myself doing that same thing with my girls.  This holiday is really for the kids!  It is so awesome to see it through their eyes!  What a great night and memory which was only able to happen because of the burden that was lifted from me for the week!  Thank you Candy and Terry!

I have had many wonderful things happen over these past weeks and am in awe of how blessed I am!  I have met people who were connected to people in my life which made the world become a little smaller!  At treatment this past Friday I met a woman who lives near the school I teach and who knows many teachers I work with.  She was a wonderful person to talk to during my hour and a half of treatment.  This treatment was the first time that I went alone!  This was huge because I have really needed to lean on whoever is with me.  I did well and my veins cooperated for Nurse Maria.  Then right after the treatment I met up with Keith, Wendi and Ken to go to the Blackhawks game.  Cousin Tim came through for us again and got us 8th row seats behind the visitors bench.  It was AMAZING!!!  The game was awesome!  The team came through in a shoot out to win!  We were able to see the whole game and I even did the crazy fan thing and got myself and Wendi on TV during the intermission break.  Hockey has become addicting to me!  Thank you Tim!

Life is moving and I am finding each day that I am not as far behind as I was the day before!  I am actually getting back in this marathon on my own terms!  I won't forget the lessons I have learned from this past year:  I will cherish every event I am present at and love all the time I have with my friends and family!  I will remember that I am strong and can overcome whatever is put in my path.  Life is a gift and we need to live every moment to the fullest!

Oh CHEMO brain...

Chemo Brain has become my latest residual effect that I am frustrated by.  I guess I could cut myself some slack since our family schedule is growing increasingly more and more busy BUT I hate when I make a mistake with our schedule... and I did that today in a huge way!

I double booked us with our bowling Christmas gathering and one of our family Christmas gatherings.  Each would be so hard to miss and we wanted to be at both.  I agreed to the family gathering whole heartedly without even thinking that it would be on the same day as our bowling league.  Keith is the VP of the league so this is one year we cannot skip out on a third Saturday of the month.  The family, of course, came through and have helped us change to the Sunday for the family Christmas celebration!  They are the best!  We love our Klunder Christmas and would be so sad to not be with everyone!

I have also doubled up on one of my appointments for Herceptin and leaving for the Blackhawks game Friday.  This should work out fine as long as we get everything to work out on time... OH yeah!  We were blessed with 4 tickets to the Blackhawks game this Friday night.  Cousin Tim gave us tickets again and we could not be more excited!!  We are also so excited because we are able to take our dear friends, Wendi and Ken who have kept the girls throughout chemo and all other treatments!  They are excited to go and we are so happy to be able to do something to thank them for all they have done for us!  

Really if I look at all that I have been able to do these past months and all I am taking on in life it is amazing!  I am so proud of how strong I have become and how much I have come to appreciate all I am able to do.  I still have the moments that I am frustrated with my inability to do something or lack of energy to finish something.  BUT overall I am so glad I am able to do all that I do now.

If this doesn't make you believe....

AMAZING is all I have to say about these past couple of days!

I have been blessed to have a chance to have breakfast with my husband - alone- which rarely ever happens.  We enjoyed our time having a nice conversation while eating delicious food I did not have to cook.  We of course followed that up with a trip to Costco to stock up for all the weeks feasts.

Keith, Lindsey, Sarah and I went to Chicago on the train on Wednesday to finally celebrate their birthday at the American Girl Store.  It was a magical experience for us all and we came home with two new additions to our family (who are quiet).  We experienced 2 cab rides with the girls and one of our favorite memories is when the girls saw the Marilyn Monroe HUGE statue in front of the NBC5 building.  They were blown away that there could be a lady that big.

Thanksgiving day was full of family activities.  We saw my parents and Brad for an early meal.  It was so nice to be able to celebrate together all the wonderful things we were thankful for.... health, happiness and a wonderful future to come.  The late afternoon and evening were spent at Keith's parents' house where we enjoyed our time with them and his aunt and uncle.  The girls played with all the toys over there and the grownups caught up on the happenings in life.  We ate delicious food and had a nice time all day long!  That evening the twins stayed at mom and dad's so Keith, Katelynn and I could venture out together on the madness of Black Friday... or Crazy Thursday as Katelynn now refers to it.  To sum up the night and morning.... Katelynn made it to Target only and we put her to bed at mom's after that store because she was exhausted.  Then a few hours later Keith and I were off on our adventure to complete our shopping WHICH I can brag I am about 90% done with my shopping.

........To get to the real reason for me writing.

CIRCLE OF LIFE does exist and I was given the gift of seeing it today!
I was visited by a person who I have known for many years, Vicky.  She owns the salon I got my hair done for my wedding and where my family has gone for years to get our hair done.  (Not to mention that our moms are good friends.)
It was a surprise to see her at our house today since I have not been into the salon in a long time and we generally see each other only there.  As I realize who it is and we are greeting each other I invite her into the house.  She says she wanted to drop something off for me and we chat for a little bit catching up.  After a little bit she begins to tell me why she is here.........

In October she did a fundraiser at the salon to raise money for a family touched by cancer.  She was telling a friend that she needed to find a deserving family.  This friend contacted someone she had recently met who might know of just the right family and when Vicky's friend e-mailed the information it was my name that was in the e-mail.  She said it was as if God had spoken at that moment.  She knew we were the family she wanted the money to go to.  Her generosity was so overwhelming and then to hear the way in which this financial help came to me was heaven sent!  The person who gave my name was my dear friend, Beth.  She had told me a woman she knew was looking for a family to do a fundraiser for and she made sure it was OK to give my info.  I agreed and then all the pieces fell into place.  Even as I write this I am in awe of how all of this happened.  The money comes at a time in which money has been weighing heavily on my mind so it will help to lessen my fears.  The amount was wonderful and the sentiment is truly priceless!!  One other connection to all of this is that the LHS cheerleading squad all came do the fundraiser and were very interested to know who the family was that received the proceeds.  Vicky asked me if she could let the coach know and I said YES!!  She then tells me who the coach is and as the circle continues the coach is an older sister of a former student of mine from my 2nd year of teaching at Oak Grove.  She part of a generous and wonderful family so I am not surprised to hear she is part of this blessing!  It also means that there is a possibility that I taught one of the girls on the squad.  Every aspect of my life came into this blessing and I am so thankful for it all!!  What a perfect addition to my new favorite holiday... our day (or long weekend) of THANKS! 

I am so thankful for all of the support I am given!  Whether it be a hug, a smile, encouragement, donation, or a prayer, I am so thankful to all who have helped us along this journey!!  You are all part of my CIRCLE of LIFE!

Life has come full circle...

What a day!!  and it is only 10:30 in the morning and I have had a full day of momentous activities!!

I woke up with a twin in my bed who had come in complaining of not being able to sleep.  Of course when the alarm went off I had to crawl over her to turn it off (.. or hit sleep timer 3 times) but she did not wake up for those times.  SO I am not sure how she could not sleep in her own bed but there must be magic in my bed.  :)

After that lovely broken up sleep, I went and got ready for an early doctors appointment.  It was very much like those 25 days of radiation... the same time of morning and they are both located up north so I drove the same way as well.  Keith made it home in time to let me leave on time.  He took over the morning chores and got the girls off to school while I drove up to Gurnee.  As I drove I was thinking about how different a year looks in my life!!

It was a year ago I was in Lake Forest at my annual OB-Gyne appointment complaining about a pain in my armpit knowing that it may not be an area Dr. Huang deals with but she could point me to the correct doctor to check it.  As she did her breast exam she also found that small lump she wanted to have checked out and really expected it to be a baseline mammogram since I was really still young for this test.... FAST FORWARD........ here I drive with my lovely new "water balloons" that are so much smaller than the ones we got rid of.  I am finished with all the original cancer treatments and am living life to the fullest each day!

It was such a wonderful feeling to see Dr. Huang and be able to thank her in person!  She was just as excited to see me as I was to see her!  She gave me a huge hug and was all smiles when she saw that I was still the same Lynn.  She was so good about answering all of my questions about my new body and my side-effects from the meds.  She was the first angel on my journey and I am one of the most blessed women in this world to have such a top notch group of physicians and Dr. Huang is the one who recommended all the oncology team.  I was in tears when I was leaving because it was such an overwhelming moment in my life as I was saying goodbye to the Lynn who was there last year and am embracing the new Lynn of this year. 

As I was in the room waiting I picked up a magazine in which I read about how rituals can help you heal.... I realized that this blog and all of you supporting me has been a ritual for me.  I find so much peace as I write down all that is going on during this journey and I can feel all your positive support of me.  These two things combined have been a huge part of my healing!!  Thank you to all of you for all you do for me!  You are all amazing and mean so much to me!

Happy Anniversary!

One year ago today I was sitting in the surgeons office being told that I had breast cancer....

Now I am here cancer free and loving life!  It is so amazing to me that I can feel those feelings all over again but now I can rejoice because I know the outcome of all the treatments!  I love life and find the miracle of each day!

I am still sick with the virus I have been fighting for the past 17 days.  I finally got to the doctor and Dr. Chung decided to give me a bunch of meds that will help with all the symptoms and get rid of all this pain.  I am so thankful I have such a great doctor and I am praying for a night sleep without coughing or choking!

Thank you to all of you for following my story and for supporting me this entire year!  I could not be as strong as I am without each and every one of you!

This cough and cold is kicking my butt!!!

I asked Keith today:  How come this cough is worse than having cancer?????

I have been dealing with a horrible cough and cold since last Tuesday.  I have lost my voice and am still sounding like a frog.  I have also been coughing uncontrollably these past three days.  I was able to have my treatment on Friday since I have not had a fever throughout the whole time.  I am choking when I cough which is now the most annoying and painful symptom left.   

I have also kept going through the last week... I was able to get to most of the events and activities with a few exceptions.  Of course that could be why I am still sick!  I guess I am still learning to stop overdoing it but I really cannot stop living and I am trying to keep life normal for the girls.

It is the twins 6th birthday!!!  My babies are 6!!!  I am so amazed at looking back over the years from the first time the ultrasound technician told us there was a chance we were having twins!!!  I will be coming full circle in a few weeks... I will be going for my annual gyne appointment on November 21st.  This is the office in which I have been told I am pregnant, I have miscarried and I have a lump.  These are all ups and downs of my life but when I walk in the door this time I am a more well rounded woman who is so thankful for all that I have been given in this life!  I am so grateful to my doctor for helping me get through all the major events in my life.  She was such a fantastic guide on this cancer journey as she recommended all the medical staff that are on my team.  This will be one more milestone on this journey!

I am off to do homework and the nightly routine and then to put myself to bed to hope I can sleep this cold away!!!

Being a single mom is eye-opening to me!!! I have always been in awe of people who were raising kids all by themselves but now that I have had a taste of it I am finding myself so much more thankful for having the wonderful husband I do have!!!  I also will look at single moms much differently and give them the kudos they deserve!!!  I must confess though.... I have not done it alone at all!  Mom and Dad have stepped in and helped as well as my dear friends, Melissa and Wendi!  I really would have not made it through these past three days without them!!  Plus so many others who have cheered me on through these days of craziness!

Today the girls and I are going to enjoy some fun with family and friends so there will be more to report...

******* Mushy warning!!!    Just letting you know before!  *******

Having some time alone last night made me think about all these things and I find myself reflecting on life a great deal lately!!  I have to go back to the beginning to make this make sense so here goes...
Keith and I are high school sweethearts from LHS (Libertyville HS).  We have known each other since 7th grade but way back then I could not stand him because he was so immature!!  :)  Freshman year was the year in which I claim cupid shot me with an arrow because I fell in love with Keith during gym class.  We began "Dating" after flirting during square dancing and to date myself even more he asked me out at the roller rink when my friends took me there for my birthday.  The thing I am so grateful for is that we truly became the best of friends as well as madly in love with each other!  This is really what I believe has made our love last even through this huge test of life!  Keith is an amazing father as well which we have just talked about recently that since we have placed our priorities in life on family and friends instead of wealth we have really been so blessed!!  He is seeing so many amazing parts of the girls lives that he would have missed had he been working a more stressful desk job.  He is really my hero and even though I get mad at him for leaving his socks all over the house I still know that I am the one who is so lucky for having him in my life!!
All of these thoughts came about because I sent a thank you e-mail to his cousins who have treated him to this "Make-a-Wish" weekend.  Sean and Tim are amazing men who have known me since my early years of high school.  They are more like brothers than cousins and that entire family has been amazingly supportive of Keith and I through our entire time together!  I truly wanted these two to know how thankful I was and how amazing they were for doing this for Keith... this is more than just the money!  This was the thought and love that they put into making it all possible!  It is a pure gift with no strings attached!
I wish I could reproduce the relaxed and happy feelings I sense from Keith every time I have talked with him while he was there.  It sounds like the world has been lifted from his shoulders.... I just hope he wants to come home on Sunday.  :)
We love him and miss him very much so Sunday will be a day to celebrate for us!!

This week has been chalked full of events both anticipated and unexpected!  I am up early this morning sending off my wonderful husband to Las Vegas for a much deserved getaway with his cousins!  I am lovingly nicknaming this weekend Keith's Make-a-Wish trip!!  His cousins have really come through to making this weekend one Keith will not soon forget!  He is having an all expenses paid Big Kid vacation! I am so thankful he will get to have a time in which he does not have a care in the world!  He has held this house and family together over these past 11 months and I am so grateful for his families help to give him some time away!

The girls will keep me on my toes this weekend while Keith is gone BUT we are going to make it a fun girls weekend together!  We will spend some much needed time with my parents as we finish going through Grandma's final belongings.  I miss Grandma so much but as some of you know she has not been the grandma I knew for quite some time!  In her prime she was a feisty old lady who was best at telling everyone else what to do.... in these past few years that person has been disappearing and a frail woman who slowly lost the ability to remember appeared.  In the end, my mom gave me the best gift when at her last visit with grandma days before she went to heaven mom put the phone up to Grandma's ear and I was able to tell her I loved her.  Mom tells me her eyes responded to me which is comforting!  I know that on Monday we added another angel to heaven and Grandma can be at peace and in control again of her movements and actions!

I am physically recovering from an awful MUGA scan that took place on Monday morning.  In the past you may remember that I dread this test... it creeps me out the way they take blood out and then put it back in with radioactive markers mixed with it.  I also hate it for the fact that it is another time my veins are asked to work with an IV.  I went on Monday and should have walked out when I found out it was a different radiologist but I stuck it out.... and then I was stuck four times before they managed to get the IV in.  The radiologist had to get an ER nurse to get the final one that worked.  In the meantime I was so upset by this and not to mention I knew that Grandma had passed by now so I began to cry.  The tears just kept on flowing and would not stop.  If that nurse had not been so kind and was not able to get it I would have walked out without the test being completed!!  BUT we managed to get the meds in me and complete the test.  I am interested to see the results!!!  In the future I am asking for another option to have my heart checked!!!

It is allergy season for me and so I am having some reactions to the leaves falling and the changes in the weather but other than that I am feeling well.  It will be nice to get back to some normalcy!

Life really does keep going on!!

Goodbye Grandma Peck

I would have spent this time updating you on a weekend chopped full of events with the kids and family BUT one phone call early this morning changed that....

After many years of waiting and wondering how a body could hang on while the mind was leaving, my grandma was given the peace she so greatly deserved!  She is now in heaven with all her other family members and friends.  For the past four years she has been in and out of hospice as we waited for this day.  I may sound emotionless but it really has been that many years of grieving which brings me to the final stage of relief that the strong, bossy woman I knew my whole life is able to be that beautiful person again.  She has been trapped in a body for so many years that did not work.  She has been wheel chair bound for almost 20 years after her first major stroke.  She has lived in her nursing home for over 10 years.  I will and am missing her so much!!  She was the grandma that sewed all my doll clothes for me and she was the grandma that took care of me when I was horribly sick with the chicken pox at one years old.  I love this lady so much and will miss her forever!!  I am so blessed to have had her in my life for this long and I am even more blessed to have had her in my children's lives!!! 

So glad it is the weekend and I can relax after a week that was exhausting-- both emotionally and physically!

I have gotten my next appointment with Dr. Lu, my plastic surgeon to be able to talk about the next step.  I will be meeting with him on Nov. 2nd in the morning.  I am hoping to discuss all the options and a time-frame for all that will occur. 

It has also been a fun day because I found out a new connection to this being a small world... I just found out that one of the teachers I have known for the past 14 years and the secretary at Radiation have children who are married to each other (so they are the mother-in-laws).  These two women have been angels to me in different ways and it gave me goose bumps to find out that they have a connection to each other!!  It has been so much fun to find all the connections God has put on my journey!!  I am still in awe of all the twins that have been on this journey with me.  There have been twins in every office I have visited throughout this journey-- nurses with twin children, nurses/ techs who are a twin, and doctors who have twin children.  It is almost the way in which I know I am in the right place-- a little inside "joke" with God.

I am not sure I have shared this before and I know it might be a little TMI so feel free to stop reading..... One annoying thing about these new boobs is that since my muscles have been moved and are on top of the tissue expanders I am having muscle spasms.  All of a sudden my boobs will flex or jump.  I now have a new talent of being able to make my chest move when I concentrate on it.... aren't I lucky!?!?!?

Oh the hormone saga still goes on... I am waiting to see if the Tamoxifen has put me into Menopause again or if I will be at the mercy of this drug and how my body reacts.  I am doing better with the panic attacks which is a blessing because they are so draining!  I am so glad this medicine is available and will give me years to watch these girls grow up!!  They are amazing to me and I love to see them as they are changing each day!!

Radiation Graduation

Today was the last day I had to go to Radiation! I met with my Radialogy-Oncologist this afternoon and was given the great news that I do not have to go back for any check ups or visits at this office!!!! I was given a great farewell from all and was told to come and visit whenever but they all hoped that I never had to return to them again. Dr. Posner checked to make sure I was still going to all my other appointments and talked about life in general since we both deal with twins in our lives (his are exactly 1 year younger than mine). This was one of the best appointments I have had!!

I am now just enjoying this feeling of freedom that I found as I left this office! It feels like ..... Check: One more thing has been completed on my list of treatments.


Now it is off to dance for all the girls tonight and plan for Katelynn's Halloween party at school and keep up with life.

Thank you to everyone who is still keeping up with me even as I ramble on about some of the craziness in my life that goes beyond cancer... although it does not really have its own space in my life that is separate from all the other parts of my life.

I have had some sleep and have prayed a great deal about all I wrote about last night after attending a board meeting at my work.... I am realizing that I forgot to look at the positives that were present in those stressful moments.  I forgot to thank all the members of our staff who have worked so hard to fight for fair treatment!  I have forgot to embrace the entire staff that I call my Oak Grove Family who stood by me and even held me up when I wanted to fall apart!  Last night I was one of a large group of wonderful people!  I also have to realize that there were so many parents who were present who love us and are behind us as a group.  I have prayed a great deal and worked out all the shock and negativity to become proud this morning.  It is in the eye of the storm that we are able to walk out at the end and find the rainbow.  This is exactly how I feel this morning!  As I have done even with my biggest enemy --cancer-- I am sending the negative feelings and thoughts away while only allowing the positive things to stay with me.

AS I sent the girls off to school today I was reminded why I am here.  I am a caring and compassionate person who always wants to make everything better for others.

Reality hit again!  After months of everyone first shielding me from negativity to putting up my own boundaries against the evils of life, I was faced with an enormous amount of negativity tonight.  It was probably the most tense situation I have faced since the cancer diagnosis. 

I am a teacher.  I never wanted to work in the business world nor have I ever thought that I would be a millionaire by following this life long dream!  These times in this country are ugly for anyone trying to do the right thing in my profession.  I was faced with being watched by armed police officers at my place of work.  I am so disheartened tonight as I try to get the awful images out of my mind!  As a breathing human being who has spent 14 years of my life caring for other peoples children and spending more time with them than even their parents do on a daily basis, I would never in my wildest nightmares thought I would be enduring this environment.  I am thankful that my colleagues are as strong and loving as they are!  They have been so hard working to try and resolve this issue of our contract.  I am struggling because it slapped me square in the face when I let down my safety net and went to support my position.  I personally have to guard against this again in order to make sure that I stay healthy and keep healing.  I know that this will also be resolved in the future and I have to keep myself positive even in the face of all of these tense moments.

As far as our insurance change issue, I have been finding more and more info about this new insurance to the point that I realize all will work out.  I am just trying to make sure we go the least stressful route for all of it. 

I have my 6 week follow-up with my Radiology-Oncologist tomorrow.  I am looking forward to seeing all the people who I saw each day for those 25 treatments.  I am also hoping that all is OK with me since I do not have any residual problems from the radiation. 

I also have a MUGA scan again next Monday morning.  If you remember this is the heart monitoring test that I truly detest!  It is the one in which they take my blood and put in radioactive "stuff" to the blood and then put it back into me.  Then they monitor me on this interesting looking machine that I am strapped down to while it monitors.  I am praying that this test shows my heart is withstanding these treatments so that we can keep from getting cancer again. 

Love is amazing and it is the one thing that has allowed me to get the negative memories of tonight's board meeting go away.  The minute I picked up my girls from mom and dads I hugged them and remembered why I am going through this all!  I want to give them the life they deserve and that is why I will keep going on this path to get to the end result.

What an interesting Sunday!!  The morning was rough so I was not able to get to church as I had hoped.  It did allow Keith and I to talk about church and how important it was for the girls for us to get back to going to church regularly.  I miss worshiping in a church!  I was able to understand where Keith was on his journey to find out that he was still mad at God.... as a caregiver he has every right to be mad and it seems that God has taken the brunt of this for him.  He is willing to go to church and try to work out these feelings. Keith is such a complex person at times and I would have never known all of this without the frustration of the morning bringing this out to the front.

We were able to go to the Bonks for pumpkin carving and delicious food.  It was a gorgeous afternoon and we all enjoyed getting together.  The girls came home exhausted and were in bed early tonight. 

I am struggling emotionally tonight because work is so stressful right now since we are without a contract.  It is getting so nasty amongst the parties involved and I am finding myself struggling to keep the negativity away from me.  We are having to go through Federal mediation for negotiations which has never had to happen before.  I will never be wealthy but I would like to provide for my family.  Only time will tell!

I am working to calm myself and focus on my recovery.  There will be many decisions made over this week and I need to get ready for changes that are about to occur.

Treatment went well yesterday!!!  Alleluia!  Nurse Maria was able to get the IV in with only one stick!!!  Keith, of course brought his usual humor to the stressful situation and was trying to consult with Maria about which vein he would use.  They were able to keep my mind off the anxiety I was feeling which allowed me to relax.  She is just amazing!!!  Although this body had to make sure it was not that easy so the IV would not give the blood needed so she had to get that from the other arm with one more stick.    

As I look back on life I am amazed how humor has gotten us through so many hard times!  The negative energy goes away when laughter is in the air and I am proof that smiling is the best way to keep negative energy far away.  Kindness is contagious and I am always amazed at all the things that come from being kind.  

In talking with Dr. Chung it looks like all is going well with my recovery and now the new phase in the treatment.  I am having to go back to have another MUGA scan which is one of those tests I dread!!!  BUT it will be good to make sure this medicine is not hurting my heart.  I am doing well on my new meds and will hope all keeps going well.

We did find out some unwanted news from Carmax...  they are switching insurance companies as of Jan. 1.  We will no longer have Blue Cross and Blue Shields and will not have Atena.  This is making us re-look at our plans for reconstruction and may work with Dr. Lu to see if it can be done before the change.... More to come on this topic!

Will I ever stop worrying that I have a new cancer???  (I know the answer but this is the question that is running through my head all the time now.)

I was lying on the couch after finally getting everyone to bed... after a typically crazy day of getting kids ready for the day, working, napping, taxiing kids to activities, breaking up fights, dealing with crabbiness, and finally feeding the children as well as get them ready to go to bed.  WOW!! No wonder I am so tired!  I guess I earned the nap and the relaxing this evening.  :)

... as I was lying on the couch I had a pain in my head nagging me so I began to wonder if this is a brain tumor.  Then I had a little twinge of pain (or what could be just some feeling coming back after surgery) near the area of the underarm in which they removed the lymph nodes during surgery.  I had a pain in my spine earlier in the day and my thoughts went straight to cancer.  OH how that day in November last year changed all my thoughts!!!  There is no enemy I detest more than cancer!!  

I do find myself praying more often when these fears creep into my thoughts!  I know that if I give my worries to prayer I will find peace of mind.  I want to live life in a positive way and not be in fear at every moment!  This will be what I work on now.  

There have been some great improvements in my emotions and in my daily activities!!  The meds that we increased to aide in settling down the panic attacks that were occurring after I began Tamoxifen.  I am also finding myself being able to do a little more each day as my energy level seems to be increasing gradually.  These are some of the wonderful things I am thankful for today!

This past weekend I went camping with my family.  We were at Jellystone up in Wisconsin with many friends.  It was a nice time but I did have some trouble with sleeping and with achy bones.  It was wonderful to watch the girls have a fantastic time with friends and enjoying Halloween fun at the campground.  By Monday I was more exhausted than I remember being in a long time!  I came home, showered and then spent the day in bed trying to feel better.  I am now recovered today!!

This is a treatment week so I will be going back to the Oncology office so they can give my Herceptin.  Please pray that the IV can go in with less stress than last time!  I am praying my veins miraculously strengthen and pop up for the nurses!  I will be so relieved when the treatment is over!!!

I read a fantastic saying this weekend:  "Happiness is beautiful!"  I realized that so many commented at how I was glowing throughout last year and when I smile.  I see now that my consistent happiness even through the toughest times really did bring out the beauty in me.  I am so proud of the way I have fought this battle!  

Lessons to learn...

Dear God,
Why do I let my worries consume me and feel that I have to find the answers all by myself?  Why have I not learned that there is always an answer when I ask for help?  When am I going to learn????


...This is how I am feeling right now after a dear friend (and a chosen sister) insisted to help me today!  My friends have done so much for me over these past 10 months and even before that!  And they are still coming through for me in my weakest hours!!!  Kim and Wendi are who I am speaking of today but there are others that I could talk about by just changing their names!  Kim took the twins on Friday afterschool for us so that Keith could have all our trees cut down (NO we are not reenacting the Mr. T incident- but rather getting rid of the weeds known as Cottonwood trees!).  This was a huge help since I did not want the girls to get in the way of all the cutting and mess.  Then after school I was able to pick up the older two and we met Wendi and her boys over at Kim's.  These friends were able to make a Friday fun and end with laughter and togetherness!  It was a great day!

Yesterday (Saturday) we went to the anticipated Ms. Laura and Ms. Carolyn Halloween bash!!  The girls looked adorable and there was so much fun to be had!  It was a blast for everyone BUT mommy's body was done before anyone else was ready to go.  It got cold and by the time we were leaving there was not a part on my body that did not ache.  Keith was great and helped me get into a hot shower to relax and found my comfiest pjs to wear.  I settled into the couch for a night of TV and resting with the girls.  It was adorable because at one point the twins were asleep on either side of the couch while Keith and I were in the middle of them and Katelynn was on the floor lounging and watching Funniest Home Videos.  All was right in our world- except for my pain.  I went to bed and slept on and off all night.

This morning I woke up to a body that was not working well.  It was the day we were planning to go apple picking and Keith was renting the chipper to get rid of these branches.  We had a full plate BUT I was not able to do any of it.  The girls were so disappointed that we had to cancel going apple picking.  I was so guilt ridden that I was the one making it all not possible. Then Wendi calls and will not take "No" for an answer.  They were going apple picking still and they wanted to take the girls with.  I was worried this was too much to  ask BUT Wendi would not hear of it!  So Katelynn and Sarah are on their way to the Orchard with their friends while Lindsey and Keith are off to get the chipper and work all day together.  I am just about the luckiest person I know!!!  The love of all of you is amazing and I really would not be here right now without it!

... If I could learn my lesson I would have less stress and guilt built up in me!  I have learned so many lessons but there are still so many I need to remind myself of each day!  I guess that is what life is all about!  We are constantly learning and growing no matter our age!  I just have to trust and ask for help so that the enjoyment of life increases for me!

A day like no other

Well this was an interesting day in my life!  I was half way to work and had a full blown panic attack.  For those that do not know a panic attack feels as if you are going to die:  your heart races and it is hard to catch your breathe and you may even cry uncontrollably.  I was having all of these things happen to me on Peterson Road this morning.  It came on as a surprise to me because I have suffered from panic attacks during post partum of all my pregnancies.  I have been put on medicines and gone through counseling to learn how to alleviate them in the past.  I was not expecting to feel this way again but it was like a BLAST from the past!  I was not willing to allow these attacks to rule my life again so I called the doctors office and got an appointment for the afternoon.  I then called around to try to find my mom to hhelp talk me through it, but she was not available.  So I ended up calling my dad's cell phone not thinking I would get him BUT he picked up.  I know it was a tough call for him since I sounded so hysterical in one sense and my words were rational in another.  It meant so much to have dad help me get through this.  By the time we were getting off, I had my breathing under control and I was feeling more in control of my emotions.  I kept telling dad that I knew this was all happening because the Tamoxifen is changing my hormones and my internal chemistry.  After pulling myself together, I made it through the day at work with very few people knowing about all the happened to me on my way in there.  A smile can cover a great deal!

At the doctors office I was able to talk with my friend Lauren as she took my vitals!  She is such a blessing for me!  She was the one to answer the phone when I called during the panic attack to get the appointment and she transferred me to a wonderful nurse who found me an appointment.  When Dr. Chung came in we began to talk about why I was there.  I explained how this all truly started 9 years ago after Katelynn was born.  We talked about the different drugs and how we could move forward.  We are going to up one of my drugs to see if this can hhelp and I will have a prescription for another drug that can hhelp if another attack comes on as strong as this one did.  I left this appointment feeling better and empowered that I can be in control of this terrible disorder as best as I can!

I pray tomorrow will be a better day!

One more "first"

Today I started taking Tamoxifen for the first time!  This is the pill that I will take once a day for the next five years.  As I have learned from all of those breast cancer survivors before me that this is just one more of the treatments that helps ensure we are rid of this demon BUT it comes with its own fun side-effects... hot flashes, headaches, and other fun things.  I do realize how lucky we are that there is so much known about this cancer that I am able to have all the treatments!  I am just feeling like I will not have a time in life where I will feel "normal" again-- whatever that is! 

It is Monday and I am feeling like I have the most energy I will have for the week.  I am hoping to get more chores done tonight than I will get done the rest of the week.  This house is like a never ending set of piles!  We are changing out the girls clothes and I am trying to be as organized as possible but it seems to all look like a mess!  It all should be done in a couple of days and be stored away but that does not seem to happen fast enough!

I will say I was so excited as I drove off to school this morning I saw one of the most beautiful things in nature-- a rainbow!  It was in my rear view mirror and was absolutely gorgeous!  I LOVE rainbows for their beauty but also because they are a great reminder of God's promise of LOVE!  Work is stressful at times and this was a great way to begin the day for me so that the stress cannot get to me!  The kids are great but the lack of contract is an absolute strain on us all!  There is pressure coming from all over and the tension is so strong you can feel it in the air!  I will be so relieved if we are able to get a fair contract!

Life is amazing to me and I will not let small things get me down!  I am making the most of every moment as well as everyday God blesses me with!

Herceptin update

Herceptin treatment was Friday and I am finding that since I have no other treatments overlapping that this one is not as hard.  I have a slight headache and body aches but it is so much more manageable.  Although I need prayers for the next time because the nurses struggled horribly to get the IV in!  They tried 4 times on the left hand and arm.  Then they got permission to try the right side and was able to get one in.  I am a bruised mess and many of the sites hurt.  I cried at one point because I was so horrified that I was such a burden!  The head nurse, Maria, was so worried about me she got my doctor to come back and check in with me.  There was no one to be mad at because these veins of mine are so small and collapse so easily!  They are my burden and always have been!  Maria wants to make sure I only have her try so that no one else takes a site that she would have been able to get.  This will help but prayers could only make it less stressful on all of us! Even with all that trauma I am so excited because I was able to go on with life yesterday without much trouble!!  I actually should have been exhausted but the day was my best medicine...

Mom and I put on a wedding shower for my cousin Maggie!  It has been so wonderful for me to get closer to her over these past few years!  A pretty terrible thing brought us closer but I am so thankful to have such a wonderful relationship with her now.  In our family there are 17 cousins and I am the 2nd oldest while Maggie is around the 5th youngest... we have a pretty big age difference so we were not close as kids.  The shower went well and it was a blast to have all the aunts and cousins together although so many of us have had children so the adults were almost out numbered by the little ladies of the family.  It was so much fun to be surrounded by so many I love! Plus I got to have quality baby time with two of the little ones that were at the party!  And the best part was that was not the last of my baby time for the day....

Then we went to our soccer family party at the Wheelers.  Erin was in town with her husband and her brand new baby girl, Reagan.  I was tired from the shower and was not sure how I would survive the evening event.... but the loving atmosphere and the joy of seeing everyone gave me the boost I needed!  Plus there is nothing like enjoying the time of catching up with loved ones you have not seen in a while and holding a new life that is so full of life!!!  Our soccer family is an amazing group of people who I am so blessed to have in my life!  We have all grown up together and have shared so many wonderful times in our lives as well as supported each other through tough times!  We always have such a wonderful time together and each gathering seems like we have never been apart!  Colorado will be home for Jim and Sherri soon and we are going to miss having them here in Illinois but we know that our visits will be that much more special!  Plus the Klunders have a perfect vacation destination when we start to travel again!  Love crosses all state lines and lasts forever!

I woke up today rather exhausted and soar but so happy for the blessings I have been given this weekend!

I am finding it fun to do things I have not had energy to do in so many months!!  Tonight I baked chocolate chip cookies and zucchini bread.  It feels so great to be back to "normal."  It is a new normal since I did have to take a nap this afternoon since I was still tired from the weekend and work was rather busy. 

I am looking forward to gaining even more strength over time and find all the other things I have not done while fighting this cancer.  It is like Christmas each day when I open up a new activity that I have not enjoyed in a long time! 

A new nightly ritual we have started in this family is to play a rowdy bunch of games of Uno right before bed.  The girls have gotten so into playing this game and they are all at the perfect ages to play it!  Keith and I played with them last night and then the girls and I played tonight.  It is a great way to find family time and have our competitive nature come out in a good way.  These are some great memories!

I know you will say I am crazy but I am Katelynn's room mom!  I was called last night and decided I wanted her to have a great year overall so I took the "job" since no one else did.  I have already googled ideas for 4th grade parties and think this will be a lot of fun in the end.  ...We will see!

I have to make more appointments to check in with the doctors and find out the next steps.  I will meet with Dr. Lu to discuss when the final surgery will be now that radiation is over.  I have to talk with Dr. Ganshirt about the possibility of putting in another port... still not sure about this!  My veins are difficult but I do not know if I want to put another port in?!?!?!  I see Dr. Posner in a few weeks as well as Dr. Chung.  Herceptin is this Friday afternoon so all is just moving in the right direction!  I do have to begin the Tamoxifen which I have put off for a week and need to just start it!

REALLY?!?!?!

So the past few days have been BUSY!!!  The girls dance classes have begun and work is in full gear and the house looks like a bomb blew up in it!!  All these things are so normal but my body still is not so I am trying to adjust to functioning at a lower level and still come through for all these areas of my life.  I know I will do it I just have to find the way.

....but amongst all these normal activities there have been somethings that have been unbelievable and hilarious all at once!

On Monday we were trying to get home from the evening activities during rush hour (176 backs up horribly from 4 to 7) so I took a back way over to Gilmer Road and what do we run into????? Cows in the road!!!  There is a farm back by St. Mary's in Freemont area and they move the cows from a pasture on one side of the road to the barn area... if you have never driven on a road with a herd of cows I must say it is an experience!!  The girls LOVED it because the cows were within inches of us and they could watch as they swung their head to spray spit everywhere.  They also loved how slow they moved and how HUGE they were up close... let's just say I drove slow and prayed one of the cows did not try to come any closer for its sake and mine!!

Yesterday I was given the reason for some of why I have not felt good these past few days...my OLD friend that I had thought was not coming back arrived unexpectedly!!!  (If you are not sure "who" I am meaning just read on and the hints will help.)  It has been since January that I have dealt with this blessed natural event and I forgot how much "fun" it was!!!  I am now seeing why I have felt so horrible for the past 5 days specifically.  My hormones and my depleted body were battling for my energy!  I really do not want to complain as I have so many people in my life that are struggling to have their own family and now my body is working as if it could and I AM DONE!!!  I will be much better in 5 days!

Life is always interesting and I am finding ways to see the humor in even the things that used to make me crabby and cringe!  Enjoy your day and know you help to make me smile each day!

Cancer Free has not been exactly as I wanted it to be!!  I am reminded again that I am human and not Super Woman!!  I have tried to do too much and am paying for it all weekend long!!  

I am struggling with physical issues such as swelling in my legs and exhaustion like I have never felt it!  I am also finding my emotions are out of whack!!  I am so thankful it is the weekend and I have allowed myself to rest as often as my body has needed.  Although that means I gave up doing a lot of fun things that were on the calendar!!  I missed out on activities with friends and activities with family as well!  I am feeling more like a typical cancer patient now that I am not fighting through all the treatments... but rather I am fighting off all that the treatments did to my body!  That battle seems a little more intense since it has accumulated in my body for all these months.

I am so thankful for all the support I am still receiving each day!  I am one of the most blessed people in the world!

WE DID IT!!!!

As of 9 am this morning I completed radiation!  That means that in 9 months I have completed all the treatments that we decided to do all the way back in November when I was diagnosed!!!  I could not have done this without the love and support of all of you!!  The prayers were powerful and pulled me through when even I was ready to give up!  

THANK YOU for being a cheerleader and one of my angels as I have lovingly called all those that have taken this journey with me!!  Take a minute and enjoy the feeling of victory with me today!

It's CELEBRATION time...

I received a voicemail message on Friday that I would like to find a way to frame and put on my wall for a lifetime....

Sarah, my radiation therapist, called to tell me that as she was going over my file for the week she found out that I only have ONE more radiation treatment until I am done!!!  She said that the calendar I was given in the beginning of all of this was for 28 sessions but Dr. Posner had decided I would only need 25 sessions....SO I am done on Tuesday!!!!!

I was speechless when I heard the message and could almost not understand it at first!!  I quietly repeated the message to Keith and then it hit me so I yelled the message over and over!!  I would have done a dance if I had not been in the car and not feeling really well from the Herceptin.  

Friday was an interesting day for Keith and I... He got home in the morning and we got the kids ready and off to school.  Then we left together to go up to radiation together.  Keith wanted to see what the radiation room looked like before I was done with the treatments.  So he came in the back with me and we asked Sarah if he could come in while they got me ready. She was so awesome and showed him everything and explained all that they were doing.  He even got to go into their room where they watch me and make the machine do all it does to me during the treatment.  I was so glad to have him with me and allow him to be behind the scenes throughout the whole treatment.  My radiation therapists are such great people!  We even got to see one of the other patients complete her last treatment at which they gave her a certificate of completion... at that time I was telling them I was soooo excited to know I would be getting my certificate the following Friday.  I did ask Sarah and Depoche if they would be here the next week.  They both said they would and I was so happy because as you know the people that are part of my team are always so important to me!!  I want to be able to say my thank yous in person.... so when Sarah left the message she also let me know that she was scheduled to do CPR training on Tuesday so she would not be there.  I am sad but know that I will make sure to go back to see her later.

I went to work after radiation and then Keith picked me up at 1:30pm from school to head to the oncology office to meet with Dr. Chung and have my Herceptin.   It was a good appointment and we talked about all the needs to begin and appointments I need to make.  Then I went to have the treatment... although getting an IV in was near impossible and have made me decide to go back under and get a new port put in so I can stop worrying about extra needles and such.

I felt OK after the treatment but was tired.  SO I took it easy Friday night.  Then I woke up Saturday groggy and lightheaded but I tried to keep going.  I ended up in bed again shortly after getting up and stayed there for much of the day.  

Today my friend Katie was in town and came over with the boys.  We had a nice time catching up and having lunch together.  It is so wonderful to see these friends and I loved catching up on her brothers wedding I had missed yesterday when I was so sick.  Mike is the big brother I never had and I am so thrilled that he is now married to his high school sweetheart!  Love is such a powerful thing!!

I pray everyone has a wonderful long weekend and stay safe!

A very innocent thing happened today that stopped me in my tracks... I got a reminder letter to make my annual OB-Gyne appointment.  Now this letter should be just the typical dread of this lovely must-do instead it was a tearful reminder of all that a year has meant to me!  This was where it all began last year and I was absolutely overwhelmed with emotions.  So many thoughts ran through my head all at once:  disbelief that it has already been close to a year since last November, thrilled that I can go to that appointment being cancer free, sadness, need to talk about all the changes in my body to find help, and even some excitement to have the chance to thank Dr. Huang for being the one to find the tumor and sent me on my journey with some fantastic doctors.  I will have to call and make this appointment and face it when it comes.

I am finding myself fighting the urge to try to be normal and overdo.  This weekend was the perfect example.  I was in the sun way too much and I tried to do way too much when it came to taking the camper down.  It was hot and sunny and I had all my energy drained in a matter of minutes!!  It has taken until tonight to feel better which feels so unusual since I want to be able to do more than my body will allow me.  I am really grateful that I can do all that I do and I usually remember that I am still recovering as well as still going through treatments. 

As I was talking to my friends over lunch today I realized another reason I want to share this story with you all... I want to spread the knowledge that cancer treatment is not scary!!!  Don't get me wrong cancer itself is terrifying and I cannot make that any easier, but the treatments are not.  In talking and in taking others with me to my treatments has opened my eyes to how "mythical" these treatments are to most people.  We hear about them in a broad sense and it is usually in some form of negative sense.  I would love to be able to take each of you into the different treatments to let you know how not scary they really are... that is my new goal so keep an eye out for this in the future.  BUT the one thing I do know that all the people who have been involved in my treatments are some of the most caring, wonderful people I have ever met!  It is such a blessing to be taken care of by all of them!

In talking with a former students mom today I realized that I have supporters in almost all 50 states as well as many other places around the world.  It was another emotional moment of my day when I was talking about how awesome it was to be honored by my former student who did Relay for Life and put out a luminary for me along the route she walked.  This allowed me to add another state to my list and warmed my heart that I have been able to inspire my students while I taught them as well as long after.  I am a teacher who really does care about the students who become part of my family each year.  Teaching is not just a job but is everything I have always wanted to do!  I know that is why I have been able to find the strength to teach even through last years treatments. 

Life is so short so love what you do!

Oh how I wish my body would go back to normal!!!

We are back from camping in Wisconsin this weekend with our friends the Jones'.  It was a gorgeous weekend that was so much fun and in the middle was relaxing!!  Katelynn and I had a memorable time driving up to the campground together after school.  We listened to music, sang to some songs, talked about school and how much fun she is having, and just plain enjoyed being together!  That was AWESOME!! 
When we made it to the site we were welcomed by the twins and Keith as well as having a camper that was set up... OH how nice it was not to have to do manual labor after a long Friday!
Once the Jones family made it up to the campground we all drove down to a favorite steak restaurant to enjoy a fun dinner together!  This was so nice as Beth and I did not have to cook, clean or even think about chores for the night.  The girls were wonderful and so grown up as they all ordered for themselves and were so appropriate little ladies!  I cannot believe they are all growing up so fast!
Saturday was a fun day of riding bikes, swimming for the girls, a cake eating contest that Sarah tried (and should have won but the littler girl next to her won the hearts of the judges), an ice cream social, and playing at the park... oh and the mommies took a nap sometime in the middle of the day.  :)  These are all memories I love to think about when I am stuck in bed or feeling awful!  We also had our campfire at night for the good old s'more eating  although we tried a new one by using Milky Ways instead of plain chocolate... interesting!
Today was an exhausting day!  I got the whole camper packed up and in the van by 9:45am.  We ate breakfast and then took the girls for a quick swim around 10:30am.  Keith closed up the camper by noon and we were on the road by 12:30 pm heading for Wauconda.  I drove home fine but I could feel the blanket of exhaustion begin to cover me as we got closer to home.  By 4pm the van was unpacked and I was taking a nap.  I am better now but most of my body is still yelling at me for overdoing so I will be heading to bed shortly!

A favorite quote from the weekend:  Sarah says to me as we are walking to the pool... "Mommy how can you be walking faster than all of us and you have cancer??"  I told her that it was because I was never going to let the cancer win and so I was going to keep on moving!

10 more to go...

It's been a week since last I wrote on this blog and boy has the time flown!!  Radiation is going well and I am blessed to have very few side-effects.  The skin that is most sensitive is showing signs of redness and I have an ache/ pain in my underarm but other than that it is rather easy!!  I am down to only 10 more treatments until this phase of treatment is over and I am just amazed at how this has fit in my life so much easier than I could have imagined!  The only complaint is that since school has begun the traffic has increased by at least double so I have to leave earlier than before but again that is such a minor complaint!!  It just means I have that many more minutes all to myself in the car!

More blessings have come our way in the fact that the teachers my children got this year are all WONDERFUL and a perfect fit for each!  I am also so blessed to have found 2 fantastic tutors for Katelynn to get her on the right track again!  Last year was just such a horrific year academically and emotionally that I want to give her a boost and these two ladies are the BEST!!! Sarah has such an academic teacher who is inspiring her to soar in reading and her love for learning.  Lindsey has a beautiful, young teacher who is full of energy just like Lindsey!! She is also very fashionable so we get to hear about all of her shoes and outfits she wears to school that Lindsey loves!  :)  Oh how they are all different and have such different needs and likes!

Even more blessings have come with the recovery of my Grandma who had the heart attack. She is still in the hospital but she is doing so well and her appetite is back!!  :)

Life is going well and I am trying to keep all the lessons I have learned over these months in the back of my mind so that I live life as I should and want to do!

Smiles to all!

Cancer Free!! Cancer Free!  Cancer Free!

It is still surreal to think that I am able to say I am a survivor and mean it!!  Yesterday and today were so busy in our house because school started for all the girls!  I have a 4th grader and two Kindergartners!!  The girls have had such a fantastic start to this new school year!  They love their teachers and are so excited to see how the rest of the year will go. 

I too have gone back to work as of today.  We had our teacher institute at work and will then welcome the students back on Monday.  My room is decorated and I still need to organize since we just moved in two weeks ago.  But it is all very much in need of the students to make it feel complete.

Radiation is going rather well!  I am having a little redness show up on the skin that has never seen the sun.  I am also dealing with the area where the lymph nodes were removed being sore and irritated.  But overall I am doing very well throughout this treatment.  I have completed 13 out of the 28 radiation treatments so tomorrow is my half way point.

I have been so excited to share with all of you these experience but there are no words that can explain how happy I was to share this new status with you!!  Out of this horrible nightmare has come so many beautiful things and the one that will stay with me forever will be the thoughtfulness and love that you have all shown me and my family!  We have been showered with so many gifts from the gift of friendship to the latest most generous gift Keith has been given probably in his whole life:  a trip to Las Vegas all expenses paid.  This has come from his cousin Sean who could not have been more generous or more caring when he and his wife offered Keith this chance to have a break from life and go out for some true fun!!  Our families have come through for us in so many ways!  This trip for Keith is an answer to my prayers because I am in awe of all he has done for the girls and I since diagnosis!  Our lives were turned upside down and he kept the ship going in the right direction the entire time!  He is truly an amazing person and I am so blessed to have him as my husband!!

The messages, hugs and smiles from everyone who has congratulated me are absolutely priceless!!  Just as you tell me I am an inspiration, please know that it would not have been possible without you all!

I am CANCER FREE!!!
Happy Birthday Mom!!

I am back from radiation and seeing Dr. Posner who just gave me the news that I have been cancer free since surgery.  Radiation & Herceptin are really just being done to ensure that none of these cancer cells can live anywhere else in my body!!

These past months since surgery I have been so overwhelmed by all the new decisions and all the changes in treatment that I really did not ask this question until today... when can I yell from the rooftops that I have beaten this cancer??  Dr. Posner was so wonderful to explain to me that he considered me cancer free after surgery!!  Dr. Ganshirt went in and took out the cancer.  He said that means you are officially a survivor and now all these treatments are to ensure none of these little demons have been or will be able to spread to another part of me and wreak havoc!! I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted from me and I am free!!!  I knew this burden was heavy but I really cannot tell you how truly heavy it was!!  My elephant is gone and I can breathe freely!!
The best thing is this news comes on my mom's birthday!!  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful mom and I cannot think another day I would have wanted to find this out on!!  I love you MOM!!!

....time....

Time is one of those four letter words that can be both good and bad...
I am sitting here realizing how much time feels different in all kinds of situations!!  Tomorrow is the last day of summer break for my children and it feels like it has flown by so quickly but then when I think back to my surgery which was at the beginning of summer it feels like an eternity. 

It is funny how some times the time flies and other times it drags its heals and forces us to face the situation one way or another!!

Radiation is another strange way time is both going fast and slow... I have completed 10 whole treatments.  When it comes to going into the office and seeing all the wonderful people involved in my treatment the time is flying by and I know I will be sad to say good-bye to them all.  Then when it comes to the actually treatments and the side-effects it feels like time is going soooo slow!!  I have 18 more to go and I am having some redness and some discomfort on the skin occurring.  With less than half of the treatments done I am praying that the skin irritation slows down but that is highly unlikely.  Although I am keeping it at bay with all the ointments and lotions they recommend.  September 9th is the last day of radiation and I am planning to CELEBRATE!!!  Other than the Herceptin which is like an insurance policy for me to ward off this cancer I am done with all the treatments!!!  Although I am graduating cancer treatments to begin taking the drug Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. 

Time has flown since the twins were born.  To be honest when we found out I was having twins I was in pure shock for weeks!!  Then when the pregnancy went so well I was hopeful I had enough strength to get through their delivery and first year of life.  I did that and am proud to say loved every moment of their first year!!  I have enjoyed each of the last four and a half as well -- although some a little less than others, like the 3s to 4s could have been a little less stressful and tantrums.  To know that on Thursday morning I will be putting them on the school bus for the first time is bitter sweet!  I am excited for them and so thankful that I am here to see it and be a part of it!!  I am also so amazed that Katelynn is going to be going to 4th grade on Wednesday morning!!  Her first four years of school have flown by!!  I cannot believe all my kids are growing up so fast!!

School is right around the corner...

I am preparing for my 14th beginning to the school year and I am almost as excited as the first year I go my job here at Oak Grove!!  I have so many reasons to be excited and so many revolve around my family at work and the students I love to teach.  I also excited to see all the families in the district who have been so amazing to me with or without cancer!!  I am about to begin teaching the last child in one family who I have been blessed to teach all of their children since the oldest was in 2nd grade 6 years ago.  This family has also been so supportive all of those years and have become good friends due to activities all of our kids have been involved in over the years.  It will be bittersweet to end this school year because it will be like an ending of an era BUT I will then do the same with many other families as more and more siblings grow up.  This same family gave me a fabulous gift while I was recovering from surgery-- a box of pink fortune cookies!!  They really are fun and cheered me up so much because every time you open them they have a message of well wishes for ME!!

There are so many people at Oak Grove that I cannot wait to spend more time with!!  Teaching is my calling and this place is where I am supposed to do this!

My own children begin school this coming week... where did the time go?  I am so thankful that I am able to see them off to their first day before I start work.  It is the big year for us since Katelynn is in 4th grade and the twins are in Kindergarten!!!  We have made it!!  The supplies are bought the clothes are picked out and the shoes are found and matched up.  I am looking forward to having them all in the same school!  Keith will get a little more sleep with the schedule so he is happy!  :)

Life is an adventure and I know this week will be one of the biggest so far!

God shown Himself to me again today when He helped me realize all of this is His doing!  The light bulb in my head went off today brighter than ever and I have such a warmth in my heart still as answers have come to me...  I am a person who needs others to get through my life journey.  I feel the best when I am a care giver to all I meet.  This is why I was meant to be a teacher, a mother, a wife, a friend and this is why I want to make this experience bigger than myself by way of helping others on their journey have it a little easier than even I did. 

I am going to see a former student of mine tomorrow to say good-bye and good luck at college as she ventures out to MSU for her Freshman year.  I am so very excited to be able to see her before she goes and wish her well.  This connection could have easily ended after I taught her but it never did.  We would talk in the halls when I saw her and then as she got older I would be able to go to her mother's store to see her when she worked.  I missed a few years when I had the twins and was in over my head at home but then we caught up soon after.  Lauren is one of many students I am still in contact with who have gone on in their life's journey and I am proud of each and every one of them!!  I actually know that one of my very first 7th grade students has just recently gotten married.  I cried when I saw her pics on Facebook because she and her girlfriend Linsdey were the two students I invited to my wedding the year after I taught them. 

I realize that I am given so much more than I am even able to give to my students.  This past year they picked me up with their carefree way of living and kept me going when I probably should have been down for the count.  I truly do welcome each of my students into my family when they spend a year with me and it is so beautiful when the connections lasts throughout all the years!

I have been so exhilarated to be able to help others on this cancer journey.  I realize that there are some who do not want to talk about it and I respect them but it is wonderful to know that others have been encouraged by me.  Today in the chemo room was another prime example.  I sat in my normal chair and my friend, Wendi who normally keeps the girls for me was able to take me today (Keith went fishing with her husband and their boys while my mom kept the girls for me.).  There was a lady next to us who was quiet at first and I hoped we would not annoy her since I knew we would talk through the time.  As all the nurses came by and chatted it up with us one thing caught this woman's attention.... so she opened up and began to ask me about radiation.  She was going to begin it in 6 to 9 weeks and wondered what it was all about.  I was able to reassure her that it was quick most days and that the Grayslake building was the place to go!  From then on we had fun little conversations about family and this journey.  She fell asleep for some of it (good old Benadryl) but it was great when we could talk. 
Wendi, Katie, Keith and my mom are the only other people who have witnessed the overwhelming reception I get when I walk in that oncology office...  It starts at the front desk where the ladies know me and just hand me what I need and send me on my way.  Then through the first door, I run into the Nurse Practitioner, Jennifer who today loved my hair and had to feel how soft it was and give me a huge hug!!  After that in the chemo room I am greeted by one of my favorite nurses, Maria- who finds my veins even when they hide far far away.  Each nurse that comes by says Hi and chats briefly.  Finally in the exam room Dr. Chung comes in after I have had vitals done my friend, Lauren and chatted with her quickly.  Today was a great appointment because we went over med changes I have to make in order to begin the Tamoxafin (5 years of pills).  We also talked about my reaction to the first Herceptin which was a lingering headache and some dizziness.  She also made sure to check in on the family and how I was truly feeling and how radiation was going. 

The Herceptin treatment was not bad.  I did not get Benadryl so that was good!  I became tired but it comes more from the drag of sitting there while this fluid goes into your veins.  It was great to have Wendi to talk with throughout the whole time.  Plus I love to show others that having cancer is not as scary as it sounds.  After the drug was in me, we left to go to radiation.  That office is just as awesome!! With traffic we got there right as they were in lunch but my two favorite Radiation Therapists were there and they came right out to do my treatment.  Since I had Wendi with me they invited her into the radiation room to see how it all works as they set me up... Keith is jealous since he has never seen this yet.  :)  The treatment was done in 10 minutes and I changed and we were out of there.

When I got home I realized how tired I was so I finally listened to my body and stayed home while Keith and the twins went to the beach with Wendi's family and many other friends.... where was Katelynn??  Oh she decided to be defiant and scream at me so she lost her chance to go!!!  Boy if this is happening now, what will the teenage years look like???  SCARY!!

I am feeling much better and really have no side effects this time at all!  Life is looking good!

God has blessed me with all the people I love and who love me!  Smiles and love are my most powerful tools in life!